Mystic Falls Messenger
Didn’t Smell Like Teen Spirit to us! Smelled more like combustible candles, flambéed pictures, melty marshmallows, scorched SUVs, roasted humans, blistered vampires, pyretic ghosts, and red-hot relationships!
Editor’s notes: Honorable mention goes to Reader kallistra for providing a yummy snack recipe for last week‘s edition! Special thanks, as always, to Ruthie for interpreting this rag in visuals!
SELF-DEFENSE 101
Alaric Salzman is moonlighting in the woods as MF’s own Self-Defense Against the Dark Boyfriends teacher. His first very early morning student was Elena Gilbert, who aimlessly tried to CoverGirl away those unsightly [hickies] bite marks before class. Be prepared to pack a punch, lift some weights, put some meat on your bones, and learn to use the weird wooden stake shooting glove.
‘Teach’ is not responsible for surprise vervain grenade accidents so handle with care! Elena got high marks for just getting out of bed, making her the strongest person he knows (oh, those post-binge hangovers are the pits)!
SCHOOL RESUMES IN MYSTIC FALLS
We caught up with the Class of 2012 on their first day of Senior Year! After a traumatic summer, Caroline Forbes was once again Little Miss Sunshine–spreading Get Over It cheer all around. Cases in point: Prank night was a bust, Bonnie’s BF sees dead girlfriends past, Caroline’s BF is now a hybrid, and oh, yes, it’s Elena’s anniversary. She and Stefan met one year *ahem in TVD years* ago. She won the Bummer of the Day contest. New year new life (new neck scarf). Whoopee.
PARLOR GAMES
Hasbro teamed up with the U.S. Army to beta-test an interactive Rippah version of Twister at the Stately Salvatore Manor! The spinner-thingy apparently indicated body parts (ooh, nice), with Stef [cheating] winning every move! Be all that you can be [in Klaus‘ Army]! Warning to gamesters: losers get strewn all over the floor in pools, and you MAY be required to replace the stained Persian rugs. Not recommended for children under 18!
Stef’s game (with chastising by Damon) was interrupted mid-twist by a rude knock on the door. Miss Rude Rebekkah herself came flouncing in demanding to be shown her room. ‘Scuse me, sister, Damon never even MET you before! Who cares if your brother ditched you? Stef didn’t want her there, either! After pronouncing the Bros Rude (how dare you!?) she did a never mind I’ll see to it myself. NOTE: We guess since everybuddy that lives at The Manor is now technically dead, she didn’t need an invite.
BACK TO SCHOOL FLOPPING
Bonnie and Jeremy were spotted quasi-arguing in the MF High hallway about dead girlfriends interfering in their relationship. These two crazy kids are both candidates for the Ann Landers Hall of Relationship Shame! Ah, Jer loved both his exes but they didn’t break up…they DIED! But he still sees them. Two-timing S.O.B.! Meaningful statement: ‘You have the power to decide not to see them. Remember that.’ (you, too, readers!)
One more Will He Live Till Graduation Senior, Matt, parked his hunka junk in the school lot for a chat with Long-Dead Vicki. After agreeing how unhappy and lonely they BOTH were about the way things turned out, Vick dropped the bombshell. She always DID play with guys. There’s a way Matty can help her come back? Huh?
At that moment, Tyler douchebag beating [on his chest] on the hood. Poof! No more Vicki! He heard Matt ‘talkin to himself’ (r u crazy?) but hell, he was in a GREAT mood! They’re SENIORS! Life is Good! A mind is a terrible thing to waste….
Cell phone use will again be encouraged everywhere at MF High. Elena got a warning call from Damon about the After-School Special being pre-empted by Barbie Klaus. Yes, it trended on Twitter worldwide right after that! Bwahaaa!
When Elena wanted to know why Bex was there and started asking about Stef, well! Stef’s just hanging around journaling, reading, shaping his hair–lol. Diversionary Damon got all cutesy “what is that, the bell? Ring, ring! Don’t wanna be late“! Dead air. Frustrated Elena!
Little Miss Sunshine Car hung posters announcing the first Spirit Squad Bonfire of the year! Spirit Squad indeed! Elena was in NO MOOD, but agreed to be there or be square. Couldn’t Bonnie just set fire to the town? Oops! Tyler interrupted their little convo with a smooth smooch move. Attention Parents: Don’t let your kids go to school wearing Breakfast Blood on their shirts! It’s unhygienic Vampire 101!
The mandatory first day of school Boys Bathroom Invasion occurred–Elena must keep up traditions! She and Car hustled Tyler into the john to clean up the evidence. Dried blood is NOT easy to get out of polyester! Tyler and Caroline argued about Bex’ blood bag breakfast slam and how Unawesome being the Klaus’ first successful hybaby was while Elena checked the stalls (for what, you ask?) and got paper towels. Caroline was outraged at Tyler’s ‘tude. Elena ducked out quickly, only to…BAM!
…run right into Stef just outside the door (*sigh* just like Season 1.) Back to school as a senior for the hundredth time. Go Timberwolves! There was some testy convo–Stef is the Klaus-minion sent to keep a vamp-eye on her. When Elena tried to leave in a huff, she got arm-grabbed for her trouble.
Um, wrong way, Elena. The scuffle was broken up by Alaric, who Stef locker slammed. We report teacher abuse! Ric may not gonna wanna get in Stef’s way this year. Smirky ‘see you both in history‘ exit.
Fractured AP American History was disrupted by Ric questioning Elena about Stef’s presence (she’s a Klaus “asset” since her blood is needed to make hybrids and Stef’s the bloodguard). Not good! Before roll call, Stef threw Anonymous Student out of the seat next to Elena (what an ass!), and Ric discovered a NEW student!
First lesson was on the Country’s original founders, the Native Americans. NEW student contradicted it was Vikings (shoutout Eric Northman!). It’s Bratty Bex, NEW student extraordinaire and history is her favorite subject (because she‘s so damned OLD). And how are all these kids in Fractured AP American History?
WHERE TO HANG (OR HAUNT) BETWEEN CLASSES
Prime hangouts this school year are next to the psychedelic VW in the Stoner Pit, and the Boys john (that place is a hotbed of action already!). If you didn’t get a contact high bouncing back and forth between the two, you could follow the action. Matt was at The Pit (Vick’s Comfort Zone) DYING to find out how he could help her come back. Ah, think of her and she’ll be there! BUT (there’s always a butt) she can be free of that, with help from the other side.
Jeremy walked up all ‘Dude, what R you doing over here?‘ and pretended he didn’t see Vicki. FACEPALM! Jer went straight for The John and sure enough, there was Anna! Jer had to explain to Anna about Matt dying/coming back/now he can see Vicki; you think she’d know these things for crissakes! Keep up, woman! He heard their convo about Vick can come back with help on the other side. We got the down-low in pieces, but here’s the scoop:
Vicki’s Ghost Witch has a ritual to do magic from Vick’s side to push her over to Matt‘s side. Huh? Anna (always a smart home-schooler) figured if Vick had a stronger foothold it might work. Vicki got all full of heroldself, wanted to come and go as she pleased, where she wants, when she wants, without Matty thinkin about her!
Matt was not so sure, still a ghost, right? Hey in a town full of vampires, werewolves and witches she’d fit right in! Still ghostly, but one else would see her. You won’t have to be ALONE! Matt frowned. What do I have to do? He’s really gotten into the supernatural cesspool!
Anna hammered Jer about Vicki’s bad news darkness, but hey, she‘s not a bad person (just a dead one). Anna reminded us you can’t upset the balance of nature without a price. It’s Not Nice to fool Mother Nature! If Vick’s using a witch’s energy from the Other Side, there’s a price! (Bing it, Jer. You know you can!)
SPORTS
ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD: Could we have LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It” in the background? Tyler showed off his skills, Bex jumped NowDeadDana’s spot on the cheer squad, threatened to steal Car‘s “man“, and oh, yea. Hybaby got tired of practice and just compelled the coach to send the team to the showers and the Bonfire kegger!
How cool was that! Tyler was really on a roll with his Klaus gift, and Caroline Queen of Subtlety didn‘t like it one bit. Smells like Teen Trouble in Paradise! Speaking of showing off, did you catch Bex’ hot pumped up kicks? Ty did.
TRACK AND FIELD: Or Smack and Yield. Take your pick. Elena in get-in-shape mode confronted her nemesis/love on the track Stef was all small talk about the bonfire and Homecoming dates. Acted like a totes A-hole. When Random Guy accidentally ran into Elena, Stef smacked him down. Who ARE you, Stefan, you dickhead? He’s the guy that’s been assigned to protect the human blood bag. Elena walks off. What the Hell?
IF YOU THOUGHT BIKRAM YOGA WAS HOT…
Wanna bench-press a vampire? Hire Damon as your Personal Trainer! Fresh off her “Stef called me a human blood bag!” outrage call to Damon, Elena hit the weight room. Damon (all you called I’m here) did a wrong but HOT job of spotting her. Props for the Buffy/Warrior Princess snark, but you‘re supposed to help them lift, not hold down the barbell! Elena’s Plan A is to lock Stef up until this Mikael-guy shows, kills Klaus, and Stef’s compulsion breaks. Not to be a naysayer, but Damon reminded her Stef’s high on human blood, and a lot of it. Knock, knock, rehab calling? Humanity’s gone. Lights out. No one’s home. Totes knowing it would work, Elena went to backup “Do it for me Damon”.
Is this a weight room or an Anatomy lesson? Her hand pressed to his chest–Sternum, solid plate of bone. Schwing your partner into Let’s Play Spoons! *reporter getting visuals here for a second-just breathe* [fingers on bare skin] Right here, just below the rib cage. Next to the spine. That’s your way to a vampire’s heart. *I may need an icepack* Ear murmuring and lip ogling–whatever you need, no one’s gonna hurt you, specially not my brother. And here we thought the way to Damon’s heart was in his pants. Are there any clean sweat towels left?!?!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Those of you NOT watching network TV should count yourselves LUCKY you were not subjected to the Jiggle/Wiggle Old Navy ads. Just sayin.
SPIRIT BONFIRE
Elena’s Plan A needed some pre-bonfire work with the modified Scooby-Gang. 1) She lures Stef away from the bonfire, 2) when he was distracted Ric was gonna shoot him. Can’t Bon just ju-ju him? Elena was afraid Stef would hurt her, so nix on Bon (she had other things to attend to). 3) Caroline was to prep Ye Olde Forbes Jail Cell. Kinky blonde ponytail in the plan–Bex.
Hey, Damon brought it up, so he got the job! Too bad they were fresh out of Original daggers. Snarking ensued between former Bromancers Damon and Ric about charm versus dagger and being terminally mad. Enter Fly [Ty] in the Ointment. Better late than never-not so much.
4) Need to raid Mayor Mom’s vervain supply to keep Stef down for a while, in Stef’s best interest. But NO! Ty said it wasn‘t in Klaus‘ interest!. Klaus is Bad Guy Numero Uno, you freaky hybrid slave minion. “Klaus made me who I am“. Uh-oh. Damon staked Ty in the back with something off Ric’s desk (?) before Car could screech him to unconsciousness. Ah, Tyler is loyal to his sire–the blood of Klaus compels you (wait, Exorcist line?). Car wanted to know how to fix him? Get a new boyfriend.
Nobody got carded at the Bonfire kegger–why are we not surprised? Bunches are hundreds of years old, anyway! Elena interrupted Bex and Stef discussing Tyler’s availability as a new toy to get a brewski. Stef warned her about being a lightweight, to which she quipped about not letting a blood addict tell her how to drink…Touché!
STOCK TIP OF THE WEEK
Run, don’t walk, to your broker for stock in White Barn Candle Company. At the rate this town goes through candles, you’ll make a mint! Matt was seen lighting up a mess of them at home with his dead sis, a picture, and a knife. He viciously cut one palm and ruined a perfectly good family pic! But with concentration, Vick chanting about it being a good thing, and telling him what to say, POOF! We got wind, candles shot up, and the pic burst into flames. Call 9-1-1! But, suddenly everything went out and a door slammed (doncha hate it when that happens?). They felt it! And they can feel each other (incest?). Hugs!
MEANWHILE, back at the school, Bon and Jer were amidst another Anna discussion. Bon’s miffed he keeps going to the dead GF on the Other Side. What about me, huh? Vicki’s Ghost Witch must be super-strong; I shoulda been the one you turned to! Cue Anna. She’s here? She’s here? Bon can’t deal with this shit. She went to help Matt instead, so there!
The Donovans are having an “AHA” moment–Vicki could feel the heat from the candles (toldja to buy them). She could feel everything! Amazeballs! Okay, now for the PRICE. She made a deal. She has to help Ghost Witch restore The Balance. Klaus’ hybrids can’t be allowed to survive. Matty’s all No, don’t kill Tyler. Buzz–wrong answer. Elena is the key to creating the hybrids. No! And Vicki clocks him. Sorry Matty, but she wants to stay (and get stoned).
PLAN “A” DISTRACTION
Tipsy Elena swilled back a few against a tree while being stalked by Stef luring at her. Toast! Scantily clad Bex attempted marshmallow roasting, but got distracted by an extremely flirty Damon.
He was in instructor mode–ha ha! Marshmallow’s little rough on the outside but on the inside. Yum. Followed by finger licking. The Eye Thing. *fans self*
Stef was watching fake-tipsy Elena watching Damon (3-way! lol) Was that jealousy Stef spied in Elena’s eyes? Are too, Am not! Are too, Am not!
She ditched Stef again, and again he followed. You can lead a horse to water…
EMERGENCY PHONE CALL! Matt to Bon: I effed up, Bon! And we spy Vicki arriving at the “spirit” bonfire, Bogartting a joint!
RECIPE OF THE WEEK
Two Graham cracker squares, one Hershey’s chocolate square of similar size, one hot melty marshmallow fresh off the stick/stake. Add eye sex. Offer to be mean if that’s what she’s into. Stir up a little is this a distraction, why? Why? Because we LIKE you! More Eye sex. Stake in the gut. What a Biotch!
MAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
Tyler came to at home (apparently Caroline drug him there by the short ones) to a scowling eff-buddy! You total D-bag! You’ve been sired. You put Klaus first cause he’s your master. Not able to take the blow to his male ego, Ty claimed foul and nobody controls him! Caroline was on a tear of her own, and didn’t want the OLD obnoxious Tyler that she would never be friends with (let alone hop in the sack with)! About then Ty’s hormones kicked in and he apologized–awww. He hated that Old Tyler, too! Everything he liked about himself is her. Smooch. Apparently the way to Caroline’s heart is make-up sex!
UNDER THE INFLUENCE IN PROGRESS
Semi-fake-tipsier Elena was spotted by the Stef fun-police drunk on the bleachers. Designated driver alert! Plan A kicked in and Elena climbed over the railing, in order to fall. Stef vamp sped to catch her–this wasn‘t love, it was human bloodbag protection detail. But, they had a tiny moment. Just before Ric crossbowed him twice in the back. Grab the designated corpse!
The race was on! Dump Stef in the back of the SUV. Vicki nearby blowing on the glowing the reefer embers. Matt ranting to Bon inside the school about messing up by trusting Vicki. What you did to let her out so Bon could send her back? Ric accidentally kicked a gas can that had been conveniently left nearby.
Vicki tossed the joint into the stream of gas she obviously poured to catch flame. Elena locked inside the SUV with Stef in the back. Ghost Vick was in there with her preventing the doors from unlocking. Ric ran to a nearby truck for a shovel to try to break the glass. Were we tired yet?
Bon miraculously found a spell to block whatever magic was helping Vicki. That damned grimoire must be tattooed on Bon’s ass! They had like a hundred candles lit (again). Apparently magic does not work by incandescent light! Matt has to get his OTHER palm sliced open. He’s not gonna be able to wash dishes at the Grill for a week!
Inside the flaming SUV, Elena called out to Stef, who was starting to come to by this time. Kicked out the back door like it was buttah. Bon chanting and Matt bleeding. It worked! Vicki’s all of a sudden in the school with Matt and Bon. The spell was working but Vicki was still there because of Matt.
Neither one wanted to be alone anymore. At least this time he got to say goodbye. Is this vampire ghost sister twice removed? And Elena miraculously pulled Stef out of the burning SUV just before the big KABOOM!
SOFT PORN
Which of our readers had a Shadow Souls flashback during the Damon and Elena first-aid moment? …he moved to gently touch her cheek with his silky soft tongue…Elena thought it was like being stroked with the petals of a Black Magic rose… Tongue bath. I digress. Quiet frisky banter “You had Rebekkah drooling all over you AND your marshmallows”. “Thought you were too drunk to notice”. ”I was faking most of it”. “So was I”. *sigh* Cockblock Ric! Don’t you remember what it’s like to be pre-coitus interruptus?! Ready to go Elena? Great work tonight, Ric. Sorry about the car. Bummer. We loved the eye lock as she left.
In the Afterglow at Lockwood Estates, Car was doin the dress and run and Ty’s in an afghan! He has to earn the overnighter. Wham Bam Thank You Man!
Car left, but Bex arrived–with a present! Pre-opened anonymous human blood bag. Klaus would want his hybaby to indulge in everything life *cough cough* has to offer. Bite! Caroline-who?
KAT & MOUSE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS
We know you readers are all dying to know the deets on Kat and Mikael. This whole edition, Kat was attempting (with a little heckling from Damon on the phone–gotta derippahfy Stefan!) to rouse Mikael from the Sleep of the Dead. Being a vampire and all, she figured blood was the key: grave diggers, mourners, rats, mice, bats. What was this, Baskin Robbins 31 flavors?
Eventually she tried drippin blood directly from the neck of a handy cemetery visitor onto Mikael’s mouth. He brightened up a bit, but said NO! Get it away from me! Well, he may have been the Big Bad from Chicago in the 20s, but he didn’t look so hot now!
Kat lit MORE candles in the Pickett tomb when her Breakfast of Champions finally kicked in. Mikael genteelly apologized for his outburst, but he‘s been denying himself human blood for as long as he can remember (hey, that’s a looonnnng time). When Kat explained the purpose of the wake-up call, Mikael asked for help with the chains. He wasn’t “quite” himself yet. Oh, and BTW, he can kill Klaus and he will. Okay, off with the chains.
In Kat’s usual feisty style, she suggested a little blood to grease up his muscles. Ha-ha. I don’t feed on living things. Then What DO you eat? I’m not gonna try it–you try it! Let’s get Mikey, he hates everything. Mikael vigorously begins to consume WHAT?! Katherine?! He likes it! Hey Mikey!
IT’S A WRAP!
As Ric and Elena left what USED to be her house, she chided him about being friends with Damon again…The Woobie kinda misses you! Stef pops in to admit they got him and he wasn’t expecting it. Always the kidder, Ric gave the obligatory “That was the point”. Stef reminded both of them Elena needs his protection and they’re ALL better off with him around. They turned to leave and Stef stopped Elena. Just when you thought it was safe to jump into the humanity pool. Why didn’t she let him die in that fire? HOPE! She’s not giving up. SMAK! Stef told her that just made her pathetic. Turn of events Thursday, no, it makes her STRONG. And she used the weird wooden stake shooting glove! Penetration at last!
Jer’s whacked out world of GFs found him with Anna, in his bedroom, trying to call Bonnie, who wouldn’t pick up. Two-timer. Anna realized she shouldn’t be there while he’s calling Bon. He’s confused. He doesn’t think he can stop thinking about vampire sex. They touch. And they both felt it and entwined fingers. Are we gonna have ghost sex? What will Bonnie say about THAT!?
In a truly head-spinning climax, we found Damon rolling up one of the floozy soaked rugs at Stately Salvatore Manor when a vase flew across the room and broke. Nice one, Stef. Real juvenile. It sucks to be the clean-up man. As he bent over to retrieve the broken pieces, Damon got drop kicked across the room. WTF! It’s Mason!
Not to make everyone sad, but we have another Klaus-free episode coming up this week. To tide you over, 
