Mystic Falls Messenger
A highly opinionated publication…Most small towns have a newspaper that is a glorified gossip rag. This is one of those rags!
Editor’s note: Special thanks, as always, go out to Ruthie for the spectacular screen caps!
NEW BUSINESS NEWS
Two new businesses opened this week in our little berg, and they BOTH happen to be wake-up services! We fear that the Katherine wake-up call may go out with Pay phones (seriously, when was the last time you saw a pay phone ANYWHERE?), especially since she doesn’t get a call in to Damon before he has his first [cup of coffee] slug of whiskey? Even if she does provide accurate missing brother reports. There’s some REASON she’s telling the truth now? Hmmm.
However, the SECOND hot new service? LADIES! Make your reservations fast for the personalized Damon-in-the-bed wake-up booty call! Complete with snarky suggestive one-liners. Management would prefer that you NOT get all pissy like Elena did but RIP OFF THE SHIRT!
TRAVEL SECTION
Pack judiciously for a loooooooooooong road trip to Chicago (how many miles by car IS that, about 700 miles one way?–are we there yet?), and don’t forget to let your un-boyfriend pack your RED unmentionables while he’s NOT mentioning how he knows his brother is visiting OPRAH.
And just to pass all that TIME in the car, why not take a little light reading? Damon brought Stefan’s diary (ahem, maybe journal would be more appropriate for a guy) to amuse Elena with. Apparently this is the 1920s-1930s VOLUME, because wouldn’t 162 years of journaling take up WAY more room in longhand?
TRAVEL GAMES: Instead of playing the Alphabet Game on those long road trips, Damon showed Elena the very latest in amusing time-passers! Let’s read Stef’s diary about his past vampire conquests in all their lurid detail! Doesn’t every girl in town want to know their antique boyfriend wasn’t a virgin? Or didn’t even know where he was when he woke up? Eyes on the road, Grandma!
WINDY CITY TRAVELOGUE
The Man of a Thousand Names (Lord Niklaus, Klaus, Nick, Asshole) and Rippah Stefan were spotted this week visiting a VERY OLD Chicago bar with a VERY OLD witch proprietor named Gloria (who apparently could make a fortune selling anti-aging formulas on the internet). It was reported that there were several reasons for this visit, 1) to remind Stefan of his Good Ole’ Ripper Days, and more importantly, 2) “enlist” Gloria’s help in finding out why Klaus can’t “make babies”. Has anyone explained the birds and the bees to Mr. Klaus? Or the hybrids and the doppelgangers?
NOT-SO-HOT REAL ESTATE
Looking for a new pad? Look no further! Damon and Elena check out the Stefan’s Second Personality Home–the latest in dusty old bachelor-vamp hangouts, just around the corner from what used to be a [probably mostly empty] girls school. Ewwww! I wonder how many hundred years it’s been since the sheets were changed? Or why the suddenly empty girls school didn’t make the serial killers of all time list?
Nevertheless, this dump comes complete with a fully stocked hidden bar, and a list of victims’ names on the wall–’LEST WE FORGET! Must come after the feed-blackout-putembacktogether phase…leave an admission of guilt that you can revisit at your leisure [pain]!
WORST LAID PLAN OF THE WEEK
It was proven this week that you should never, under any circumstances, be left behind when on a mission. Regardless if you’ve been told “STAY” by a man strong enough to break off the door handle to get in the dump but DUMB enough to tell Elena to come up with a plan to get Stefan back (her plans ALWAYS fail!).
FUN AND GAMES
NEWSFLASH! Child Protective Services has been valiantly searching for the new gaming parlor hidden somewhere beneath Mystic Falls. Complete with it’s own vervain ventilation system, iron chair of death, and chain-activated sunroof! After the disappearance of Caroline Forbes, it was learned that her seriously sexually frustrated interventionist Daddy Bill was holding her for “reconditioning”! Is he an idiot, or what?! Anybody that ever lived in Mystic Falls knows you can’t CURE a vampire (at least the writers haven’t come up with a way “yet”). And what technique! First Volumized UV rays (with NO SPF for Caroline, I might add) alternated with…
Waving a tasty beverage under her nose! Where’d he get that blood bag, anyway? Has Wild Bill Forbes broken into the Salvatore’s stash of soccer mom while they’re out of town? Call the Police! Oh, wait…
HI-HO SILVER! THE LONE WOLF RANGER Tyler and his armed side-kick Tonto Liz arrived at Caroline’s Dark Nightest hour. Well, the sun had gone down for the night and “Dad” needed to catch the evening gay news. Tonto Liz tried to reason with her ex-gay-husband, because “she’s our daughter”! Well that was an EPIC FAIL! Soooo, she shoots at him (well, maybe she just winged him, but you get the drift).
In rushed The Lone Wolf to break “the chains that bind”, and created a pretty nifty metaphor for proposing when he, on one knee, retrieved Caroline’s daylight ring from the floor and placed it back on her finger. Awwww!
This touching re-uniting of lost Moms and lost supe-loves was tearfully played out with Tonto Liz feeding our own Vampire Barbie [ick-Liz, what has happened to you?] a blood bag to help her heal her [sunburn] wounds. Apparently it wasn’t too salty, either!
Liz lost a couple of points by trying to justify Dad’s kinky behavior, but promptly SCORED by leaving Caroline and Tyler alone in the Barbie dreamhouse bed (what has this town come to?) But, they only shared a cuddle and some “my dad hates me” camaraderie…maybe.
MEANWHILE…BACK IN CHICAGO
The DIEnamic Duo of the Damned Klaus and Stefan were overheard discussing the pitfalls of Hybrid-making with Gloria the Ancient. She reportedly told them the ONLY way to find out what was wrong with the hybrid recipe was to find the DEAD Original Witch that cursed Klaus. Since our readers are TOTES clued in as to why it didn’t work, a mighty roar goes up for her to SHUT UP! She continued with instructions to find yet another missing person–Rebekah of Bloodybrook Farm, who is essential in uncovering the mystery! Who the hell is Rebekah?
Since this is the only two-bit gin-joint in town that Stef only vaguely remembers, he made a round of hooch for he and his new best bud when lo and behold! What is this picture (tintype?) of the DIEnamic Duo from 1920 behind the bar? They knew each other WHEN?
BACK IN THE GOOD OLE’ DAYS
HANG ONTO YOUR SPATS! LET’S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN! In a scene reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter, Stefan took making-out in the rumble-seat to a whole ‘nuther level! And take your *ahem* date’s flower for a boutonniere?
FASHION TIDBIT
Rent your tuxedo today from Al’s Formal Wear! Colormatch any bridesmaid dress from any store—as long as it’s Blood Red! And ladies, don’t forget to pick up your Jewel of the Vile!
PROHIBITION MAKES A COMEBACK!
Rouge your knees and roll your stockings down–Cocky Rippah Douche Stefan shows off his Damon moves! Stefan was apparently a “fixture” at (not now as old) Gloria’s–rating his very own introduction by the Witch-Hostess. Shy Stefan? Who knew he could be such a rogue?
Enter beautiful blonde tease that immediately caught The Rippah’s attention–not just because she was a vampire (the VAMP EYES were a “dead” giveaway), but also because they engaged in the same sort of sexually-charged banter Stef’s present-day GF and his bro have on a DAILY basis!
JEWEL OF THE VILE
VERVAIN NECKLACE IS THE NEW MOONSTONE! Nothing in this town (or any other in our reporting) is without hidden meaning, magical power, and we must constantly have something EVERYBODY wants to hide/search for/lose. And it was spotted around the neck of Stef‘s new Original squeeze.
Did we mention that Rebekah is part of the Original Family Feud! Once Klaus (Nick–guess it fit better with the whole Lucky, Babyface, Bugsy, etc. crowd) decided he and his sister BOTH wanted Stefan (okay, now even the writers are making fun of people’s hair–these are Our Heroes–BACK OFF THEIR HAIR ALREADY *sorry*) it was one big happy family.
BACK IN THE OLDER GOOD OLE’ DAYS Rebekah fessed up that the Original Family Feud ended up with the Klaus Kollection of Koffins and U-Store it. No deets on why the now-daggered siblings had to choose sides (can we guess?), but it is surmised that Rebekah and Elijah got to play LOTS longer than their relatives!
And in PRESENT DAY, can we say PulledTheDaggerOut (apologies to the Elijah fans out there, it was Rebekah–since she served a purpose–damn that Vampire Ambien, she didn’t wake up fast enough!) Oh, and by the way, Stef doesn’t recognize her AT ALL!
Sorry for the flashback forward, but that’s how this report went! In The Prohibition Bar of Vamps, to “prove” himself, Stef pulled a truly blood-thirsty (did I write that?) move to impress Klaus. Enter an irate husband threatening to call the Chicago PD (snickers all around), shortly followed by a freshly compelled wife. Which brings us to our…
RECIPE OF THE WEEK! This time it’s a cocktail. Bloody Mary. Or Bloody Lila (it would have been funnier if her name had been Mary *sigh*). Remove elbow glove. Slice wrist thoroughly with one handy LONG pocketknife. Drain into champagne glass…
Serve at room temperature–to the compelled husband. Gack! Cheers! Stef bought his way into the family (and got more names to write on his serial killer bachelor pad wall)!
MORE WORST LAID PLAN OF THE WEEK
In Presentville, while Damon was busy reenacting his Welcome Me Back Witch Scene (reminding us of Bree) Elena was NOT making plans, she was reading Stef’s diary! INVASION OF PRIVACY! And again, we wonder about MAID SERVICE! Change the sheets already!
Hark! Her non-vampire hearing yielded footsteps in the hall–The DIEnamic Duo! Wait. Nobody has been in this place in what, 80 years? Now all of a sudden it’s on Chicago’s Celebrity Tours or what? Hide wench!
OBITUARIES
We’re sorry to report the loss of two or three hundred souls written on the Wall of Shame Booze Closet from Hell where Elena chose to hide. Klaus played the Amazing Kreskin to jog poor Stefan’s memory, thinking the joy of reliving the kill “over and over again” was the reason these epitaphs were written. Fortunately for Elena, Klaus was so full of himself he never noticed Elena’s purse ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE or HER IN THE CLOSET! I mean, she is DEAD after all, right?
However, as we held our breath in disbelief and Elena and Stefan exchanged a “pregnant” glance, Stef diverts Klaus attention with a little vintage 1918–let’s go find someone to pair it with!
More footsteps in the hall! Damon walks LOUD! After a hasty chewing out by Elena (no teeth jokes intended) and quick but heartfelt apology from Damon, we immediately dropped back into snark-land “get dressed, you’re all road-trippy and gross!” Damon’s the distraction for Klaus, Elena is to corner Stefan….I thought we were done with Bad Plans for the week!
HOW TO IMPRESS THE BOSS
Tip for job seekers and wanna be wingmen: Suck up to your prospective boss. Tell him he’s a King! Pat him on the back! But, take his advice about being careful of his sister’s inevitable dumping! Toast to friendship! Barf! Stefan put two and two together (finally!) and asked Klaus if we were such good buds, “Why do I only know you as the Hybrid Dick who sacrificed my girlfriend on a Ring of Fire?” (Johnny Cash reference again? Man in Black from last week?) All good things must come to an end, and with a flash of the bulb, we got transported…
AL CAPONE’S WASN’T THE ONLY CHICAGO RAID
DATELINE–1920: Bullets rip through Gloria’s nite spot on the Upper East Side (poetic license) as Chicago’s finest (hmmm? Vampire hunting G-Men?) raid this hot-to-trot bootleg establishment. A hail of WOODEN bullets. Our reporter (and Klaus) smell a rat. Unexplained phrase of the week: Rebekah: “That means he’s here.” Who exactly is “he”, Beks? Friend, Foe, RELATIVE?
In the melee that ensued, Rebekah loses the Jewel of the Vile on the floor, and Klaus takes Stefan’s future into his own hands. He and little sis are skipping out forever, so The Mighty Klaus compelled Stef to FORGET EVERYTHING! And we wondered why Stef was so foggy this whole episode! SIDENOTE TO ELIJAH: “I’d forgotten what it was like to have a brother,” will these two just kiss and make up already?
In Presentville, Klaus refused to answer Stefan’s questions about The Big Chase, right about the time Damon stuck his head in the door to get Stef’s attention.
VAMPIRE REHAB
Still in Presentville, Stefan excused himself, by saying he needs a warm one. Once outside, the Salvatore Brothers engaged in their ritual neck grab and slam. This reporter bets these two were a RIOT as little boys! They argued for the millionth time about getting Elena AWAY from Klaus, but Damon pointedly explained she wasn’t going anywhere until Stef’s checked into Vampire Rehab when they finally exchange some meaningful dialogue. Hybrid + not-so-dead doppelganger = DEAD ZOMBIE HYBRID BABIES! And Klaus’ witch is “seconds” away from finding it out! Yeah, tell HER that! (dun, dun, dun)
LAST CALL
LAST CALL at Gloria’s could actually BE “Last Call” for Damon, as he sidled up to the bar and purposefully irritated Klaus in his own inimitable smirky style! Riff-raff! Pffft! Honey, I’ve been called worse! These two traded “barbs” for a sec, Klaus commenting he wouldn’t let Damon die, but how many “freebies” was he expected to give up? STEP AWAY FROM THE STUPID PAPER DRINK UMBRELLA! Even while being held off the ground by his throat and continuously being stabbed with that stupid little umbrella, Damon continued to bargain with Klaus. Take me! Take me! Since the toothpick wasn’t working, Klaus went for the old break the chair leg stake…POOF! Gloria pulled a Bonnie trick and the stake went “Flame On”–take it outside, boys! This is a high-class joint!
END OF THE WORST PLAN OF THE WEEK
Our readers might think they’re flashing back to Season 1’s plan in Blood Brothers, but nope–you’re in Presentville! Damon and Elena decided a tearful reunion can be fixed up with a vervain dart in the back…..Ah, but Stef’s much faster now that he’s on the old 98.6! This was MAJOR drama–followed by more scare tactics on Stefan’s part. First, he explained the Hybrid failure and the DANGER she is putting herself in if/when Klaus finds out she’s alive. Then he recounted his exploits from Florida to Tennessee (and his body parts) and how he’s NEVER going to be the same again. Elena tried to use the info she got about Lexi saving him from himself in the 20s, but Stef’s Big Bang Theory was to remind Elena it took 30 years for him to pull himself together. Um, can you say 48 is NOT the new 18? “I don’t wanna see you. I don’t wanna be with you. I just want you to go.” Ouch.
CLASSIFIEDS/PERSONALS
NEW ACCESSORY IN OLD CAMAROS: Built in Kleenex! Wearing the Jewel of the Vile (that nobody shared the SECRET of), a dejected Elena and a downtrodden Damon (and might I say, beat up?) went through the emo rollercoaster in a very short span. Single Male Vampire looking for Single Brother’s Girlfriend who likes long walks on the beach and Pina Coladas…wait! They have umbrellas! And just like that, Damon HAS learned to reign it in, since this would be a perfect moment to comfort Elena. Now, he seemed just as brokenhearted as Elena. He couldn’t give her what she wanted. “Are you OK?” He asked Elena. “Just drive.” NOW do you see why we need a built-in Kleenex box up in here?
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT STEFAN
U-STORE IT LOST AND FOUND! Klaus got tired of waiting for Rebekah to “freshen up” and went looking for her. Empty coffin, dead breakfast guard. Come out, come out, wherever you are! In true sibling bickering style, Rebekah jumps out of nowhere, and white oak ash daggered Klaus! Take THAT for leaving me in cold storage for 90-odd years! CUE THE FLASHBACK!
As reported earlier, when Klaus and Beks decided to flee the Windy City “way back when“, Rebekah refused, wanting instead to stay with STEFAN. This guy must REALLY have it goin on, since every girlfriend he picks up is willing to DIE (literally, figuratively, and in perpetuity) for him. *cough* hung *cough* Even though Klaus had his own “thing” for Stefan, this truly pisses him off, so he used one of the Trusty Originals Ginsu Knives Set on his OWN sister! Oh, well, we’ve seen him do it before.
In the present (I‘m getting dizzy), Klaus PulledHisOwnDaggerOut since it wouldn’t kill a fancy-schmancy hybrid like him, anyway. Beks def wanted it to hurt, though, so Klaus showed her his PEACE (piece?) offering. Come here, little Steffy! NOW you can remember. One night in the 20s flashed before his eyes (do you have ANY idea how long it would take a 162-year-old vampire’s entire life to flash before his eyes?)!
He remembered Beks. He remembered having the infamous photo taken. A strange expression passed across his face. And he remembered “We were friends.” Yuk. Klaus, to Stefan: “We ARE friends.” And now the reason for Rebekah’s destaking (is that a word?). An urgent need to contact The Original Witch. OMG! Where’s the necklace? As Rebekah frantically searched the coffin, she was screaming to give her back her necklace! Tantrums apparently run in this Original Family. And they’re contagious! Klaus says DON’T TELL me you need it! You’re worthless without it! See, didn’t I tell you it was the Jewel of the Vile! And Elena’s wearing it!
CRIMEWATCH
Last Flashback, I promise! Any more would be PROHIBITION! Back at the glass riddled near empty Gloria’s a pair of sexy shoes (Oh, Lord, Who Else could it be?) arrived with Katherine doing her very best Catherine Zeta-Jones/Velma Kelly Chicago impersonation right down (up?) to the haircut. Okay, so sue me. I made a hair crack. ANYWAY! Was she stalking Stefan all these years, or that damnable necklace?
She started for the lost Jewel of the Vile just innocently laying amidst the debris, but had to scoot to the wings when freshly-compelled Stefan staggered in. Even though he didn’t remember WHY this particular trinket should mean something to him, he picked it up and practically willed it to tell him. Guess he carried it around for the next 90 years or so until he gave it to Elena, huh?
A very curious “policeman” *ahem* approached Stefan, with very BAD police-artist sketches of Klaus and Rebekah. Since Stefan was [having a brain aneurism] freshly compelled, of COURSE he didn‘t recognize them. Maybe THIS is the guy Klaus is actually afraid of? We shall see!
THE END OF THE AFFAIR
A short 700-mile return trip to Our Fair City found Damon once again at the wrong end of a Katherine conversation from a Pay Phone (hey, they found ONE, they had to use it more than once!) “what are you wearing?”. Bwahaaa! Actually, she had Damon guessing where she was (WRONG, Boy Toy!)
Much to our readers inside delight though not very surprising, she’s in OPRAHVILLE! She‘s been tailing Stefan for over a hundred years, why stop now? AND she knows about the necklace? What are her plans?
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