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Mystic Falls Messenger: TVD Recap Episode 3.15 “All My Children

Mystic Falls Messenger

As the world turns around all my children, the guiding light of another world dawns on the young and the restless. Who’s hiding in our general hospital? Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives. (Sue me!) No, Toto, we’re not in Pine Valley anymore!

Editor’s note: Ruthie is trying really hard not to crash the site with too many screencaps–made all the easier this week by SO MANY DARK CAVE SCENES! Smoochies to Ruthie–she’s a trooper!

COLD FRONT SWEEPS THROUGH MYSTIC FALLS

The weather took a turn toward the icy following The Big Ball, on apparently the longest day of the year in Mystic Falls. Elena met the sun in bed (with mini-Woobie, we might add) after an obviously fitful night. Desperate for worship, her first phone call was to Stefan, who was up writing in his DIARY? [We thought they’d done away with those.] Stef ignored her straight to voicemail (I‘m having a heat wave for your brother but I HAVE to talk you since our little heart-to-heart on The Porch of Truth). It’s getting COLD up in here! The sloppy second call went to Damon–ah, Bex was in bed with the Big Woobie! What?! I‘m busy getting (READ: getting busy) over you with your worst enemy; don‘t call here again! Click. Wrong move, Elena. Guess you need to find a new phone-sex buddy! Ten calls is not enough!

Elena got dressed and stomped over to Stately Salvatore Manor. Just in time to catch Bex being escorted to the door by half-naked Damon. They were agreeing on their sleepover being no big, but Rebekah expected to at least get a second date out of it. Don’t hold your breath, and don‘t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. ELENA-BUSTED! Bex looked like she just put another notch in her garter belt. Damon looked busted. Elena looked…..incredulous. Brrrr! It’s sleeting daggers!

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DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

In a futile attempt to not stare at Damon while he put his shirt on, Elena figured SURELY Damon was off this vervain and compelled to ravage Bex. Don’t call him Shirley, he wasn’t compelled, he’ll have a little bourbon breakfast of champions, and maybe it’s NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, ELENA! Moving right along! Elena filled him in on the great and wonderful Esther plan linking all the Originals, since he missed it by whoring around! Winna, winna, chicken dinna! Maybe Elena tried to work the jealousy angle here–she didn’t want ALL of them dead, what about her fave, Elijah? Oh, and maybe Damon might actually care about the wench he just defiled? [This could turn out to be Damon’s best undiabolical strategy to-date--Elena was actually acting jealous! And he drunk-stumbled into it!] Hold up! Two seconds ago Elena was pissed that Rebekah attacked her 48 hours earlier. It’s a win-win. Frown. Don’t do anything to screw this up, Elena. Stef snuck in; he was always such an eavesdropper. Damon’s right, you know. Klaus has to die. They all do. Democracy in action. Two against one! Elena barged past Damon in a huff, spilling his drink on the way to the door. She didn’t like being outvoted in this majority rules!

SCANDALOUS STRUMPET OUT ALL NIGHT

Our Society Column recounts the remnants of The Big Ball. Rebekah arrived home THE NEXT MORNING to the heckling of Kol. Klaus tried to stay out of the fray, sketching creepy crush-boy drawings of Caroline and horses (Ewww! He‘s worse than a GIRL!). At least The Strumpet‘s having fun! Kol wanted to go have fun, but not alone (what’s up with these clingy Originals?). He guilted Nik into going with him (hey, you daggered me in the heart, you owe me a good time!) Coerced into day drinking–Klaus didn’t get enough booze at the party, what with Kol trying to murder Bex’ human date and all. Bex practically threw them out (This house has enough men rolling around in it!), but not without one last Kol parting shot (Just like you, Bekkah!) Good riddance.

Unlike his crass brothers, Elijah came in to discuss his worries about Esther’s strange behavior with Bex. She totally defended Mom’s position. You try being dead for a thousand years and you’d be strange, too! Elijah pondered the burned sage from Esther’s privacy spell, whist Bex suggested he ask Mama’s little pet Finn what was up? Elijah doesn’t trust Finn (smart vamp), since he always hated what they are. Rebekah’s so EASY–she thinks Mom returned for one reason, to make the family whole. She loves them. What trouble is Elijah looking to find? (Don’t ask the question if you can’t stand the dot, dot, dot)

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE GIGOLO

Not really, but made ya look, didn’t we? We’re saving up our exposé on the Bennett family until all the facts are in–like how come all the females have the same last name, where’s Bonnie’s dad/what is HIS last name, and who’s house is Bonnie living in? Bonnie tried to duplicate the sage privacy spell in her bedroom while Elena carried on-and-on about Damon being proud of his romp with Bex. Can you hear me now? Yes, not only could our reporter eavesdrop from outside, but Caroline heard from the hall–no, it’s NOT working, she heard all about Damon the Vampire Gigolo. Bonnie went all “you brought this whack-job spell in here“–we need more (cowbell) smoke! Car went back out to “check” if more smoke was working. Oh, and if Elena was done ranting, she might be interested to know Ester came to visit that morning. Um, Elena’s been venting about Damon and Bonnie forgot to say this because? No worries. Esther wanted to [suck off more power] politely introduce herself, since the Bennett Babes brought her back. Ooh, nasty, can’t Bonnie stop that channeling crap? Like, why? Elena’s guilty conscience Before the Sun and Moon Farce, Elijah found a way to keep her alive. Now the tables are turned and she’s gonna let him die? Doesn’t feel right. Car barged back in. She can STILL hear them! And hey, ELENA’s not doing this. Esther is! Bonnie let them know it was a full moon (what, no calendars?), and Elijah‘s minutes were numbered. We thought Esther said this was going to take TIME, but what‘s a day, give or take? Celestial event, harness energy, Abby invited Bon-Abby to the party! Yays! They totes got snubbed for The Ball!

FAULTLINE REPORTED AT STATELY SALVATORE MANOR

Damon’s ego was busy suckin all the air out of the room (Lord, we’ve missed that!) when he offered Stef a pre-victory toast of 98.6. Extra broody Stef suggested they wait till Klaus was dead maybe? (Ignore) High-five at the way we stood up to Elena! Team Salvatore of the Unwhipped! Musta driven her nuts. Maybe somebody should talk to her so she doesn’t screw things up (as usual). She won’t listen to Damon–possibly the little sleepover pissed her off? Not his fault she got jealous. Oh, yeah, 100% his fault given his choice of wench. Get over it, already! Damon did his bro a favor, now Stef can come in and reclaim what was once his. Martyr Stefan echoed Klaus’ thought that Elena’s better off without BOTH of them. Fine. Neither one of them gets her. Just make sure she doesn’t screw with Esther’s plan. Smacked down one of the tumblers of blood on the end table. Stef eyed it longingly.

EXPLETIVE DELETED–THE WOODSY OWL REPORT

Sometime later in The Day, Elena received a gentleman intruder. Knock, knock. Who’s there? The Suit. The Suit who? The Suit of Shame On You for lying to me! Elijah came to invite Elena to “take a ride” out into the woods. Seen stopping at an undisclosed remote destination, Elena made small talk but it’s history lesson time! We all know how Elijah luuuves to retell history! Her school was built over an Indian village (wait, when did Indians come into this?): saw his first werewolf, Klaus got wild horses to pose nekkid for him, natives worshipped where The Town Square is. Ain’t that incredible? No, it’s boring. Here was the REAL interesting place. A cavern below that boy-Elijah used to play in connected to a system of tunnels. (Woodsy Owl smelled a Lockwood Cave somewhere–owls are smart like that.) The caverns were Nature’s way of providing the Mikaelson’s with shelter against the savagery of the full moon (i.e. werewolves). Elena got nervous and said she should probs go home. Let’s be TOO COOL about being ruthless, Elijah! He admired and valued her lack of deceit and yet, oopsie! SHE LIED TO HIS FACE ABOUT MOM‘S MOTIVES! Mumble, mumble, excuse, excuse–he can hear her heart jump when she lies. Like right now. TRUTH! And they’re not even on The Porch! Elena backpedaled, never wanted this to happen, thought whatever was in the coffin was the Klaus-Killer, and instead it was Esther, yadayadayada. Elena had thought Esther was gonna help find a way to kill Klaus. But Elijah was WAY ahead of her–not just Klaus that she wanted to kill. She wants to kill them all, doesn’t she? Elijah actually mouthed the word F#@K! Elena wished there was something she could do to help. Be careful what you wish for! Elijah stomped a hole in the roof of the cavern, grabbed Elena, and jumped! First Floor–NOT Ladies’ Lingerie! Elijah abandoned Elena with her cell–no, we can’t hear you now because you get NO CELL signal down in that abyss!

THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL

Damon got worried that he hadn‘t heard from Elena since she slopped his drink all over him in a huff. He called Ric, who was, of course, holding up the bar at The Grill. Ric hadn’t seen Elena since morning, when she ratted out Damon’s Original Sexcapades. Can that girl not keep her mouth shut? (we’re saving front page space for her tell-all.) Hey it was “hard” for her not to tell. While she was spilling, did she also tell Ric she was having an attack of conscience about the whole Original Murder thing? Ric was NOT gonna judge her for having a conscience. Well, don’t have to. Just tie her up or lock her in her room till this is all over! Ric wouldn‘t if he could, and he can‘t, he’s busy. With sexy psycho doctor? Nunya. Buh-bye. Just then Damon spied the undrunk tumbler of blood he strategically left to tempt Stefan. Untouched. Suspicious?

Yup, Meredith was day drinking between rounds with Ric, again. Does Damon still think she’s a serial killer? He’s a little judgmental. Isn’t everybody? Subject change. Ric’s conveniently handy medical chart x-rays were inconclusive. Since he heals so damn fast, Meredith couldn’t tell if the attacker was tall, short, left or right-handed, nada. And his CT scan was clear, he sure he can’t remember anything? Maybe there’s a reason. Maybe he was…….COMPELLED! Wait, Meredith thinks The Slasher is a vampire? Well, it’s the only assumption left. You know what they say about assumptions. Speaking of asses, Klaus and Kol sidled up to the bar to defend the New Kids On The Block–don’t look at us if you’ve got a Serial Killer problem! We’re just letting off some steam (while Kol’s making steamy eyes at Meredith).

MANIFEST DESTINY?

The Bennett Babes walked to the tea party with Esther & Son at The Slayboy Mansion/Dust Bunny Hutch. Abby was overheard wondering what Grams would say. She’d say ‘What in HELL are you two doin getting mixed up in vampire shit again!?’ Magnamanous welcome by Ester, with compliments all around. Finn just looked creepy, as usual. Why are they here? Oh, and thanks for the invite to The Ball, it was a GAS (not)! As the descendants of Ayanna, Esther’s bff forever, she channels their entire bloodline, living and dead, but it’s hard to maintain. That’s why she needs them–they are the bloodline made manifest. ‘Tonight, my sistas, we shall bring peace to the spirits of nature that we serve and for that, I thank you.

CLAN OF THE CAVE BITCH

Elena tried to investigate her surroundings lookin for a way out. Well, hell no, Bex is down there guarding her! And she was NOT in the mood to gloat about how good Damon was in the sack (if we remember correctly, Elena’s been TOLD this before *ahem Bree*). If Elena tried to run, Bex got to kill her! Goodie!

REPORTED FAULTLINE REALLY A TIMELINE

Stef went out looking for Elena, and came home to find Elijah warming his cheeks in front of the Stately Salvatore Fireplace (that has it’s own Twitter account, btw! We attempted to get it to put down a bearskin rug, but The Fireplace complained that the bros were always getting bloodstains on it!). We digress. Damon informed Stef that Elijah had Elena. He’s got his thong in a wad, actually she’s with Rebekah. [CATFIGHT!] If The Salvabros wanna [keep Bex from ripping her throat out] save her life, they have to help stop Esther. Damon was embarrassed to admit he’s a little rusty at killing thousand year old resurrected witches. Unfortunately, even when killed, Mom doesn’t want to STAY dead. Plan B? The witches that released Esther (Bon and Abby), she’s drawing power from their bloodline. It needs to be broken. As in curtains! Elijah would do it himself, but he [doesn’t have thumbs] didn’t know where they were. Besides, they’d know if they saw Elijah comin–but those two fools? In any case, they have until 6 minutes after 9 to find them. Synchronize your watches! Because at 9:07 the moon will be full, Mom will be all juiced up, and Elijah’s family dies. If The Bros don’t stop her before then, Rebekah will kill Elena. We all had our timeline, tick tock!

4G CELL SERVICE EXTENDED

Bex, all caught up on technology, took a cell hostage-vid of Elena to inspire The Boyfriends to rescue her. Because SHE had the unlimited data plan and the 4G coverage (that’s why Elena’s phone didn’t work!) Come on, Elena, give us a few bars of ‘stuck in a hole with your biggest fan’! Bex couldn’t decide what she wanted more. To find out the family’s saved or that she had the green light to rip off Elena’s head. Elena tried begging–it wasn’t her fault! Both gals wanted to get rid of Klaus, she didn’t know Esther was demented! Shut up, you cow! Bex had no desire to spend her last few hours of life (?) with a literal back-stabber! Completely annoyed as to why EVERYbody wanted to SAVE ELENA, Bex pronounced her the perfect hostage. But stop whining–she’ll rip off your head!

DON’T CALL AAA FOR A DEAD BATTERY

We caught up with Stef at the basement blood cooler, contemplating a snack. Seriously contemplating. Damon walked in–too busy or you wanna help with the plan? Stef thought they needed to call Bon. Gotta be a way for her to stop Esther from channeling all that power. Damon logic: A) What if she’s with Esther. B) What if she can’t cut her off. C) I don’t know how any of this stuff works. D) Neither do you. They COULD go with simple mechanics. You can’t draw power from a dead battery. Kill ‘em if it comes to that. Stef threw the bloodbag snack to Damon, who took a hit and passed it back (testing, testing). Gotta be another way. Damon did have a less diabolical plan. Voila! Dagger (for Elijah?)! Hey, they’re all linked. If one goes down, they all go down. Problem solved. Will it affect Klaus? Ironically, Klaus isn’t their current problem atm. Dagger’s lethal to any vampire who uses it. Well, Damon had a fool on standby.

EVENING PICK-UPS AND PUT DOWNS AT THE MYSTIC GRILL

The fool on the stool (and on the phone) was Ric. Oh, yeah, Klaus and Kol were still there. Drank up half the liquor in the bar and Ric’s PISSED! But wasted Originals would be easier to divide and conquer, right? Bring on the blonde distraction. Enter Caroline, poppin open her coat to expose her “assets”. Can we just take a moment to say how flawlessly gorgeous Candice Accola looked this week? Flirt monster agrees with her! Anyway, looks were exchanged with Ric as she made her way close to the bar where Kol and Klaus were tossin em back. Kol made a crass remark about Caroline–one more word and Klaus was gonna tear out Kol’s liver (while it‘s still functioning)! Oh, Caroline! Over here, dear! Join us for a drink. Thanks, but no thanks. Me and “The Girls” had enough of you last night! Klaus is smitten, again. [Can Mystic Falls not have more than one set of balls to go around, or what? We are considering a name change to Missy Whipped Falls.] Kol: She certainly looks good walking away from you! Klaus took that as a challenge and hotfooted it outa there after Car.

Outside, Klaus turned on the innocent charm. Hey, it was just a little spat, sit, talk to me! Car jabbed back for him to take himself, his expensive jewelry, his romantic drawings, and a hike! Okay, coy in action, she eventually sat down on a convenient bench with him–talk then, Buster! Klaus wanted to discuss her hopes, dreams, aspirations. Why does he always wax so poetic? Just to be clear, this 18 year old Hotpants is too smart to be seduced by the likes of a bazillion year old Casanova! That’s what he likes about her. She’s a smartass.

SALT SECRETS OF THE WITCH AND SHAMELESS

Spelltime, kiddies! In the clearing outside The Dustbunny Hutch, a giant pentagram represented the connection to magic. Drawn with salt as a symbol of the earth (Salt of the Earth?). Five torches at the star’s apexes represented the 5 remaining Original children. As the witch that cast the spell that made them vampires, Esther can reverse it. When they become human again, they can be killed (okay, that was an unexpected twist–human again?). Since they’re linked as one, psycho Finn will be the sacrificial lamb. Mom’s releasing h m from an eternity of shame. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s a gift. Finn would have made a great priest.

IF AN ORIGINAL FALLS IN THE FOREST, DOES IT MAKE A NOISE?

Inside The Grill, Kol was busy hitting on Meredith at the pool table. Meredith wasn’t buying. He likes pretty little things with sharp tongues. Ric just likes sharp things, too–dagger! Kol dropped. Bex dropped, and Elena ran (we’re still thinking Lockwood Cave connection), Finn dropped. Esther was all whoopsie, something’s wrong! Klaus got cramps, but he didn’t drop. Car shot a glance over at the bar (don‘t clue in Klaus, bimbo!)–OMG! Kol! It was a trick!

Ric dragged Kol out the back to waiting Damon and Stef. WHAM! Ric got a Klaus beat-down (undaggered Kol), and then faced-off with Damon. These two can spew testosterone with the best of them! To paraphrase:

Klaus: I shoulda killed you months ago.

Damon: Do it! Not gonna stop Esther from killing you!

Klaus: What did you say about my mother?

Us: Your mother’s so fat…….

Damon: You didn’t know I was friends with your mummy? She hates you as much as I do!

Us: Please don’t tell us you slept with Klaus’ mother!

Elijah the sane brother interceded. Not yet! They will need Damon. Cellphone in hand, Elijah wanted the tea party location or he would call Bex and have her kill Elena right now. Damon glanced at the clock in the square–wait, we got over a half hour on the timeline yet! Yeah, well, Bex would be more than happy to reach out and touch someone you love early!

Speaking of Bex, she came round from her short, ashy nap to find Elena had flown the coop. Well, even half-dead she could still track her down! Elena fled not so quietly (hell, even WE could track her). Bex caught up to her just as she found what? The Lockwood Cave? Slippery little Eel-ena escaped Bex’ grip and lunged into The Cave with the Coffin. WHAM! You little bitch! Who you callin a bitch, bitch? Sorry, no ticky no vampy! Rebekah can’t come in!

HOUSEKEEPER WANTED

Our reporter followed Meredith and Ric back to her jumbled bachelorette pad, and boy, does she need a maid, or what? Mer was patchin up Ric’s head wound and assessing possible broken ribs, courtesy of Klaus. This boy needs accident insurance bad! That’s what he gets, picking fights with guys 30 times his age! Meredith prescribed rest–Damon and Stefan are gonna take care of Elena (and how would she know this?), she was gonna take care of Ric. Yeah, how’s that workin for ya, Ric?

FLIP THE SWITCH, FLIP A COIN

[We were treated to some great Brothers Salvatore scenes this week, and this one was NO exception!] A blue Camaro convertible was spotted parked in the woods near The Slayboy/Dustbunny Hutch. The Brothers were overheard wondering if the witches were even there. It was their best guess, with only 10 minutes on the timeline! Damon suggested if they sat this one out, Ester does her thing, Klaus dies, Stef gets his revenge–what he wanted the whole time. The only collateral damage would be “Elena“. They both know she’d choose to die to save her friends. Yup (pop the “p”). If they ‘do this’ it will wreck her and she’ll hate both of them. They agree! Damon has a brilliant stupid idea. Only one of them has to actually ‘do the deed’–let’s flip a coin–in the dark. Stef thought it was an awful lot of effort for someone who pretends not to care anymore. Pot, kettle, brother! Heads I win, tails you lose!

Where did Elena find the flashlight in The Lockwood Cave? Did they leave it behind from some earlier episode? She searched for the way out, which was blocked by Bex with a gas can and a box of matches! Barbecued bloodbag, anyone? What is she doing, is she insane? Bex is so spontaneous, maybe that’s why Damon likes her! Light em up! Elena’s either gonna come out or stay in there and fry. (Where are the cave rats with weak bladders when you need them? Are coffins fireproof?) Bex enjoyed playing firebug, throwing matches at puddles of gasoline and taunting Elena, while again recording the whole incident on her phone for YouTube! [We promise this video will become important later!] Elena noted Bex still wearing The Jewel of the Vile, which belonged to the Mother with the Warped Delayed Abortion complex. So Bex ripped it off and threw it at her for a last request (we know not why). Bex struck The Last Match, but Elena knew how to work a good former-pretend-girlfriend-pity angle, and she threw everything she had at Bex. Bluff call! She said Bex wouldn’t do it, since there was still a chance she’d be alive tomorrow, and if she threw that match, it would be a total waste of perfectly good revenge! After all, isn’t that Bex’ whole motivation? Revenge? Elena pretended to like her, then stabbed her in the back–that’s why Bex slept with Damon, why she’s torturing Elena. Elena hurt her feelings! Match went out, insults got weaker. Tough act doesn’t suit Elena, but she never said she was tough–they both know she’s right. Elena went All-In and Rebekah folded!

SILENCING THE LAMBS

Inside the Pentagram of Death, Finn alerted the media that “They” were coming–NO, too soon! The moon wasn’t high enough! Esther sent Abby and Bonnie inside The Dustbunny Hutch (her mistake) and stepped into the circle with Finn–see, Elijah, Klaus, and Kol couldn’t break the circle. [Was anybody else having flashbacks to Klaus and Greta’s ritual fire circles about then?] Kol voiced what everybody was thinking–they’re stuck outside the circle while kiss-ass Finn plays sacrificial lamb–Mama says shush, Kol! Your brother knows virtue you cannot even imagine. Even Elijah was down with the confrontation. Whatever Ester thought of them, killing her own children would be an atrocity. Esther only regretted not letting them die a thousand years ago. Klaus was bored. End this mess or he’ll send Mama back to hell. Esther’s been forced to watch Klaus’ painful shenanigans for a thousand years, and Elijah’s no better! A curse on this earth stretched out over generations. If you boys came to plead for your life, she’s deaf!

Abby and Bonnie ran inside the Dustbunny Hutch, which creeped Abby out no end! Serious vibes, Bon! Yeah, well, The Spirits will protect them from The Originals, especially if they go to the basement. Bonnie tromped downstairs, but Abby heard something. Bon got to the bottom, and she heard something down there, too. Stefan! The Originals took Elena and they’re gonna kill her (so what else is new?). Bon can’t stop Esther; she’s channeling them! Stef told her if she can’t stop Esther, he’s gotta find another way. Dun, dun, dun! Whataya gonna do–even if you kill us, Esther’s channeling every witch in our ancestry. The only way to do it is cut her off–if one of you two is no longer a witch. Say what? Damon had Abby upstairs–this will only hurt a second! SNAP!

Esther felt that! Who’s got the hook-up now? You know how it is when the power goes out and you haven’t “saved” your files in a few minutes!? “Sistas! Do not abandon me!” Torches flamed up, wind blew, the outsider Mikaelson Brothers covered their heads! When the dust settled, 3 were left standing, and no Mom and Finn! The magic circle of death was broken!

Well! Rebekah told Elena she could come out now–your boys took care of the problem. Damon turned your witch-friend’s mother into a vampire (and here we thought for a commercial break that he’d just killed her)–can’t be a witch AND a vampire! BTW, Elena was right. Bex will be much more satisfied taking her time and watching Elena suffer no end. Oh, hell and her new pea coat smells like gas!

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS BLOCKED

Elena’s first stop wasn‘t at the dry cleaners, since there was another body laid to “rest” at the Bennett House. Bonnie was grieving at Abby’s bedside–Caroline told Elena at the door she wasn’t taking Elena-visitors. Abby was in transition–Bon needed some time to deal. Bonnie’s always been there for Elena, but put in Bonnie’s shoes–everything that happened was to save Elena. Again. Bon loves Elena so much, but somehow she’s always the one who gets hurt. [Do we REALLY need to send you back issues, Caroline?]

BAD BOYS FINISH FIRST

Inside the Stately Damon Bathroom (hey, it needed a name)–Damon washed his hands of the whole mess. Is she safe? Elijah kept his word (this time). Good. All’s right in the world again (um, what about Klaus?). Stef knew he lost the coin toss. Why’d Damon do it? It shoulda been Stef that turned Abby. Because Damon’s not blind–Stef’s barely over his last Rippah binge and all he wants is to go back to being Ye Olde Stef. Nope. He’s gone forever. Oh, yeah? How long has it been since Stef’s had one DROP of human blood (BUSTED!)? How’d Damon know? You don’t spend 146 years with somebody and not pick up on things. Answer the question, Stef–how long?

Since he threatened to drive Elena off Wickery Bridge. See, Stef had enough to feel guilty about, why add to the list? You’re welcome, btw. Not fooling anyone, Damon, you still love her. He does. Thought he could win fair and square–she didn’t want him. All for the best. He’s better at being the bad guy anyway. (Oh, yeah, he’s REAL good at being the bad boy!)

Elena had a note from Elijah on her bed. ‘Elena, today I did things I abhor to protect the one thing I value most. My family. If anyone can understand it, it’s you. Your compassion is a gift, Elena. Carry it with you as I will carry my regret. Always and forever, Elijah.’ [Always and forever, each moment with you…]

YOUTUBE GETS VIRAL

Rebekah returned home to find Elijah and Klaus. Forlorn expressions all around. Wha happened? It’s over, Bex. Where’s Mother? We have no Mother. Only Esther, and she was right. What did Elijah mean? All his talk of virtue. He went into kill mode. He tortured an innocent (Elena)–used Rebekah’s hatred for her to get what he wanted. He wielded her like a sword [ooh, mental images!]. Bex was defiant–stop moping, we’re better than they are! Are we? Mother made us vampires, we made ourselves monsters. Klaus was burning Caroline sketches in the fireplace. Was that a gallon of Chunky Monkey sitting on the mantle? Klaus figured Bex would have gone by now. Elijah’s leaving, Kol took off, Esther and Finn were gone too (what does that MEAN, gone?). Bex hated Klaus when she found out he committed matricide, but she finally figured it out. Klaus was the only one who never left Bex (yeah, he toted her around in a box). Quite a pair. Bex had the YouTube to show him! Lookee. Not at the bitch, look on The Cave Wall behind Elena, fool! Yeah, it’s natives worshipping at the White Oak Tree they burned to the ground, so what? Look at the native calendar in front of it…a sapling or a new tree to replace the old one survived 300 years after they fled back to The Olde World. It could kill them. It’s not over yet!

CALL CRIMESTOPPERS! DON’T APPREHEND AT HOME!

Ric woke up with a raging concussion headache on Meredith’s couch (she was in the bed, feigning sleep?). After pilfering some aspirin (or something pharmaceutical) from the cabinet, being the good history researcher he is(READ: sleepover snoop–who knew guys did this, too?), Ric started going through Meredith’s patient files laying around. Lo and behold what is this? A knife wrapped in red cloth? What can it be? Whoopsie! Here’s Meredith with a revolver! Just like Ric to bring a knife to a gunfight! You weren’t supposed to see that–BANG!

Mystic Falls Messenger: TVD Recap Episode 3.14 “Dangerous Liaisons

HISTORY TEACHER HOSPITALIZED

Alaric Saltzman spent the night in the hospital after his latest brush with death. Elena Gilbert and Matt Donovan, his rescuers, were overheard in the corridor having a boring convo regarding the health and welfare of their friends and the serious lack of suspects in The Slasher case.

Was our reporter the only one eavesdropping on this discussion? NO! A shadowy figure, described as maybe tall, possibly wearing a hoodie, was also listening and peeping out through the blinds of a darkened office. Call CRIMESTOPPERS if you‘ve seen this person of interest!

Our rescue rangers parted in the parking lot (Matty, you REALLY need some WD-40 on those truck door hinges!), with Matt only worried about showing up for his shift at The Grill. Elena neglectfully did not check the back seat of her vehicle–nor the rearview mirror, before she backed out–THUMP!

Bex the Speedbump. Bared fangs and ready to take a bite outa crime, Bex was stopped mid-revenge by her brother, Elijah. She refused to challenge him; just pronounced both he and Elena “pa-the-tick” and left. Elijah turned on the charm, wanting to play catch-up with Elena!

E-VITES ARE SO GAUCHE!

Mystic Falls socialites climbed two giant rungs up the ladder this week, with everybody scrambling for a hand-delivered, inscribed, hand-personalized invitation to The Social Event of the Year! Elena filled in Damon and Stefan on her little convo with Elijah–Mom, Original Witch Esther, was in Coffin #4, not some Klaus-killing weapon. Hmmm.

The Gilbert Kitchen was the scene for this analysis. They speculated she musta had connections in the witch community, or she’d be one of The Heartless Dead now. Elijah had related she wants to live in peace with her family, including Klaus. Well dammitall, that coffin was supposed to be the only thing stopping Klaus from tearing everybody to shreds! Anyone else feeling a little used right now? Not that he has the power to do so, but Elijah promised Elena his family wouldn’t hurt any of “us,” and she believed him. Ding dong! Avon calling. Mystery messenger with our first invite to The Party on the doorstep!

PLEASE JOIN THE MIKAELSON FAMILY THIS EVENING AT SEVEN O’CLOCK FOR DANCING, COCKTAILS, & CELEBRATION.

Stef asked who the hell the Mikaelson’s were (duh…Mikael….son…double-duh. Stef. Google Patronymic Surnames). Not bad enough they’re ruining the neighborhood, now they want a housewarming gift? Registry at Crate & Barrel (or Coffin and Cask, take your pick).

On the flip side of the invite: Elena, I think it’s time we finally meet. Esther. Nice penmanship!

Damon made up his mind that Elena’s plan to meet with Esther was dumber than a box of rocks. Always leading the opposition, Stef sided with Elena. This is more than some family reunion, elsewise why was Bonnie led to open that coffin?

Damon wanted to go back to The Old Stefan who cared if Elena lived or died–oops, that’s your job now, D. Let’s fight over the invitation! Elena can’t “protect herself”, Stef volunteered to go instead–yea, Damon reminded him he’d pissed off enough Originals to last a lifetime. “I’LL go.” Snatch! End of story. (famous last words)

Stylists descended en masse at Fortress Klaus in preparation for The Big Party. Nails, hair, tux fittings . Would Rachel Zoe do the Mikaelson’s in “vintage”? Kol and Rebekah played Bonfire of the Vanities, until Klaus came in raving at Bex for going after Elena. He could arrange for her last accessory to be a dagger–Kol was B.O.R.E.D. with that trick.

Just like siblings squabbling. Mom had to break up the bickering just before they “took it outside“ [Mom, beige doesn’t look good against your PALLOR, just sayin]. Forget dog-whispering. Klaus heeled on command! Niklaus, COME! But Ma, Bex wasn’t out of her box for A DAY before she tried to ruin my life (um, Klaus, technically you’re dead).

The Devil’s Mama had to explain to him about giving it some time (wash your feet before you make them kiss ‘em); she’d had a thousand years to get over it! Wait. He killed her and she forgives him? Forgiveness is not a chore, it’s a gift. Let’s get to the good stuff! Who’s your date? It’s going to be a “magical” *cough cough* evening!

NOTHING SAYS LOVE LIKE A VOICEMAIL

Our illegal wiretap caught Caroline receiving a voicemail at home from Tyler. “Caroline. It’s Tyler. I know I shoulda called sooner, I just kinda freaked out and left. But I heard about your dad and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Caroline. I’m out doing what he said. I’m gonna fix myself and come home to you. I love you.” What?! No chocolate-covered doggy biscuit? No candy hearts-ripped-outa-somebody’s chest? It’s almost Valentine’s Day in real-time, Tyler. Get with the program!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Box. Box who? Box O Trojans, if I get lucky! Caroline’s fancy invitation arrived on her doorstep stuck in a dress box. Ooh! Goodies! On the back of her invite: “Save me a dance. Fondly, Klaus.” She wasn’t impressed. Much. Ooh, look at that dress! Slam the lid shut!

THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL

APPETIZER: Open with Caroline and Elena nibbling on twisted Cinderella fetish, sprinkled with a little if the Salvatores don‘t know I’m going it won‘t hurt them. Drizzle with a drama-free bodyguard? Or try the optional Pick-a-Salvatore. They’d look better in a tux. (way to go, Barbie!) However, since Stef’s channeling Klaus-hate, and Damon is……no, Elena wasn’t taking the optional. Why?

SALAD: Caroline had the suck face and LAST to know accusation, via the witch-grapevine. Car knew when Elena first kissed Matty before they came up for air! Elena opted for the lame-ass wilted Dad excuse for not telling her, coupled with a side of not sure how she feels about it yet. Food choices used to be so much easier!

MAIN COURSE: Blackened Bex with a back-stabbing barb! Skip the order of no eating the locals–Get over yourself, it’s not all about you, Elena! Bex had busboy on her mind!

DESSERT: The pièce de résistance on the menu was a personally delivered Party invite to Matty. Sadie Hawkins, this is the way it’s done! And got a rise out of Caroline and Elena doing it! Okay, they’re BOTH going!

SOCIETY NEWS

The grand gala of the season was held at Fortress Klaus, complete will full-on orchestra and WAY more guests than were in our last census. All dressed to the nines (and tens, and elevens, ad infinitum)!

Mayor Carol Lockwood was in attendance to welcome the oldest, deadliest family in town…with a smile. Said fellow council-member Damon: “Well, at least you know who you’re borrowing that cup of sugar from!”

The only point of the convo was for Kol to walk up, introduce himself to the Mayor, and utterly dis Damon and ignore his extended hand. Rude!

M’Lady Elena Gilbert arrived, bedecked like Cinderella. If Damon had breath it would have been taken away. He roused and started over to her, but Stef got there first. Raspberry! Beatcha-what are you doing here-I could ask you the same thing-surprise, surprise, nice tux. Boys, boys! Elena was NOT leaving until she talked to Esther. So, shall we? Salvatoreo! Can we dip it in champagne?

Caroline was at home fighting with her closet, with The Box lurking on her bed. She caved to the pressure of designer duds and showed up at The Gala in The Dress. It was Klaus’ turn to lose his breath, and light up with “Good evening!” Car’s response? “I need a drink!” Bwahaaa! He obviously thought she was playing hard to get!

Finn introduced himself to Elena only to warn her to ditch the “friends“ if she wanted to get bad Mamma-jamma time! At this point, Elijah made a formal welcoming speech and explained the tradition for them to commence the evening with a dance. Tonight’s pick: a centuries old waltz.

By whose standards, Elijah *wink wink*? As the crowd retired to the ballroom (damn, this IS a big house!) Damon, Stefan, and Elena all spied Mom on the stairs. Damon and Elena heatedly discussed her walk into a lion’s den–he gonna stop her? Yes. Truce. It would be rude not to dance, you know.

Sneaking in with our Press Pass, we heard the opening strains of pre-Pandora orchestral music (wait, maybe it was the Original Pandora lol!) Damon told Elena she looked stunning, if it wasn’t obvious. What, this old thing? She ran over to Rethreads this afternoon and picked it off the rack (prêt-à-porter).

DANGEROUS LIAISONS MINUET

Headcount! Damon and Elena (tense). Klaus and Caroline (he‘s smitten, she‘s bored). Matt and Rebekah (awkward). Klaus tried to make small talk about Mr. Forbes’ passing–Strike One! Okay, he tried talk about how ravishing Caroline looked in that dress. She didn’t have time to go shopping–Strike Two! Well, what was her excuse for wearing the bracelet he gave her? (so smug–Ball One)

She’s quite the dancer. Well, she had training, Miss Mystic Falls and all. He knew. Swing and a miss! During this snappy repartee, Elena spun right around into Stef’s arms (who got dragged on the dance floor by Mayor Lockwood…awkward!)!

During the “change partners”, Caroline ended up with Matt. Where is the Ken-doll when you need him?! They fought about their respective “dates” (she-devil and Mad Max). Meanwhile, Stef told Elena that Damon needed to figure out she can look out for herself. Elena wanted to take the convo outside (Damon‘s ears are REEEEally good).

Damon ended up partnered with Bex (foreshadowing?). He was so busy teasing her about watching Caroline and Matt he didn’t notice Elena and Stef leave. Rebekah got all ‘Of course that heifer looks beautiful, Nick gave her everything’s she’s wearing!’ Well, she didn’t look bad herself. But that’s NOT a compliment–since she tried to kill Elena the night before. Where is Elena, btw?

Outside, Stef and Elena made the first REAL Dangerous Liaison. Elena decided if Esther’s secretly on their side, they need to know, but she can’t get to her with two bodyguards. And this Stef’s my problem because…? Because Damon won’t let her anywhere near Esther without protection. Full Body Condom! Stef’s prime mission in unlife is still killing Klaus but Elena always gets her way! She wheedled Stef into making sure she could get into that room with Esther. Alone. You know what? When they were together Stefan USED to let her make her own decisions. He trusted her. After all this, at least that hasn’t changed. Stef stared at the ground while Elena went back inside.

Kol and Rebekah chit-chatted back inside about her “date“ dancing with his ex. Ooh, settling for mortals is the first sign of weakness! Nope. Bex gon’ kill him. Matt is Elena’s friend–if he dies, she suffers. Since Bex got a hand-slap already, she begged Kol to help Baby Sista out (so Bex is younger than Kol). Spit right in the face of Mother’s rules? He’s in! Don’t you just know he dipped pigtails in ink wells, short-sheeted the beds, and peed in the pool!

Elena texted Damon to meet her in where, the Library? Whattup? And WHAM came Stefan and WHAT? Snapped Damon’s neck!? Asshat! Better hurry up. He won’t be down for long. Meaningful looks exchanged. Elena hustled butt outa there.

Another Dangerous Liaison (we lost count). Elijah cornered Elena in the hallway to discuss his misgivings about Esther‘s ability to forgive Klaus after everything he’s done. Elijah finds himself asking questions he never thought he’d ask. He wanted Elena to tell him what Esther has in mind. Of course she will (lol)! Check ya later, dude!

ESTHER’S WORLD OF WITCHCRAFT

In Esther’s witch study, Finn unsheathed yet another dagger. Mama burned incense (sage). Knock, knock. Who’s there? The girl. The girl who? The girl who’s gonna eff things up again! You’re alone! Wise choice! Mama explained to Elena she really wasn’t smoking weed, she spelled the sage so they could speak freely without fear of being overhead (except by our nosy reporter). Finn was excused like a used-tool servant (which he is).

Let’s play 20 (million) questions! How are you alive? Are you a ghost? Not exactly. When Esther died, the witch Ayanna preserved her body with a spell. A close friend and ancestor of Bonnie. So that’s why only Bonnie and her mother could open up the casket–they completed The Bennett bloodline. [Our research staff wants to know--which came first, the chicken or the egg? The witch or the Original Witch, if they’re not related? And how’d they get ethnic?] ANYWAY! Esther drew power from them, and their ancestors who were with her on The Other Side for a thousand years. Nature’s way of punishing her for turning her family into vampires. But! (there’s always a butt in these stories) There’s a way for Esther to undo the evil she created. Ooh, goodie! Esther’s gonna help the Scoobie Gang kill Klaus, right? One thing at a time, Elena. For now, she simply needed Elena’s help. (We smell a human bloodbag reference coming on!)

FOR A GOOD TIME, TAKE YOUR DATE OUTSIDE

Why in hell was Caroline outside admiring Klaus’ golden pumpkin carriage, and weren’t the mice-horses white in the fairy tale? They hadta keep the Cinderella references going. Klaus (and our roving reporter) followed her–she likes horses? She wasn’t talking till he told her why he invited her. “I fancy you.” [We know several hearts went pit-a-pat hearing that line! We predict a ringtone forthcoming.]

So hard to believe? Beautiful, strong, full of light; he enjoys her. Too bad, so sad, she’s spoken for. By Tyler. Klaus thought they were kaputsky, and Car got all pissy about the freaky sire-bond thing. Klaus waxed poetic about horses being the opposite of people. They’re loyal. Explained Mikael hunted him for ages, and the closest he ever got was the day he killed Klaus’ favorite horse. Severed it’s neck with a sword as a warning. [Did Klaus wake up with a horse head in his bed? I though we were done with ‘The Godfather’ references--the mafia sit-down was last week, and with the caskets popped Vito Salvatore can no longer threaten ‘Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.’]

Car asked if he ever considered sitting down with his dad and talking it out? Klaus told her their relationship was a teensy more complicated than Car and Bill’s. Maybe, but she let Bill go with no regrets. And to answer Klaus’ question, yes, she likes horses. But she also likes people and they actually like her, so tah-tah. And with that she turned her back on him and flounced off. You tell him, Barbie!

WARPED BIRTH CONTROL

Witch Study. We heard more backstory from Esther that we already knew (upset balance of nature, protection from werewolves, bloodthirsty for humans, no remorse, yadayadayada), all the while she was busy pouring a glass of “something”. Elena was more interested in the “how to kill Klaus”, since he’s immortal. Time, magic, and Elena’s assistance. (BAM! Human bloodbag reference.) The Ball is not a reunion, it’s a ritual gathering!

Step One required just a drop of blood from The Doppelganger. It’s essence will be in the champagne toast later on this evening. [Ewww! Could we have water, please? We just got allergic to alcohol!] Elena removed a glove, Esther pricked her finger and dribbled the blood in the glass.

Trusting little soul, huh? She coulda drawn back a nub! Mama knows her kids–she was afraid suspicious Elijah might need more persuasion. But they must all drink the toast in order to be linked as one. What do you mean linked as one? It’s the Three Musketeers Drinking Game! All for one, one for all (have you read our previous editions?)!

Klaus himself can’t be killed, but tonight’s spell links All My Children [shoutout, next week’s epi title!] together so that if one goes, they all go. Fuckery! How many times have you heard a mother say this. “I love my family but they are an abomination.” Esther betrayed nature when she created them, so now it’s her duty to kill them. Holy Matricide, Batman! Seriously late-term abortions all around!

Back at the Party, Kol cornered Rebekah, itching to kill something! She got sidetracked–but planned to meet outside in 15 with Victim Matt in tow. What’s wrong with right here on the stairs? Make a spectacle of it! Don’t be an idiot, Kol. Mother would kill you if you got blood on the new marble! See you outside.

Damon’s neck came around, and so did he. Stef had been watching over him–trademark wall slam! We haven’t gotten a good one of those in a while! (just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins! The best is yet to come!) Where the hell is Elena! These two fight SO GOOD! Hey, it was HER idea, right down to the broken neck. Ouch! Maybe Damon should stop being such a controlling dick–“Oh, I’m the problem here?”

Tableturn! You’re a liability, brother (like Stef used to be). Damon’s trying to keep her alive. Well, his emotions are getting in the way of the plan. “MY emotions! How is this even HAPPENING right now?” Maybe he cares too damn much. Slap! Snarl!

Rebekah lured Matt out to the parking lot for some “air” and insulted his truck. Hey, he thought this was a denim and diamonds affair! He offered her his letter jacket, since it went so well with her designer duds! Bex explained vampires don’t get cold. They exchanged a look, and you could tell Bex was waffling on her plan. She wanted to go back inside; enough with the fresh air. Matt followed her skeptically. Kol was ready for playtime. Curses, foiled again!

WHO’S SWAVE AND DEBONER?

Free from the Witch Study, Elena was back out in the festivities. Debonair Elijah suaved his way up to ask how his mother was? Intense. He inquired about the private convo (while retrieving flutes of *ahem* champagne from a passing servant). Mom came down the stairs and the gals made eye contact. Elena. Should Elijah be concerned about his mother’s intentions? And she LIED through her freaking teeth! Esther just wanted to apologize for trying to have Elena killed. Elijah was semi-overjoyed. So it’s true, then. She’s forgiven Klaus! Yippee! It’s true.

From her perch on the stairs, Mama made her Big Toast. “Waiters are coming around with champagne. I invite you all to join me in raising a glass. It provides me with no greater joy than to see my family back together as one. (well chosen words). I’d like to thank you all for being part of this spectacular evening. Cheers!” Kol drank, Rebekah drank, Finn Drank, Klaus drank. Elijah clinked glasses with Elena and put it to his lips, but did he swallow? Yup. Looked like it!

GALLERY OPENING AT FORTRESS KLAUS

Klaus took Caroline to show her his “etchings”. lol Still being smart-mouth, looking at all the priceless paintings, Caroline suggested “the curators at the Louvre aren’t on vervain?“ So where did Klaus steal The Bracelet from? A long story, but it was worn by another princess, almost as beautiful as Caroline. (Klaus seriously needs some new pickup lines).

Caroline saw some of Klaus’ line drawings lying around. This gave him an opportunity to brag about one of his landscapes hanging in The Hermitage, and oh, had Car been? Wistfully, Miss Mystic Falls has never really been anywhere. Jump on that! “I’ll take you. Anywhere you want. Rome, Paris, Tokyo (he’s trying SO damn hard!).” Caroline giggled. Wow. He was sellin, but she wasn’t buying!

Must be really nice for Klaus to just SNAP his fingers and get whatever he wants. Collect a little servant hybrid army to take him places and bring him things. Klaus started to get testy, but Car was on a roll. And why did he need Tyler? Give him his life back! Stick a fork in him, Klaus was done at this point.

It was a fun evening, but time for Car to leave. One more, Car! One more! She got it. His father didn’t love him, so he assumes no one else will, either. That’s why he compels people, or sires them, or else TRIES TO BUY THEM OFF (ripped off the bracelet and threw it on the floor), but that’s not how it works. “You don’t connect with people because you don’t even try to understand them.” Oh, SNAP! She coulda just kicked him in the Family Jewels!

CAUGHT AND BOTHERED

Kol caught up with Bex back inside. What happened to playtime? It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, and Bex didn’t wanna ruin Mother’s night. Kol accused Bex of going soft for 5 seconds of Matt’s attention. Don’t be so predictable! Don’t be rude! Bex ORDERED Kol to leave Matty alone. Wave the red flag in front of the bull, anyone?

Damon caught up to Elena. Well, Miss Priss, did you get what you wanted? That earned him a haughty yes reply. Good, cause we’re leaving. Scuffle. Elena told Damon she was sorry she had to cut him out of the plan. Damon was steamed. Elena shouldn’t have been there in the first place! She didn’t like going behind his back.

That was NOT helping! She pushed ALL the wrong buttons! She asked Stefan to help so Damon wouldn’t play The Hero and ruin everything! Well ExQUEEZE me for trying to keep you alive! Damon thinks Stefan clearly Stefan doesn’t give a crap anymore. Let’s eavesdrop!

Elena: Now you’re mad at me for including Stefan?

Damon: No, I’m mad at you because I love you.

Elena: Well maybe that’s the problem. [OUCH!] Wait, that’s not what I meant.

Damon: No, I got it Elena. I care too much. I’m a liability. [switch flip!] How ironic is that?

Don’t interrupt, Caroline! Have you guys seen Matt?

THE VIEW IS SO MUCH NICER FROM THE BALCONY

Well, Matt was upstairs walking the mezzanine, when he heard someone call to him. He went out on the balcony to see what it was. Kol wanted his playtime! Feigning introductions as Rebekah’s brother, Kol accepted Matty’s handshake. Don’t crush the throwing hand!

He’s the quarterback! Dun, dun, dun! Damon to the rescue! Ooh, shoved Kol off the second floor balcony and jumped down on top of him with a deathgrip head snap! Stef came running out (followed by Finn, Rebekah, Elijah, Klaus, and Elena). Damon, are you effin crazy? Maybe a little.

Damon locked eyes with Elena. Far be it from HIM to cause a problem. That was Season 1 BADASS Damon that sneered, adjusted his junk, turned, and sauntered into the dark! We’re surprised he didn’t spit just for dramatic effect ! That was so good we didn‘t even notice the David Beckham underwear advert right after!

POST PARTY CLEAN-UP

Well, Caroline made it home, and immediately left Tyler a return voicemail. “Tyler, it’s me. Look, I’m grateful for what you’re doing, but, I miss you, and I really wish you were here.” (otherwise I might end up sleeping with yet another bad boy problem child).

And in the mirror she spied ANOTHER mystery gift in a velvet box with a cream-colored bow on her bed. Seriously, just give UP already! She opened it, and it was a drawing. Her and a horse. Signed, “Thank you for your honesty. Klaus.” He’s wearin her down!

BLOODY GENEALOGY

Esther stormed back into the witch study, pissed. I said NO VIOLENCE! She ranted to Elijah about Bex and Kol being a disgrace to the family. Elijah won’t let it happen again, Mom. He‘s got this! Ah, thanks, son. Esther wished the others were more like him. (not really) Elijah left just as Finn came in.

He conspiratorially closed the door, and asked if they could still “speak freely” (as in, is the sage still working)? Esther sat down and pulled out a piece of parchment to “doodle” on while they talked. She’s not having second thoughts. It’s just Elijah being so moral. Finn told her she was doing the right thing. Mama once again explained she was binding them all together as one. Finn understood. When it’s time, he will be ready to die. I’m Spartacus! Well all righty then! Let’s complete the link. Gimme your hand, Finn, Mama wanna cut you and drizzle your blood on her doodling!

And as he bled over the words, hey, wait! It was the same names written on the Lockwood Cave wall! Anyway, Esther started Bonnie mumbling, and the blood wove it’s way up and across each of the Mikaelson sibling’s names, until it made a freaky tree! I solemnly swear I am up to no good! Poof! The link was complete, they’re one, and the parchment was about to set off the sprinkler system!

PORCH OF TRUTH

Strange things ALWAYS happen here! Stef drove Elena home since Damon took a powder. She’d told him Esther’s plan to kill the whole family. How’s that for Mother of the Year? She bemoaned having to look Elijah right in the eye and lie to him about it. And she wailed about signing their death sentences! Stefan wasn’t sorry to see ANY of them go. Klaus is the point–the rest are collateral damage. That simple. The Original family has brought Elena nothing but darkness.

The silence got awkward. So, um, Stef asked where’s Damon? Elena said she’d call and let him know she got home safely. [I’d leave a voicemail, if I were you, Elena! Lol] Damon went after Kol being all self-destructive. She said something to him she didn’t mean. Stef admitted, “so did I.”

Stef turned to leave and Elena stopped him on the Porch. Let’s talk about the baby elephant on the Porch. Did you really not feel anything, Stef? Played dumb. When? How does he do that? Elena wants to know how he acts like he doesn’t feel anything, because she CAN’T! She FEELS! EVERYTHING! He wanted her to stop.

But she’s not gonna, Stef, because she doesn’t believe you feel nothing. Here comes the emo! Stef doesn’t WANT to be this person, but he hurt her, he bit her, and he hates himself for what he did to her. Feeling the chink in his armor, Elena grabbed his face and dared him to show it–do SOMETHING! He can’t convince her he doesn’t care! He can’t.

Stefan grabbed her hands and pulled them away. “If I let myself care, all I feel is pain.” He walked away and Elena looked forlorn. Are we goin there again? To quote the ACTUAL movie ‘Dangerous Liaisons’: You’ll find the shame is like the pain, you only feel it once.

MYSTIC GRILL OPEN 24/7

Matt nursed his wounded hand with a cup of joe at the bar sans jacket and tie. And heeeeeeeere’s Rebekah! He was drowning his sorrows about not having health insurance in caffeine! She offered to buy him an apology drink. This family seriously needs some pickup lessons! Matty got pretty blunt about her just leaving him alone. She was a swell pretty date and all, but he REALLY needs her to leave him alone.

Enter Drunken, Eavesdropping Damon, swilling from an empty litre of booze. Ooh burn! Rejected by the Captain of the football team! Bex told him to SHUT UP! Welcome to adolescence. She knew she shoulda killed Matt but Mom wouldn’t let her. Thas wha happens when ya let peeps tell ya what ta do. Damon grabbed another bottle, poured them two shots, sat one in front of Bex–bottoms up! He reminded her that besides, she woulda broke him in a second. Is he suggesting Bex can’t be gentle? “I just think you should pick someone a little more durable, that’s all.” Bex gave him the eye. And who would that be? Damon gave her the eye right back. LOOK OUT! IT’S ON!

AFTER HOURS (& BEHIND CLOSED DOORS) PARTY!

[WARNING: This section for mature audiences only!] Up against the wall redneck mother! Whoa! We think we wore a hole in our DVD rewatchin this scene! It was like a replay of the Damon and Katherine almost sex makeout scene, only without the blueballs! Damon and Bex were BOTH seriously into it! Tongue-to-tongue tonsillectomy! Shed the coat, buttons popping off in all directions, fang-to-fang, suck face (neck, back, assorted body parts) up against the wall, vampspeed flip around (I’m in charge here you hussy!)! Bex with SERIOUS “O” face–screw the designer duds, RRRRRRIIIIIPPPPPP! Hey, he hasn’t had any since……ANDIE! O.M.F.G.!

WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK

Pant! Pant! He was used, pissed off, and stunning this week, but just because of that scene alone, this week’s Woobie Word of the Week is: [drum roll please] ……………………………………….DURABLE!