Mystic Falls Messenger: TVD Recap Episode 3.15 “All My Children

Mystic Falls Messenger

As the world turns around all my children, the guiding light of another world dawns on the young and the restless. Who’s hiding in our general hospital? Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives. (Sue me!) No, Toto, we’re not in Pine Valley anymore!

Editor’s note: Ruthie is trying really hard not to crash the site with too many screencaps–made all the easier this week by SO MANY DARK CAVE SCENES! Smoochies to Ruthie–she’s a trooper!

COLD FRONT SWEEPS THROUGH MYSTIC FALLS

The weather took a turn toward the icy following The Big Ball, on apparently the longest day of the year in Mystic Falls. Elena met the sun in bed (with mini-Woobie, we might add) after an obviously fitful night. Desperate for worship, her first phone call was to Stefan, who was up writing in his DIARY? [We thought they’d done away with those.] Stef ignored her straight to voicemail (I‘m having a heat wave for your brother but I HAVE to talk you since our little heart-to-heart on The Porch of Truth). It’s getting COLD up in here! The sloppy second call went to Damon–ah, Bex was in bed with the Big Woobie! What?! I‘m busy getting (READ: getting busy) over you with your worst enemy; don‘t call here again! Click. Wrong move, Elena. Guess you need to find a new phone-sex buddy! Ten calls is not enough!

Elena got dressed and stomped over to Stately Salvatore Manor. Just in time to catch Bex being escorted to the door by half-naked Damon. They were agreeing on their sleepover being no big, but Rebekah expected to at least get a second date out of it. Don’t hold your breath, and don‘t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. ELENA-BUSTED! Bex looked like she just put another notch in her garter belt. Damon looked busted. Elena looked…..incredulous. Brrrr! It’s sleeting daggers!

ADVERTISEMENT

Eager Beaver’s Tailors. You rend it, we mend it. We Make House Calls.

DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

In a futile attempt to not stare at Damon while he put his shirt on, Elena figured SURELY Damon was off this vervain and compelled to ravage Bex. Don’t call him Shirley, he wasn’t compelled, he’ll have a little bourbon breakfast of champions, and maybe it’s NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, ELENA! Moving right along! Elena filled him in on the great and wonderful Esther plan linking all the Originals, since he missed it by whoring around! Winna, winna, chicken dinna! Maybe Elena tried to work the jealousy angle here–she didn’t want ALL of them dead, what about her fave, Elijah? Oh, and maybe Damon might actually care about the wench he just defiled? [This could turn out to be Damon’s best undiabolical strategy to-date--Elena was actually acting jealous! And he drunk-stumbled into it!] Hold up! Two seconds ago Elena was pissed that Rebekah attacked her 48 hours earlier. It’s a win-win. Frown. Don’t do anything to screw this up, Elena. Stef snuck in; he was always such an eavesdropper. Damon’s right, you know. Klaus has to die. They all do. Democracy in action. Two against one! Elena barged past Damon in a huff, spilling his drink on the way to the door. She didn’t like being outvoted in this majority rules!

SCANDALOUS STRUMPET OUT ALL NIGHT

Our Society Column recounts the remnants of The Big Ball. Rebekah arrived home THE NEXT MORNING to the heckling of Kol. Klaus tried to stay out of the fray, sketching creepy crush-boy drawings of Caroline and horses (Ewww! He‘s worse than a GIRL!). At least The Strumpet‘s having fun! Kol wanted to go have fun, but not alone (what’s up with these clingy Originals?). He guilted Nik into going with him (hey, you daggered me in the heart, you owe me a good time!) Coerced into day drinking–Klaus didn’t get enough booze at the party, what with Kol trying to murder Bex’ human date and all. Bex practically threw them out (This house has enough men rolling around in it!), but not without one last Kol parting shot (Just like you, Bekkah!) Good riddance.

Unlike his crass brothers, Elijah came in to discuss his worries about Esther’s strange behavior with Bex. She totally defended Mom’s position. You try being dead for a thousand years and you’d be strange, too! Elijah pondered the burned sage from Esther’s privacy spell, whist Bex suggested he ask Mama’s little pet Finn what was up? Elijah doesn’t trust Finn (smart vamp), since he always hated what they are. Rebekah’s so EASY–she thinks Mom returned for one reason, to make the family whole. She loves them. What trouble is Elijah looking to find? (Don’t ask the question if you can’t stand the dot, dot, dot)

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE GIGOLO

Not really, but made ya look, didn’t we? We’re saving up our exposé on the Bennett family until all the facts are in–like how come all the females have the same last name, where’s Bonnie’s dad/what is HIS last name, and who’s house is Bonnie living in? Bonnie tried to duplicate the sage privacy spell in her bedroom while Elena carried on-and-on about Damon being proud of his romp with Bex. Can you hear me now? Yes, not only could our reporter eavesdrop from outside, but Caroline heard from the hall–no, it’s NOT working, she heard all about Damon the Vampire Gigolo. Bonnie went all “you brought this whack-job spell in here“–we need more (cowbell) smoke! Car went back out to “check” if more smoke was working. Oh, and if Elena was done ranting, she might be interested to know Ester came to visit that morning. Um, Elena’s been venting about Damon and Bonnie forgot to say this because? No worries. Esther wanted to [suck off more power] politely introduce herself, since the Bennett Babes brought her back. Ooh, nasty, can’t Bonnie stop that channeling crap? Like, why? Elena’s guilty conscience Before the Sun and Moon Farce, Elijah found a way to keep her alive. Now the tables are turned and she’s gonna let him die? Doesn’t feel right. Car barged back in. She can STILL hear them! And hey, ELENA’s not doing this. Esther is! Bonnie let them know it was a full moon (what, no calendars?), and Elijah‘s minutes were numbered. We thought Esther said this was going to take TIME, but what‘s a day, give or take? Celestial event, harness energy, Abby invited Bon-Abby to the party! Yays! They totes got snubbed for The Ball!

FAULTLINE REPORTED AT STATELY SALVATORE MANOR

Damon’s ego was busy suckin all the air out of the room (Lord, we’ve missed that!) when he offered Stef a pre-victory toast of 98.6. Extra broody Stef suggested they wait till Klaus was dead maybe? (Ignore) High-five at the way we stood up to Elena! Team Salvatore of the Unwhipped! Musta driven her nuts. Maybe somebody should talk to her so she doesn’t screw things up (as usual). She won’t listen to Damon–possibly the little sleepover pissed her off? Not his fault she got jealous. Oh, yeah, 100% his fault given his choice of wench. Get over it, already! Damon did his bro a favor, now Stef can come in and reclaim what was once his. Martyr Stefan echoed Klaus’ thought that Elena’s better off without BOTH of them. Fine. Neither one of them gets her. Just make sure she doesn’t screw with Esther’s plan. Smacked down one of the tumblers of blood on the end table. Stef eyed it longingly.

EXPLETIVE DELETED–THE WOODSY OWL REPORT

Sometime later in The Day, Elena received a gentleman intruder. Knock, knock. Who’s there? The Suit. The Suit who? The Suit of Shame On You for lying to me! Elijah came to invite Elena to “take a ride” out into the woods. Seen stopping at an undisclosed remote destination, Elena made small talk but it’s history lesson time! We all know how Elijah luuuves to retell history! Her school was built over an Indian village (wait, when did Indians come into this?): saw his first werewolf, Klaus got wild horses to pose nekkid for him, natives worshipped where The Town Square is. Ain’t that incredible? No, it’s boring. Here was the REAL interesting place. A cavern below that boy-Elijah used to play in connected to a system of tunnels. (Woodsy Owl smelled a Lockwood Cave somewhere–owls are smart like that.) The caverns were Nature’s way of providing the Mikaelson’s with shelter against the savagery of the full moon (i.e. werewolves). Elena got nervous and said she should probs go home. Let’s be TOO COOL about being ruthless, Elijah! He admired and valued her lack of deceit and yet, oopsie! SHE LIED TO HIS FACE ABOUT MOM‘S MOTIVES! Mumble, mumble, excuse, excuse–he can hear her heart jump when she lies. Like right now. TRUTH! And they’re not even on The Porch! Elena backpedaled, never wanted this to happen, thought whatever was in the coffin was the Klaus-Killer, and instead it was Esther, yadayadayada. Elena had thought Esther was gonna help find a way to kill Klaus. But Elijah was WAY ahead of her–not just Klaus that she wanted to kill. She wants to kill them all, doesn’t she? Elijah actually mouthed the word F#@K! Elena wished there was something she could do to help. Be careful what you wish for! Elijah stomped a hole in the roof of the cavern, grabbed Elena, and jumped! First Floor–NOT Ladies’ Lingerie! Elijah abandoned Elena with her cell–no, we can’t hear you now because you get NO CELL signal down in that abyss!

THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL

Damon got worried that he hadn‘t heard from Elena since she slopped his drink all over him in a huff. He called Ric, who was, of course, holding up the bar at The Grill. Ric hadn’t seen Elena since morning, when she ratted out Damon’s Original Sexcapades. Can that girl not keep her mouth shut? (we’re saving front page space for her tell-all.) Hey it was “hard” for her not to tell. While she was spilling, did she also tell Ric she was having an attack of conscience about the whole Original Murder thing? Ric was NOT gonna judge her for having a conscience. Well, don’t have to. Just tie her up or lock her in her room till this is all over! Ric wouldn‘t if he could, and he can‘t, he’s busy. With sexy psycho doctor? Nunya. Buh-bye. Just then Damon spied the undrunk tumbler of blood he strategically left to tempt Stefan. Untouched. Suspicious?

Yup, Meredith was day drinking between rounds with Ric, again. Does Damon still think she’s a serial killer? He’s a little judgmental. Isn’t everybody? Subject change. Ric’s conveniently handy medical chart x-rays were inconclusive. Since he heals so damn fast, Meredith couldn’t tell if the attacker was tall, short, left or right-handed, nada. And his CT scan was clear, he sure he can’t remember anything? Maybe there’s a reason. Maybe he was…….COMPELLED! Wait, Meredith thinks The Slasher is a vampire? Well, it’s the only assumption left. You know what they say about assumptions. Speaking of asses, Klaus and Kol sidled up to the bar to defend the New Kids On The Block–don’t look at us if you’ve got a Serial Killer problem! We’re just letting off some steam (while Kol’s making steamy eyes at Meredith).

MANIFEST DESTINY?

The Bennett Babes walked to the tea party with Esther & Son at The Slayboy Mansion/Dust Bunny Hutch. Abby was overheard wondering what Grams would say. She’d say ‘What in HELL are you two doin getting mixed up in vampire shit again!?’ Magnamanous welcome by Ester, with compliments all around. Finn just looked creepy, as usual. Why are they here? Oh, and thanks for the invite to The Ball, it was a GAS (not)! As the descendants of Ayanna, Esther’s bff forever, she channels their entire bloodline, living and dead, but it’s hard to maintain. That’s why she needs them–they are the bloodline made manifest. ‘Tonight, my sistas, we shall bring peace to the spirits of nature that we serve and for that, I thank you.

CLAN OF THE CAVE BITCH

Elena tried to investigate her surroundings lookin for a way out. Well, hell no, Bex is down there guarding her! And she was NOT in the mood to gloat about how good Damon was in the sack (if we remember correctly, Elena’s been TOLD this before *ahem Bree*). If Elena tried to run, Bex got to kill her! Goodie!

REPORTED FAULTLINE REALLY A TIMELINE

Stef went out looking for Elena, and came home to find Elijah warming his cheeks in front of the Stately Salvatore Fireplace (that has it’s own Twitter account, btw! We attempted to get it to put down a bearskin rug, but The Fireplace complained that the bros were always getting bloodstains on it!). We digress. Damon informed Stef that Elijah had Elena. He’s got his thong in a wad, actually she’s with Rebekah. [CATFIGHT!] If The Salvabros wanna [keep Bex from ripping her throat out] save her life, they have to help stop Esther. Damon was embarrassed to admit he’s a little rusty at killing thousand year old resurrected witches. Unfortunately, even when killed, Mom doesn’t want to STAY dead. Plan B? The witches that released Esther (Bon and Abby), she’s drawing power from their bloodline. It needs to be broken. As in curtains! Elijah would do it himself, but he [doesn’t have thumbs] didn’t know where they were. Besides, they’d know if they saw Elijah comin–but those two fools? In any case, they have until 6 minutes after 9 to find them. Synchronize your watches! Because at 9:07 the moon will be full, Mom will be all juiced up, and Elijah’s family dies. If The Bros don’t stop her before then, Rebekah will kill Elena. We all had our timeline, tick tock!

4G CELL SERVICE EXTENDED

Bex, all caught up on technology, took a cell hostage-vid of Elena to inspire The Boyfriends to rescue her. Because SHE had the unlimited data plan and the 4G coverage (that’s why Elena’s phone didn’t work!) Come on, Elena, give us a few bars of ‘stuck in a hole with your biggest fan’! Bex couldn’t decide what she wanted more. To find out the family’s saved or that she had the green light to rip off Elena’s head. Elena tried begging–it wasn’t her fault! Both gals wanted to get rid of Klaus, she didn’t know Esther was demented! Shut up, you cow! Bex had no desire to spend her last few hours of life (?) with a literal back-stabber! Completely annoyed as to why EVERYbody wanted to SAVE ELENA, Bex pronounced her the perfect hostage. But stop whining–she’ll rip off your head!

DON’T CALL AAA FOR A DEAD BATTERY

We caught up with Stef at the basement blood cooler, contemplating a snack. Seriously contemplating. Damon walked in–too busy or you wanna help with the plan? Stef thought they needed to call Bon. Gotta be a way for her to stop Esther from channeling all that power. Damon logic: A) What if she’s with Esther. B) What if she can’t cut her off. C) I don’t know how any of this stuff works. D) Neither do you. They COULD go with simple mechanics. You can’t draw power from a dead battery. Kill ‘em if it comes to that. Stef threw the bloodbag snack to Damon, who took a hit and passed it back (testing, testing). Gotta be another way. Damon did have a less diabolical plan. Voila! Dagger (for Elijah?)! Hey, they’re all linked. If one goes down, they all go down. Problem solved. Will it affect Klaus? Ironically, Klaus isn’t their current problem atm. Dagger’s lethal to any vampire who uses it. Well, Damon had a fool on standby.

EVENING PICK-UPS AND PUT DOWNS AT THE MYSTIC GRILL

The fool on the stool (and on the phone) was Ric. Oh, yeah, Klaus and Kol were still there. Drank up half the liquor in the bar and Ric’s PISSED! But wasted Originals would be easier to divide and conquer, right? Bring on the blonde distraction. Enter Caroline, poppin open her coat to expose her “assets”. Can we just take a moment to say how flawlessly gorgeous Candice Accola looked this week? Flirt monster agrees with her! Anyway, looks were exchanged with Ric as she made her way close to the bar where Kol and Klaus were tossin em back. Kol made a crass remark about Caroline–one more word and Klaus was gonna tear out Kol’s liver (while it‘s still functioning)! Oh, Caroline! Over here, dear! Join us for a drink. Thanks, but no thanks. Me and “The Girls” had enough of you last night! Klaus is smitten, again. [Can Mystic Falls not have more than one set of balls to go around, or what? We are considering a name change to Missy Whipped Falls.] Kol: She certainly looks good walking away from you! Klaus took that as a challenge and hotfooted it outa there after Car.

Outside, Klaus turned on the innocent charm. Hey, it was just a little spat, sit, talk to me! Car jabbed back for him to take himself, his expensive jewelry, his romantic drawings, and a hike! Okay, coy in action, she eventually sat down on a convenient bench with him–talk then, Buster! Klaus wanted to discuss her hopes, dreams, aspirations. Why does he always wax so poetic? Just to be clear, this 18 year old Hotpants is too smart to be seduced by the likes of a bazillion year old Casanova! That’s what he likes about her. She’s a smartass.

SALT SECRETS OF THE WITCH AND SHAMELESS

Spelltime, kiddies! In the clearing outside The Dustbunny Hutch, a giant pentagram represented the connection to magic. Drawn with salt as a symbol of the earth (Salt of the Earth?). Five torches at the star’s apexes represented the 5 remaining Original children. As the witch that cast the spell that made them vampires, Esther can reverse it. When they become human again, they can be killed (okay, that was an unexpected twist–human again?). Since they’re linked as one, psycho Finn will be the sacrificial lamb. Mom’s releasing h m from an eternity of shame. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s a gift. Finn would have made a great priest.

IF AN ORIGINAL FALLS IN THE FOREST, DOES IT MAKE A NOISE?

Inside The Grill, Kol was busy hitting on Meredith at the pool table. Meredith wasn’t buying. He likes pretty little things with sharp tongues. Ric just likes sharp things, too–dagger! Kol dropped. Bex dropped, and Elena ran (we’re still thinking Lockwood Cave connection), Finn dropped. Esther was all whoopsie, something’s wrong! Klaus got cramps, but he didn’t drop. Car shot a glance over at the bar (don‘t clue in Klaus, bimbo!)–OMG! Kol! It was a trick!

Ric dragged Kol out the back to waiting Damon and Stef. WHAM! Ric got a Klaus beat-down (undaggered Kol), and then faced-off with Damon. These two can spew testosterone with the best of them! To paraphrase:

Klaus: I shoulda killed you months ago.

Damon: Do it! Not gonna stop Esther from killing you!

Klaus: What did you say about my mother?

Us: Your mother’s so fat…….

Damon: You didn’t know I was friends with your mummy? She hates you as much as I do!

Us: Please don’t tell us you slept with Klaus’ mother!

Elijah the sane brother interceded. Not yet! They will need Damon. Cellphone in hand, Elijah wanted the tea party location or he would call Bex and have her kill Elena right now. Damon glanced at the clock in the square–wait, we got over a half hour on the timeline yet! Yeah, well, Bex would be more than happy to reach out and touch someone you love early!

Speaking of Bex, she came round from her short, ashy nap to find Elena had flown the coop. Well, even half-dead she could still track her down! Elena fled not so quietly (hell, even WE could track her). Bex caught up to her just as she found what? The Lockwood Cave? Slippery little Eel-ena escaped Bex’ grip and lunged into The Cave with the Coffin. WHAM! You little bitch! Who you callin a bitch, bitch? Sorry, no ticky no vampy! Rebekah can’t come in!

HOUSEKEEPER WANTED

Our reporter followed Meredith and Ric back to her jumbled bachelorette pad, and boy, does she need a maid, or what? Mer was patchin up Ric’s head wound and assessing possible broken ribs, courtesy of Klaus. This boy needs accident insurance bad! That’s what he gets, picking fights with guys 30 times his age! Meredith prescribed rest–Damon and Stefan are gonna take care of Elena (and how would she know this?), she was gonna take care of Ric. Yeah, how’s that workin for ya, Ric?

FLIP THE SWITCH, FLIP A COIN

[We were treated to some great Brothers Salvatore scenes this week, and this one was NO exception!] A blue Camaro convertible was spotted parked in the woods near The Slayboy/Dustbunny Hutch. The Brothers were overheard wondering if the witches were even there. It was their best guess, with only 10 minutes on the timeline! Damon suggested if they sat this one out, Ester does her thing, Klaus dies, Stef gets his revenge–what he wanted the whole time. The only collateral damage would be “Elena“. They both know she’d choose to die to save her friends. Yup (pop the “p”). If they ‘do this’ it will wreck her and she’ll hate both of them. They agree! Damon has a brilliant stupid idea. Only one of them has to actually ‘do the deed’–let’s flip a coin–in the dark. Stef thought it was an awful lot of effort for someone who pretends not to care anymore. Pot, kettle, brother! Heads I win, tails you lose!

Where did Elena find the flashlight in The Lockwood Cave? Did they leave it behind from some earlier episode? She searched for the way out, which was blocked by Bex with a gas can and a box of matches! Barbecued bloodbag, anyone? What is she doing, is she insane? Bex is so spontaneous, maybe that’s why Damon likes her! Light em up! Elena’s either gonna come out or stay in there and fry. (Where are the cave rats with weak bladders when you need them? Are coffins fireproof?) Bex enjoyed playing firebug, throwing matches at puddles of gasoline and taunting Elena, while again recording the whole incident on her phone for YouTube! [We promise this video will become important later!] Elena noted Bex still wearing The Jewel of the Vile, which belonged to the Mother with the Warped Delayed Abortion complex. So Bex ripped it off and threw it at her for a last request (we know not why). Bex struck The Last Match, but Elena knew how to work a good former-pretend-girlfriend-pity angle, and she threw everything she had at Bex. Bluff call! She said Bex wouldn’t do it, since there was still a chance she’d be alive tomorrow, and if she threw that match, it would be a total waste of perfectly good revenge! After all, isn’t that Bex’ whole motivation? Revenge? Elena pretended to like her, then stabbed her in the back–that’s why Bex slept with Damon, why she’s torturing Elena. Elena hurt her feelings! Match went out, insults got weaker. Tough act doesn’t suit Elena, but she never said she was tough–they both know she’s right. Elena went All-In and Rebekah folded!

SILENCING THE LAMBS

Inside the Pentagram of Death, Finn alerted the media that “They” were coming–NO, too soon! The moon wasn’t high enough! Esther sent Abby and Bonnie inside The Dustbunny Hutch (her mistake) and stepped into the circle with Finn–see, Elijah, Klaus, and Kol couldn’t break the circle. [Was anybody else having flashbacks to Klaus and Greta’s ritual fire circles about then?] Kol voiced what everybody was thinking–they’re stuck outside the circle while kiss-ass Finn plays sacrificial lamb–Mama says shush, Kol! Your brother knows virtue you cannot even imagine. Even Elijah was down with the confrontation. Whatever Ester thought of them, killing her own children would be an atrocity. Esther only regretted not letting them die a thousand years ago. Klaus was bored. End this mess or he’ll send Mama back to hell. Esther’s been forced to watch Klaus’ painful shenanigans for a thousand years, and Elijah’s no better! A curse on this earth stretched out over generations. If you boys came to plead for your life, she’s deaf!

Abby and Bonnie ran inside the Dustbunny Hutch, which creeped Abby out no end! Serious vibes, Bon! Yeah, well, The Spirits will protect them from The Originals, especially if they go to the basement. Bonnie tromped downstairs, but Abby heard something. Bon got to the bottom, and she heard something down there, too. Stefan! The Originals took Elena and they’re gonna kill her (so what else is new?). Bon can’t stop Esther; she’s channeling them! Stef told her if she can’t stop Esther, he’s gotta find another way. Dun, dun, dun! Whataya gonna do–even if you kill us, Esther’s channeling every witch in our ancestry. The only way to do it is cut her off–if one of you two is no longer a witch. Say what? Damon had Abby upstairs–this will only hurt a second! SNAP!

Esther felt that! Who’s got the hook-up now? You know how it is when the power goes out and you haven’t “saved” your files in a few minutes!? “Sistas! Do not abandon me!” Torches flamed up, wind blew, the outsider Mikaelson Brothers covered their heads! When the dust settled, 3 were left standing, and no Mom and Finn! The magic circle of death was broken!

Well! Rebekah told Elena she could come out now–your boys took care of the problem. Damon turned your witch-friend’s mother into a vampire (and here we thought for a commercial break that he’d just killed her)–can’t be a witch AND a vampire! BTW, Elena was right. Bex will be much more satisfied taking her time and watching Elena suffer no end. Oh, hell and her new pea coat smells like gas!

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS BLOCKED

Elena’s first stop wasn‘t at the dry cleaners, since there was another body laid to “rest” at the Bennett House. Bonnie was grieving at Abby’s bedside–Caroline told Elena at the door she wasn’t taking Elena-visitors. Abby was in transition–Bon needed some time to deal. Bonnie’s always been there for Elena, but put in Bonnie’s shoes–everything that happened was to save Elena. Again. Bon loves Elena so much, but somehow she’s always the one who gets hurt. [Do we REALLY need to send you back issues, Caroline?]

BAD BOYS FINISH FIRST

Inside the Stately Damon Bathroom (hey, it needed a name)–Damon washed his hands of the whole mess. Is she safe? Elijah kept his word (this time). Good. All’s right in the world again (um, what about Klaus?). Stef knew he lost the coin toss. Why’d Damon do it? It shoulda been Stef that turned Abby. Because Damon’s not blind–Stef’s barely over his last Rippah binge and all he wants is to go back to being Ye Olde Stef. Nope. He’s gone forever. Oh, yeah? How long has it been since Stef’s had one DROP of human blood (BUSTED!)? How’d Damon know? You don’t spend 146 years with somebody and not pick up on things. Answer the question, Stef–how long?

Since he threatened to drive Elena off Wickery Bridge. See, Stef had enough to feel guilty about, why add to the list? You’re welcome, btw. Not fooling anyone, Damon, you still love her. He does. Thought he could win fair and square–she didn’t want him. All for the best. He’s better at being the bad guy anyway. (Oh, yeah, he’s REAL good at being the bad boy!)

Elena had a note from Elijah on her bed. ‘Elena, today I did things I abhor to protect the one thing I value most. My family. If anyone can understand it, it’s you. Your compassion is a gift, Elena. Carry it with you as I will carry my regret. Always and forever, Elijah.’ [Always and forever, each moment with you…]

YOUTUBE GETS VIRAL

Rebekah returned home to find Elijah and Klaus. Forlorn expressions all around. Wha happened? It’s over, Bex. Where’s Mother? We have no Mother. Only Esther, and she was right. What did Elijah mean? All his talk of virtue. He went into kill mode. He tortured an innocent (Elena)–used Rebekah’s hatred for her to get what he wanted. He wielded her like a sword [ooh, mental images!]. Bex was defiant–stop moping, we’re better than they are! Are we? Mother made us vampires, we made ourselves monsters. Klaus was burning Caroline sketches in the fireplace. Was that a gallon of Chunky Monkey sitting on the mantle? Klaus figured Bex would have gone by now. Elijah’s leaving, Kol took off, Esther and Finn were gone too (what does that MEAN, gone?). Bex hated Klaus when she found out he committed matricide, but she finally figured it out. Klaus was the only one who never left Bex (yeah, he toted her around in a box). Quite a pair. Bex had the YouTube to show him! Lookee. Not at the bitch, look on The Cave Wall behind Elena, fool! Yeah, it’s natives worshipping at the White Oak Tree they burned to the ground, so what? Look at the native calendar in front of it…a sapling or a new tree to replace the old one survived 300 years after they fled back to The Olde World. It could kill them. It’s not over yet!

CALL CRIMESTOPPERS! DON’T APPREHEND AT HOME!

Ric woke up with a raging concussion headache on Meredith’s couch (she was in the bed, feigning sleep?). After pilfering some aspirin (or something pharmaceutical) from the cabinet, being the good history researcher he is(READ: sleepover snoop–who knew guys did this, too?), Ric started going through Meredith’s patient files laying around. Lo and behold what is this? A knife wrapped in red cloth? What can it be? Whoopsie! Here’s Meredith with a revolver! Just like Ric to bring a knife to a gunfight! You weren’t supposed to see that–BANG!