Mystic Falls Messenger
A highly opinionated publication…Most small towns have a newspaper that is a glorified gossip rag. This is one of those rags!
Editor’s note: Ruthie has MAD skills and is hereby awarded an honorary degree in photojournalism from Mystic Falls College!
FASHION OUTLOOK
The fall fashion forecast in Chicago is Hoes in Hotpants! A reminder: Retail therapy is not recommended for guys–dead or alive. They squirm in uncomfortable chairs listening to cable-car accident dance music and swill cheap champagne from cheaper Pier One stemware till they start lying to you. Rebekkah The Original (hereinafter referred to as Bex), in attempt to update her look, tried on a little number for her entourage of two. So hypercritical about the lack of fabric! Project Runway be damned–she’s the judge and today’s look is Early Prostitute. This coming from The Original dirty-look receiving trouser wearer a la Katherine Hepburn (who calls them trousers? Our publication *ahem* is sending Bex a Complimentary Copy of the Mystic Falls Messenger Urban Dictionary of Current Slang).
Stefan Salvatore, fashion guru, answers the age-old *ahem* question, “Does this dress make my butt look big?” No, it makes your ass look like a fine ass. Bex could always tell when Junior Salvatore was lying. Foreshadowing much?. Let’s talk accessories, oh, yes, the Jewel of the Vile would be perfect, and it wasn’t LOST, Bex “misplaced” it 90-odd (very odd) years ago. Our readers say au contraire–Stef knows exACTly where it went!
AIR QUALITY INDEX
OZONE ALERT!. It’s called Pierce Pollution. Or Petrova Pollution. Stefan used the slack in the Klaus leash to step outside for some fresh air (does he REALLY need to breathe, I mean, he is DEAD and all) and was overcome. Guess Katherine got tired of hanging out in Phone booths! She was up to her old tricks…lying about what she already knew about Stef, his new bestie Klaus (barf) and the Jewel of the Vile being the present Stef gave to Elena AGES ago. Come on, Katherine. You saw it in the Speakeasy Aftermath, you’ve WORN it while masquerading as Elena! How quickly you forgot Trading Places Kalaric/Maddox abduction and losing it yourself in Ric’s bachelor pad. Where it was retrieved by Damon, who gave it BACK to Elena…is anyone else confused yet? Katherine had questions and advice for Stefan–because oh, yes, he’s BAD now, and she’s always been a Diabolical Woman–the new essence from the Katherine Pierce collection to get your man to spill! That didn’t work, so she warned Stef about cockiness, Smarter Than Everyone Especially You Klaus, and Bex the Ruiner! Buh-Bye, Kat!
RECIPE
Ah, the food and drink references abounded this week! Our first recipe is for Ye Olde Sucky Gilbert Cliché Chili Con Carnage. A pinch of Delena bickering, a dash of flirtatious booty-bump, stir in some Ric. If you simmer juuuusst right, you get Bitter Bubbling Elena In Denial followed by a Dashing Damon dig regarding the Jewel of the vile being a reminder of Elena’s Unbreakable Bond with Stefan (see also the Professor Snape Unbreakable Vow). Top this all off with eyesex (don’t look at his mouth, you twit!). Culinary aficionados, rejoice!
COMMUNICATIONS CORNER
As Jeremy lay sleeping (and dreaming) at The Gilbert House, Anna dropped into his bed with and unintentional blatant product placement of the week for Verizon Wireless–Can you hear me now? She’s been trying for days but got no bars on her supernatural bandwidth. The two bumbling sleuths tried to figure out whose 4G did it, when…
Ding Dong, Avon calling! Caroline showed up downstairs bearing gifts–no, it wasn‘t more chili (looked like potato salad–another food reference!), she brought Bonnie. Back from the boondocks! Jer left Ghost GF upstairs to greet Bon like a long lost roll of Charmin. Watch out! Anna was!
CAN WE TALK? While we’re on the subject of great exchange of communications. Damon and Liz were out on the town (well in the street) hashing out that Mayor Pro-Terminal Lockwood called Liz’ gay ex-hubby to torture her daughter. Because that’s what gay exes are FOR, apparently. These families put the “FUN” in dysFUNctional! This was actually a recruitment mission–Liz wanted Damon to “you know”–inquiring minds want to know! Liz didn’t want Damon to KILL him (after all, Caroline IS his spawn), just a little mind-alteration (wait, is that Communication or Fashion?). A great exchange was overheard, Liz: “Just because you and I are on okay terms doesn’t mean I’m suddenly a big advocate for your lifestyle“. Lifestyle–heterosexual, homosexual, or homicidal? Bwahaaa! Damon, “Is that what you told him when you got divorced?” Now he GOT it! And he was SO CUTE saying it! lol
1001 USES FOR DUCT TAPE
Our journalist discovered that the Vampire Torture Chamber from Hell was hidden deep below the bowels of the Mystic Falls City Jail circa 1860. There are LOTS of underground dives in Mystic Falls! Cult deprogramming interventionist Wild Bill Forbes demonstrated the best use for duct tape EVER! This reporter only wished Damon had RIPPED that tape off a little less gingerly!
After sampling Bill for a Taste of Vervain (are we back into FOOD again?) Damon just HAD to know what made Bill think he could change the basic nature of Annoying Control Freak (his words, not mine!) Vampire Barbie? Paraphrasing an old PSA, “The mind is a terrible tool to waste”–Bill thinks minds can be trained and retrained, as long as you’re strong enough. DAMON AGREES! Look into my eyes, you rat.. All you’re gonna remember is you came to bring your daughter back-to-school shopping, like any self-respecting gay father would (ooh, Bill Forbes, fashion diva extraordinaire!)
ENTERTAINMENT
Now playing at Hilda the High Voodoo Priestess–Hotpants Bex and Klausie-poo, back from their mind-exploding retail excursion, sat around watching Gloria attempt the old grimoire and the candle trick to find the Jewel of the Vile (by the way, Bon, hers is bigger, just sayin). Klaus pronounced it an EPIC FAIL, so Bex offered her hand for a little fortune-telling. NEWS TIDBIT! Bex let us know she wore The Jewel for a thousand years, Ah-ha! Looking for the necklace, huh? Stef needs a little music therapy. Please listen to Pokerface by Lady Gaga. Yours could use some work.
RECIPE REDEAUX!
Our Caroline, Bonnie, Elena trio caught up on the MOST UNIMPORTANT gossip of the blah, blah, blah boring versus BURNING, Caroline) summer. Caroline quipped she would kill for a normal family–oh, Caroline, watch your verbiage. With that dentition, you can do it easy! And since this is a recipe segment–Damon’s helping you cook now? Oh, yea, Damon COOKS (smolders, simmers, yadayadayada)! Pun aside, ladies!
Don’t wear your bewitched jewelry near the chili! You might get burned! Car thought maybe it was a sign she shouldn’t be “cooking” without Stefan. Simultaneously, we know that Hilda (er, Gloria) got all the ingredients she needed from Bex’ hand–eavesdropper alert! Bonnie asked to examine The Jewel just as Gloria made contact. Big surprise! The Jewel shocks Bonnie…much like Emily’s pendant did. Jewels of the Vile! Talismans from Hell!
So now that we burned Elena and shocked Bonnie (but the chili’s okey-dokey) Gloria decided it was time to Dumpster-Dive for the deets about a dead girl with dead friends. Klaus, in all your myriad of years, did you never hear that a watched pot never boils? Step away from the witch and stop harshing her ju-ju! Stef suggested the Terrorizing Trio go out for a BITE, even offering Klaus first dibs on picking who they eat! One mention of food and Shazaam! We’re outa here!
HOME COOKING: Where is Jer’s stash when you need it? After all, this is the Mystic Falls Founder’s Council POTluck! lol Bonnie smuggled in not a cookbook but the obvious old grimoire to examine the Jewel of the Vile with an identification spell. She thought The Jewel was magic, not realizing that it was Gloria doing it. While Bon was busy doing her homework, Car started sniping at Elena about Switching Salvatores. EDITORIAL COMMENT: Car was so much her OLD self, only MORE this episode! Um, guys, The Jewel floated on air–it has it’s own magic! Duh…it’s Gloria!
Over at the Chili For Everyone tables, Damon perused the people-food–Fell Family Chili? Did Logan submit a recipe from The Great Beyond? Are there any Fells left in Mystic Falls? Am I watching TV or reading? And what was up with all the sunflowers…SUN, really? As in deadly to unprotected vampires? Questions, questions!
TROUBLE IN PARADISE
We are sad to report an apparent crack in the Bromance Egg. Which may erupt into an abyss before this edition goes to press! Damon prophesies to Ric that Founder’s Parties are just an excuse for the Council to meet in back rooms and plot against vampires. Ta-da! One of our favorite Bromances literally and metaphorically slipped from the good bourbon to cheap beer. Ric had a bee in his bonnet, and told Damon to “take a beat“ with Elena, as in a moment, a pause for thought. And he said it more than once! As our bromance bickered about who’s looking after Elena–the spat was interrupted by Liz–yea, here’s your Council meeting (told ya, asshole)!
PEOPLE-FOOD IS OVERRATED
Bratty Bex doesn’t play with her food and gets bored easily. She def causes more trouble in the Klaus-Stefan dynamic, with Stef still playing both sides of the fence! After a sumptuous meal of unnamed dead girls (belch–apparently you don‘t have to wash down the non-people food) Stef apparently DID get a name. According to a VERY OLD source (Klaus) Stef excused himself to write it on the Serial Killer Wall of Shame. Long story, loose leash!
DINING ROOM! TABLE FOR ONE AND AN ALMOST!
Is it true that the Dining Room in the Gilbert House has grown? I think Jer had a fox-key (oops, I’m reading instead of watching again). Anna told Jer she has all the time in the world. Um, in the other-worldly there in ghost limbo? Ah, cue the nagging. Why hadn’t Jer told Bonnie about Anna’s presence? Jer tap-danced all over that one, or should we say push-n-pulled over that one. Forgetting about Bonnie for the moment, they figured out it was a you pull I push thing from The Other Side, as in Ghost Limbo. What about Vicki–Anna doesn’t see her, she just feels a “darkness“. Anna cautions Vicki can’t get thru if Jeremy’s not open to it. Amazing these two could talk to each other (she coulda said EPIC, hey, it‘s a tradition). Hey, wait, they could touch! The Bond strengthens! Just like an incarcerated felon thru the bulletproof glass touching fingers! What ELSE can they do? *snickering*
I’VE GOT A SECRET
Stefan was spotted returning to the HooDooVooDooHouse for a little confab with [Hilda] Gloria. He wanted to know why she didn’t Out him. ‘I’m not gonna help that Hybrid-half-breed with anything. I want The Jewel for myself. It is a talisman from The Original Witch herself‘. Thou shalt not covet thy ancestor’s talismans! So Stef decided she knew too much, and was gonna OUT her, permanently but Oh! These witches and their mindbullets! She decided on ATE the Hard Way!
SHAMELESS SHIRTLESSNESS AT WHITE BARN CANDLE COMPANY
We found a BIG SALE at White Barn Candle–can you say Fire Hazard! Stef awoke sans shirt spread-eagle on an alter [read table] in total paralysis and with nary a smoke detector in sight! No New Age for Gloria–she’s old school S&M, herbs, eye of newt, knee of bat, sage, witch hazel (what is this, a facial?), and her personal favorite, vervain! Using Stef’s own painfully extracted blood as “essence” she hunted for THE TRUTH about The Jewel.
FAMILY FEUD
We snuck into the Not-so-Secret Founder’s Council meeting, and has the membership grown with unidentified members? Liz reported no incidents since Spring into the minutes and DAMON AGREED (again–he‘s very agreeable this week)–okay, let’s all drink then! But wait! Not all the guests were unidentified as Daddy Forbes showed up–how did HE get out? Oh, yes, after years of practice he can avoid compulsion and Damon needs to brush up on his skills–sloppy! Daddy wanted to know if these three (Liz, Carol, and Damon) think everybody on the Council is clueless or just stupid. Do we REALLY have to answer that?
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES
The Jeremy Gilbert bedroom is the new hangout in Mystic Falls. ALL the girls (dead, alive, psychic, witchy) do it. This time it was Bonnie, under the ruse of doing a little OLD book research on The Jewel. What happened to Bing? Is Jer’s PC on the fritz? Jer asked Bon why she couldn’t just ask the 100 Dead Witches of Channeling about The Jewel. And we got our first TRUTH, just misinterpreted. Bon fessed up they cut her off for bringing him back to life, assuming that was the CONSEQUENCES.
Jer looks guilty, and this reporter thinks Bon is gonna GF nag for the TRUTH about what‘s been wrong with his summer–wrong CONSEQUENCES! Anna appeared–Darkness is Here! Danger, Will Robinson! Poof! Up in flames! We were surprised Bonnie could put it out. Was that Gloria or Vicki that did that? Must have been Vicki, because GLORIA was otherwise occupied…
…and was impressed with Stef’s discipline, BUT! In this week’s (thankfully) only flashback–Gloria saw lots of darkness, lots of guilt, and all to keep This Girl He Loves away from Klaus. Why? Ah-ha! She’s The Doppelganger! That’s why Klaus is sterile!
Just when you thought it was unsafe to be Elena Gilbert again (when has that EVER been safe?) it was Katherine to the rescue! Poo-poo with these fancy spells and shit…gimme a good ole dagger in the neck anytime!
Alas, Katherine’s Tarps For The Dead always come with a price. First the advice, take a page from the Katherine Pierce playbook and pit Klaus and Bex against each other. Then the price: what does Kat expect to get from it. Like Stef actually trusts her enough to tell her anything. Okay, he gave her a little tease. He knew them in the 20s when they were on the run from a Hunter. Katherine (who was in the damn ROOM in the 20s so already saw all this with her own eyes) wants to help *yeah, right* Stef figure out why an Original vampire who can’t be killed would be afraid of a vampire hunter. If Klaus is goin down, she wants IN! It’s good to want things, Katherine. And another prophesy comes out, Stef suggests Katherine look elsewhere for a diabolical partner in crime, thank you very much! (diabolical…partner….crime….Damon *cough cough*)
INSIDE (AND OUTSIDE) SPORTS
Picnic’s over! The Honesty Police (aka Caroline Forbes) were discussing The Jewel and Damon‘s Disturbing Behavior (doing Bad Things to Good People), when Ric The Protector decided it was time to go. Elena was wondering where Damon was; cue another appearance by Queer Eye for the Straight Guy–here‘s Daddy! Uh-oh, Car couldn’t deal so high-tailed it to Tyler‘s room with clueless Ric (did he catch that from Jenna?) wanting to know what that was all about. See Bad Behavior above.
BROMANCE ON THE ROCKS, ANYONE? (so it’s a beverage reference in the sports section, so sue me) Ric and Elena left with Damon bringing up the rear, ranting. HOW is Bill impervious to compulsion? “He threatened to out me!” Wait, a gay guy is gonna OUT a vampire. Shocking! What’s with all this threatened Outing this week? Bill wants to control the council because he thinks it’s been compromised. Ric was quick with the duh, it has! YOU’RE on it! (Another of Ric’s terminal mistakes this week.) When Damon says Bill wants to put vervain in the town’s water supply, Elena thinks it would help Damon keep himself in control now that Stef’s not here to keep him in check. Can we rub The Woobie the wrong way ONE MORE TIME!? Winding up for the pitch, Damon spouted off he shoulda killed Bill that morning! Elena whined about Bill being Caroline’s dad (STRIKE TWO). SNARK FOUL! “Yea, and when I kill him she’ll have one more parent than we do“. In an incredible attempted save, Ric stepped in with his GetOutOfDeathFreeRing to once again repeatedly kill Damon’s buzz. STRIKE THREE! YOU’RE OUT! How bout a nice Hawaiian Punch? *snap*
OBITUARIES, PERMANENT AND TEMPORARY
This week’s obits include recently departed Ric (I’ll Be Back, Terminator), Gloria (not Gaynor, she Won’t Survive), and at least 3 unnamed girls of questionable nature (vampire lunch).
VETERINARY HYGIENE
Though NOT the Mystic Falls Vet, Caroline’s extremely vampire-sensitive nose says PU, Tyler, you reek like wet dog when he discovered her hiding from Daddy the Destroyer in his bedroom. You want me to kick his ass? Tyler quipped. Always the fashionista, Car doesn’t want Ty to mess up the really expensive shirt Bill’s wearing, that SHE bought for him.
Okay, then, Ty just got gratuitously shirtless and they forgot all about the wet dog! Ring-a-ling! Phone in Car’s pocket! ‘This better be a friend emergency–I‘m in the middle of…!’ It was, Ric’s dead on the lawn.
FIGHT NIGHT WITH THE GIRLS
Presumed teetotaler Bill was slugging back Scotch downstairs in the Council Meet-Up Room when Damon, fresh off the kill, confronted him. They argued about moderation, skill honing, and lazy technique. Dangerous ground, this reporter fears! Though Bill said he would never Out his daughter to the Council morons, he expected to survive by default of Damon not being self-destructive when it comes to killing the sheriff‘s ex.. Too bad, so sad–that made him the 3rd person to underestimate Damon in ONE DAY. Never underestimate The Woobie! Bite!
Damon almost got drunk himself (Whoo!) on all that fresh blood (guess the blood bags are getting a little stale). Damon was savoring his perfect little moment when BAM! Car and Ty’s quickie was over and she flew into the room in an ANGRY RAGE! Big time smackdown (we just loved Bill refusing to drink Car’s blood to heal, and her “Grow up, Dad!” snark!)
Standoff! Get out of here–or what? More vamp speed fighting! I’m stronger than you–well I’m ANGRIER! Headbutt! Enter Elena (who NEVER stays out of trouble), exit the semi-happy father and daughter. Bummer, Damon loves a good girl-fight! So he got another one with Elena (words, not action this time).
She called him out for being The Town Badass. Temper fueled, she spewed she didn’t want Damon to be what people think he is. “I am not Stefan, how bout you stop trying to turn me into him?” Storm out.
ALL ABOUT THE HANDWASHING–AND COMING CLEAN
We eavesdropped just a little (who am I kidding) on Jer in his Jack-n-Jill bathroom furiously washing his hands when Bonnie barged in to announce there were ashes everywhere. Duh, that’s what happens when there’s a fire. Bon went for a vacuum, while Anna reappeared. Why did Jer close the door? Bonnie can’t see her! She only pops up when Jer’s thinking about her.
In another ah-ha moment, Anna figured out that Jer didn‘t want Bonnie to know he still cared about Anna. Oops! Mistake! Last straw time–in a brilliant metaphor Jer quit washing his hands and came clean to Bonnie about the ghosts.
And Anna learned How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days! Banished (at least temporarily) back to ghost limbo.
COLD STORAGE RENTAL–CHEAP
Is your family cargo dreary? Cheap and portable U-Stor-It portable family plot is the way to go! After cleaning up the Mess That Was Gloria, Stef was just about to crack open a cold one over at U-Stor-It, when Bex returned and parked her Hotpants Ho Hiney right ON what we presume was daggered Elijah (and simultaneously millions of female fans cried FOUL!) Just hold onto your panties, ladies, you KNOW it’s coming sooner or later! Junior Salvatore attempted a little Pierce Playbook trick, but she has YEARS of moves he’s never even heard of! And guess what? Bex has a little playbook of her own! They played Kiss N Tell games about endangering the relatives, running from The Hunter, and traded secrets about Klaus’ admiration of Stef’s willingness to sacrifice for family. Who Was That Masked Man! NOT the Lone Ranger!
Stef came out the loser in this game of secrets. Since, as Bex told him in the opening, she can always tell when he’s lying. Klaus returned madder’n a wet hornet because Gloria took a powder (or a dagger), and screamed he needed a new witch immediately! (Witch alert! Hide yourselves!) Bex Outs Stefan for trying to find out about Michael; Klaus takes a bite outa him!
LAST WEEK’S WAKE-UP CALL REDEFINED
The Damon Salvatore Wake-Up Service took a nosedive this week. It was NOT a hit with the temporarily dead Ric. Damon quipped it took a little longer for him to come around this time, and they should get The Ring checked out to make sure it wasn’t goin bad. Fancy mixed drink should save everything, right? Maybe that cocktail should have been shaken, not stirred! “You killed me“–“You pissed me off!” “Maybe everybody’s just realized you’re a dick!” Epic Fail!
HONESTY POLICE BEAT
The Honesty Police Caroline got blunt a second, third, fourth ( who‘s counting–she’s suspicious!) time this week. Damon’s gotten under Elena’s skin! (deny, deny, deny) Admit it! Elena’s attracted to him in all his bad brother glory. Elena was overheard pondering, “If I admit it, or even thought it, what does it say about me?” It says you have raging teenage hormones, that’s what it says! Who could POSSIBLY resist the temptation?!
About that time, The Honesty Police bid a not-so-fond farewell to her Dad, who at LEAST thanked Car for rescuing him. When Caroline tried to tell him she was gonna be okay, that jerk-off told her she was NEVER gonna be okay cause she’s a vampire. Bye Bill, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way outa town. (Welcome Wagon, please make a note of that for his next visit!)
FOUNDER’S COUNCIL RECRUITMENT
Stop the Presses! At a tiny pow-wow at Lockwood Manor, attended only by our own Mayor, the Sheriff, and the Stand-In Gilbert Protector–Ric grew a set! Not letting the ruling females get in a word edgewise, Ric reminded them The Gilbert Family was a Founding Family, The Council is made up of Founding Families, and HE’S responsible for the Gilberts now, so he’s IN. Shut up! I haven’t seen those two so quiet since, well, EVER!
MYSTIC GRILL MENU
Today’s special: Jewel of The Vile. Start with one overly tired Bonnie, add in Katherine in Elena format, mix a little blissful “I miss my necklace”, and finish off with the Jewel of the Vile. Finish off with a Bonnie tale of Jeremy sees Dead People Consequences, and poof! Your lunch-date vanishes! Vampspeed. How rude! No dessert?
ROAD TRIP!
Katherine was just a girl looking for a partner in crime–didn’t she leave out the word diabolical? That vampspeed took her straight down Vampire Boulevard–right to Damon’s Door. Fresh off his squabbles with his unrequited Elena and his bestie Ric, Damon was MORE than willing to go along with Kat’s proposition for a road trip. Get me the hell outa Dodge! To places unknown. She’s not telling where, but believe me, it’s good!
Speaking of road trips, Stef comes to in the patented portable family U-Stor-It after he royally pissed Klaus off. Bex has pumped Klaus full of “He’s holding out on you”, so Klaus decided to find out what Stef was hiding from his past life (oxymoron, anyone?). Here came the Big Reveal! What’s behind Door Number Only? Ouch! Anyone got any Ray-Bans? That sun hurt Stef’s eyes! WTF? Mystic Falls?
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