Our top story, aside from an overthrow at City Hall, was ‘uncovered’ in the private sleeping chamber of the former Miss Elena Gilbert. Two eye-candy body snatchers wasted little time (or civility) in explaining away the LONGEST FEW HOURS IN THE HISTORY OF MYSTIC FALLS. What happened? It was Dr. Meredith Fell, in the hospital, with Damon blood. Before Matt Donovan’s truck bath. Was Matt alive? The hero end of the Loveworn Salvatore Brothers bookends saved him. But not her.
AM I DEAD? How many times have you asked yourself that same question after spending the night on a cold morgue slab? Crickets. She got crickets. According to a comforting Stefan, Bonnie Bennett, stronger than ever (how?) has ALL DAY to figure a way out of this. Feed or die, baby! You gotta love Damon’s reality snark. Our MFM undercover reporter failed to answer the most important question of all–Who changed Elena’s clothes?
It was Happy Hour for Damon down in Ye Olde Gilbert kitchen, with Bravo Brother Stefan hot on his heels. Sibling rivalry, we’ve missed you! Stefan’s regrettable choice left the world with one more quarterback, and Damon with a bad case of the snarks. But yet another question went unanswered. Was Alaric’s stash good?
Left to her own devices, Trannylena had the headache (and toothache) from Hell and REEALLY wished they’d bought the energy conserving twisty bulbs at Home Depot. Much less glare. These ‘Growing Pains’ are a bitch! Jeremy stopped by for a Häagen Dazs (translation: hug and ‘das gonna hurt like Vicki did).
Are you okay, are you okay, are you okay? I said I’m fine, okay? Ask me again and I’ll bite your head off! Jeremy had also talked to Bonnie, and pleaded for screw the horrible consequences, he needed his sister, not another one of ‘them’. How many trannies does it take to unscrew a light bulb?
ANOTHER BODY DISCOVERED
In other underground parts of town, Kyler snuck up on Bonnie admiring his beautiful former self. A little ashy, but apparently fate and oxygen intervened, thus preserving yet another corpse that the MFPD didn’t realize was missing. Well ain’t that just Klaustastic?! What with his Original plan (teehee!) of body-hopping foiled, Kyler wants to be put back. Since PsychoRic outed Tyler Lockwood and Caroline Forbes to the Town Council, he’s too ‘vulnerable’ as Kyler.
Bon-Bon was too busy trying to untranny Elena, endless bloodbag to the hybrid rich and famous. Hmmm? Put him back, save Elena for hybrid-making factory, or rip out Bonnie’s tongue. Tough choice, but Bonnie’s trachea clenched argument worked–same rules–no one knows (that it‘s Kyler, not Tyler). NO ONE. Um, exqueeze me Kyler, but our reporter knows!
CITY GOVERNMENT UPHEAVAL
In a shocking development, a militaryesque coup d’état took place starting at the Mystic Falls Hospital. There’s a new sheriff in town, or at least a man of the cloth entrusted by the Town Council to secure Mystic Falls. Pastor Young and his trusty band of Deputy Dawgs swept through the hospital to curb the flying blood bank supplies and give Dr. Fell her pink slip. No mention of the missing corpse, but then, they were too full of themselves and their mission notice.
During the clean-sweep, Caroline was overheard attempting to convince Matty that EVerything wasn’t all his fault. He was checking out of the hospital following a close brush with death (he survived human, Elena‘s gonna vamp it), and why was Caroline there? Ah, yes, nowhere to go. When last she saw Tyler he was writhing in pain on the floor of his man-cave, surely dead from the Klaus-staking of yesterday with the whole Original Dies the Bloodline Dies thing. Clueless Tearful Caroline, Blonde Vampire Barbie of the moment, huggin it out with ex-beaux Matty. Deputy bust-in interruption! (How DID Caroline avoid Deputy detection?) Too bad Deputy Dawg had lines. That’s always the Kiss of Death in Mystic Falls.
Other important take-downs were happening simultaneously across our fair city. Former Mayor Carol Lockwood was unceremoniously cuffed and dragged from the Lockwood Estate whilst Pastor Young badge-jacked Sheriff Liz Forbes. He delivered so many pink slips in one Fell *ahem* swoop we suspect a new business may be opening soon in Mystic Square. Pastor Young’s Victoria’s Secret and Vervain Emporium. He and his Deputy Dawg Band of Boobs swiped the entire town supply of vervain, INCLUDING the stash in Stately Salvatore Manor. CALL CRIMESTOPPERS!
Speaking of calling, Liz was not taken into custody, but managed to call Caroline, busy at home packing for, oh, say, Florida? Or anywhere far, far away? Too late! Her attempt at escaping was foiled as she got vamp-napped off her front porch by the Boob Brigade with what? Vervain injection to the neck? She’s gotta stop going down like that. She could develop a carotid complex or something!
RECIPE OF THE WEEK
For the record, Stefan should not quit his day job, since he’s a lousy chef. He whipped up a disgusting sandwich for Trannylena back at Ye Olde Gilbert Kitchen. The featured item of the day appeared to be a puke-worthy turkey tomato and lettuce on whole wheat, but she couldn’t stop thinking about blood. Served with a side of Guilt of the Day, Elena would have been worse-off if Stef had saved her first, thus ensuring Matt’s watery demise. She tried to convince him he did the right thing by respecting her choice.
Choice? Choice your fine ass! If Bonnie can’t figure out how to get a do-over, the next ‘choice’ up was feed or die! Well, they’ll cross that bridge when they come to it–that statement right there became a fit of ironic giggles turned to tears. All those way heightened emo problems of trannyism leaking down Stefan‘s shoulder.
MYSTIC FALLS IS AN ECO-FRIENDLY CITY
Back in her darkened bedroom, Elena found out why you never leave those edited bits of other camera angles on the cutting room floor when you can recycle them! Especially when a highly memorable blast from the past can be witnessed in all its tear-jerking glory by one of the original players! Earlier Jeremy had reminded Elena about Vicki’s flood of compelled memories returning but this was a vision indelibly burned into our readers’ brains, doused with cute PJs, a returned love token, and declarations of unrequited love long since compelled into oblivion. “I don’t deserve you but my brother does,” sung to a female voice crooning “twice I turned my back on you”. Was that “It will always be Stefan” echoing somewhere in the background? OMG! The Tear! Kleenex stock prices just rose exponentially!
MISSING MURDER WEAPON RECOVERED!
Fresh from her recent road kill (or so she thought), our sleuthing reporters caught up with Rebekah trashing Klaus’ drawing studio at Fortress Klaus, with all the familial angst she could muster. Didn’t Damon know it’s not nice to sneak up on a lady (if you see one)? Tragic about Elena (Bex‘ turn to be Clueless Blonde BarbieKlaus–nah, nah, nah, nah, Honey Boo Boo, Elena‘s not dead), AND FINALLY SOMEBODY CARED ABOUT MATTY’S UNINSURED STATUS! Lol Chock one up for the Good Bad Guys, Damon had the presence of mind to scarf up Stake 2.0 before he high-tailed it back from Alaric‘s tragic death storage facility.
Just as he was about to use it, Bex caught a sniper’s bullet in the back AND a wooden ARROW in the chest from the window (shoutout new CW show-different night!). Good thing the Band of Boobs didn’t notice Damon snatch that stake back up and vampspeed right outta the picture (presumption on our reporter’s part)! You can desiccate the blood out of an Original, but you can’t kill em that way, just sayin!
CITY VEHICLES DAMAGED IN HIT AND RUN ACCIDENT
That darned Pastor Young and his Deputy Dawg Band of Boobs were everywhere this week, now back at the Gilbert House to round up Stefan (Freeze, suckah) and take Elena into *cough* protective custody. In the meantime, that Incessant Woman Carol Lockwood was phonin it in to her *cough cough* son, Tyler. Don’t tell me anything, I know nothing! Carol gave Kyler the 4-1-1 about Pastor Young and his cronies, expressing fear that Tyler was with Caroline? Um, why, Mom? Whadayamean The Council took her? Dun, dun, dun!
Meanwhile, our way out in the boonies traffic cam recorded Car AND Bex firmly vervain roped in an unmarked abduction van with police escort, following WAY too close btw! Caroline explained to a wakening Bex that Ric outed them all to The Council when DA BOOM hit! WTH was Kyler doing driving a silver soccer-mom van? Oh, well, it worked. Just call him T-Bone Tyler!
He ripped a door off the wrecked unmarked (where was he when Elena needed saving?) and freed Caroline only. Time for another Blonde Moment! Car didn’t ‘get’ it, but Kyler outed himself to Bex before leaving her tied in the police van! Keep ‘em busy, little sister! Car apparently was suffering from temporary vampire super-hearing loss.
WHAT THIS DISASTER NEEDS IS A GOOD PLAN
Damon’s cleanliness OCD had him playing maid at the Gilbert House after Stefan and Elena got nailed. Meredith was there, and Liz just barged in the front door like she owned the place. Wait! Who DOES own it now? We digress. Liz got nuttin–she related The Council’s shenanigans with the job-napping and computer lockdown. Damon was OUTRAGED! The Mayor and The Sheriff never contemplated a back-up plan! Or off-site storage? Apparently Caroline had phoned Liz after her assisted escape. (Editorial fine point. Car‘s phone was left on her own front porch when she got vervained, did she use Kyler‘s phone to call Liz? And WHO, pray tell, remembers anyone‘s phone number in this day and age of cell phone contacts?) All Liz knew was that Car had been in a van in the middle of nowhere and managed to escape. Perfect! Narrowed down to nowhere! Matt showed up and Damon throat slammed him into the wall just for living. Mer had to break that up, but if looks could kill…
With the Salvatore’s vervain and Alaric’s weapons, the vampnappers could be anywhere! Quarterback sneak called the play–Pastor Young has a remote, secluded cattle ranch. Reinforced steel, iron bars–those pens could easily be modified to hold drugged up vamps. A plan! Not a good one, but a plan! Roadtrip!
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE NAIL-BITING RANCH
Everything annoyed Trannylena in protective custody at Pastor Young‘s cattle ranch. The irritating Elgin clock ticking off the late afternoon minutes left in her life. The hissing gas flame on the stove. The whistling teakettle. Pastor Young’s boring small talk. His tasty-looking jugular. Even the ‘emergency plan’ Miranda and Grayson had advocated years ago–the emergency plan underway RIGHT NOW. Great. While pulling out a bloody steak, Pastor Freak explained they would hold her and Stef until Damon came looking for them, use Rebekah to lure her siblings back, she’ll (?) give the Band of Boobs the white oak stake, and then they’ll exterminate the entire world vampire population in one swoop. That bloody steak was the last straw. Run Forrest, Run! Damn that blazing afternoon sun was too much for Trannylena’s little transitioning eyes. Made her run right into that Deputy Dawg’s fist! SMACK!
SANITIZED PORN (ALMOST)
Our Woodsy Owl got an eyeful of Caroline gettin busy with a manual tonsillectomy strip-search on Kyler. Didn’t Kyler tell Bonnie NO ONE was to know about him? He’d already outed himself to Bex, and his mouth engaged before his brain did, “LOVE“! Whoopsie. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong ‘equipment’? What? Tyler’s ain’t good enough for him? Think with your OTHER head, Kyler! Lol Car’s so much more than a pretty face (and pretty undies), and once she got clued in he was a wolf in sheepish clothing…WELL!
Kyler’s quip about her being a ‘glorious kisser’ earned him The Slap Heard ‘Round Mystic Falls. Couldn’t ya just feel it?! Blech! I’ve been kissed by Dog Lips! Put Tyler back! Oh, yeah, he’d do it gladly, then take her up on her offer of Hot Hybrid Sex! Eyebrow wiggle!
WHITE BARN CANDLES ARE BACK ON THE BUY LIST!
Don’t leave your witch house without ’em! Bonnie sat in the floor with a grimoire in her lap, chanting the Thesmatos Revertus Invictus song whilst Jer paced a rut around the room. The Spirits wouldn’t listen (as usual), so Bon decided to go get Elena à la ‘I stopped your heart to stop Klaus‘, I‘ll just do it to myself and bring Elena back over. After all, witches have free reign on The Other Side! Jer was against it–what’s this ‘new source of power’ Bon’s trying to sell him? Do you want Elena back or not? So Jer sat down with Bonnie in the candle wax to summon The Dark Side. What was that? A nosebleed? Whodathunkit? Bonnie NO! Bonnie wake up! Thunk.
Trannylena was now in a stall in the cattle barn, along with Stef and Bex in their own private suites. Last year we thought Sleazebag Motel 6 ¾ was bad, but these accommodations…..puleez! Trannylena lowered the boom–Stef, I didn’t feed. Desiccation, party of one! Bex was thrilled, this was SO much better than Elena drowning.
Glad our reporters could be two places at once, because Bonnie thunked herself right into Trannylena’s stall and coaxed the near-corpse to her feet. TE wheezed to Stef that something was happening, but about that time GRAMS SHOWED UP and cockblocked the spell! Sheila told Bon to Get the Hell Outa Dodge before ‘they’ tried to keep her there.
Dark ju-ju isn’t Nature’s plan–don’t touch! GO! Straight back to the arms of her once boyfriend Jeremy, Bonnie was defeated. She couldn’t do it. It didn’t work. Guess those excursions to The Dark Side come complete with blood, sweat, tears, and a moist towelette to clean the nosebleed off your face on the return trip. Don’t forget to put your seat backs and tray witches in their full and upright locked position before landing!
NEWSFLASH! Trannylena finally decided she needed blood–this dying stuff was the pits. Guess that Bonster trip wasn’t futile after all! All Elena had to do was imply to Stef that she needed something, and he started yellin like a prisoner in Alcatraz, bringing in Deputy Dawg in to shut him up and shoot him with two of his trusty little wooden bullets. Ah, Dawg got another line. Deputy’s going DOWN before the day‘s out!
THE RETURN OF HEART-RIPPING!
Fresh off Bonnie’s epic fail on The Dark Side, Caroline and Kyler showed up at the Witch House, Kyler demanding to be de-Tylered. Too bad, so sad, Bon upset the powers that be to try to save Elena, and she can’t do it again. Danger, Will Robinson! Caroline, always the voice of reason, announced they could just wait a few days and try again with ‘traditional‘ magic. Ahem. Kyler was never one for patience, so he decided to self de-heart Tyler and jump into somebody else–maybe Jeremy? Pick, Bonnie! You or Tyler! Well, that trick worked. Let’s begin!
The unKlausification project began via Tyler scalp massage, and yeowch, he’s reunited with Car–Ode to Joy! Until Grams showed up AGAIN. Child, you were warned! Tyler was on the floor, but himself once more, and Grams held Bonnie’s hands–they were locked together! Whatup with that? Grams was being punished for Bonnie’s choice to dip into The Dark Side again–and Sheila like desiccated and disappeared, screaming in agony! WTH?!
MYSTIC FALLS NEEDS STRICTER GUN CONTROL
You can’t keep a good vampire down with wooden bullets and it took Stef no time to pick out the offending splinters. We noticed how Stef and Elena were confined back to back with a wall separating them, but Bex was across the barn so she could witness all the emo. She’s so jealous of what she’s never had, couldn’t you just see it? ‘Twas a very emotional scene for her to witness. Stef was sorry he‘d talked Elena out of feeding in the morning, Elena didn’t want him to be sorry; he’d had hope. That’s all she ever wanted him to have. Hope. Elena told him she was on Wickery Bridge to come back for him. She loves him and it‘s the best choice she ever made. Oh, the dying professions of love, with the Old Rippah Stefan nothing more than a dark memory.
They wished they could see each other and lied to one another that they were smiling. No you weren’t Stefan, you were cryin, fess up! About that time, Damon and Matt pulled up outside in the Camaro with no weapons–just bait. Matty, look out! Damon, what big TEETH you have! (we think he may have found his cajones during the hiatus, too!)
Damon’s outburst brought Pastor Young outside–come out, come out, wherever you are. Let’s make a deal! The Band of Boobs give up Stefan and Elena, and Innocent Matty could come with the Pastor. Ambush! It’s WACO (We Ain’t Comin Out) and Damon took a wooden bullet from a Deputy Sniper!
TASTE THE RAINBOW
Two of the Deputy Dawgs returned to the barn to reload the vervain Glade air freshener, and a silent agreement was made between Bex and Stefan with a nod. Too bad the Dawg with the lines stayed behind and sent his partner out to drag Damon in–because he was the one Bex feebly tried to bribe.
The plan worked. Bex lunged for him, Deputy backed up (right into Stef‘s waiting grasp between the bars), and Stef beat the beejeezus outa Dawg’s skittle-brain against the bars. Small parts with lines ALWAYS get offed! Blood pooled on the floor. Trannylena, now’s your chance! Reach for it! Stretch! Gasp! Just a little pinch between the cheek and gums…
A HATE WORSE THAN DEATH
Two armed fidiots approached a prone (POSSUM!) Damon out on the front lawn–never toe an undead menace. Just sayin! And isn’t it just like a Salvatore to bring a shotgun to a knife fight? We actually guffawed when Damon grabbed that deputy’s shotgun, shoved it point blank into the guy’s chest, and then STABBED him with it! ROFL Matt tried to get to his feet (until Damon drop kicked him).
Matty told Damon to go ahead and kill him, Damon couldn’t possibly hate him more than he hates himself. Oh, yeah, MORE! It shoulda been you! Just as Damon planted a boot on Matt’s trachea, ZOOM! What was that flyin around the side of the house taking Damon down? Elena? No more tranny!
Matty managed to heave it to the barn where Stef fed him some of his vampire blood to ‘save him’. STOP SAVING ME! The ingrate! That got Stefan’s goat. Matt was NOT his first choice in the little drowning incident. Matt’s saddled himself with the guilt of Elena being a vampire because of him every day for the rest of his life. Double ingrate! He doesn’t HAVE to live with that, he GETS to live with it! Elena put Matt’s life before her own, so he oughta earn it every day he gets out of bed. Stef was in a huff!
THINGS REMEMBERED ENGRAVED GIFTS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Speaking of huffy confrontations, Elena let Damon up to argue about him killing Matt. Yup, guy just won’t die! Oh, no, it was the scene we’ve been waiting all summer for. Elena remembered EVERYTHING that Damon compelled her to forget. Didn’t THAT just stop Damon dead in his shitkickers? They met first, the stranger that told her he wanted her to get everything she wanted from life–why didn’t he tell her? No dif. Damon asked her to make a choice and she did. Take it out on her, not everybody else. Damon’s done. Last night’s bridge incident? He woulda saved her in a heartbeat. Matt would be dead but she wouldn’t. She’d have lived the life that she wanted and deserved–Damon didn’t used to understand that, but he does now. He wanted that for her. He woulda done that for her and let Matt die because yes, he IS that selfish. But the first night they met wasn’t all she remembered. Was that some evil snarky eyesex or what?! Annnnd she didn’t have a comeback.
TRAVEL NEWS
Three? THREE bloodbags was all Klaus drained out of The Doppelganger? He (the one, the only, The Original–accept no substitutes) was packin up his stash of Doppelganger serum at home when Bex finally arrived, outraged that he saved Caroline over his own flesh and blood (bad pun). Well didn’t she throw a little hissy fit (and a bloodbag)?!
She loved Klaus through all his crap, and what did she get in return? We think Klaus may have made a puddle when she burst the last two bloodbags capable of making his replacement hybrid family. Okay, now he was pissed. Grabbed that bimbo by the throat and denounced her as family, as sister, she’s NOTHING! And he cast her aside and stormed out!
CELEBRATE THE HALLMARK MOMENTS
(Editor’s shoutout to all the book nerds who appreciated the lovely scene high atop the roof of Stately Salvatore Manor, aka the widow’s walk above Stefan’s room at Mrs. Flowers’ Boarding House. *sigh*) The whole Council knows who they are now–well, give it another scene, Elena. Everything’s not gonna be okay. This whole vampire thing is gonna be the worst thing Elena’s ever lived through (OMG, really? Can we look back at two seasons?) She’ll get to live, though, as a sister, and a friend, and she’ll get to be with Stefan forever (if she wants, ahem)….
and watch the sun come up, because Bonnie made her a beautiful little daylight ring (knock-offs of which we‘re sure will be on e-Bay within the week). She’s gonna get through this One Day at a Time (and with Growing Pains, we have a whole 70s sitcom going here!). It was a touchingly beautiful Hallmark sunrise sure to be a hit with the giffers and tumblrs. Kleenex again, please!
OBITUARIES
What was that Elena said about the whole Council knowing? Was that most of the Council in Pastor Young’s ranch kitchen? While he was busy talking and passing out vervain, he very cunningly disconnected the gas feed from the stove. Why did he lock them all inside? Fear not! He’d been ‘chosen’ to lead them in a movement–free to pass through The Gates and reunite in Eternity. He totally went Jim Jones on them and flicked his Bic. Poof! Who was controlling Pastor Young? Are the Friendly Founders (Liz, Carol, Meredith) the only Council members to survive? Tune in next week for (maybe) the answers to these and other exciting questions!
