Mystic Falls Messenger: TVD Recap Episode 3.22 “The Departed”

Mystic Falls Messenger

Dearly Departed, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called Life. Electric word, life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time. Keep your theories in your pants, because this week was fraught with OSMs (oh SHIT moments)! We’re callin ‘em like we saw ‘em, so don’t shoot The Messenger!

Editor’s note: A great big, super-duper, squishy Woobie Hug to Ruthie for enduring this season of screencapping for The Messenger. We couldn’t have done it without her! Maybe over our hiatus she’ll be tolerant enough to teach someone on our staff the tricks of the trade! The presses might roll more slowly if she does!

BACK IN THE GOOD OLE DAYS

Pink’s “So What” was number 4 on the May 2009 pop charts, and playing on Elena Gilbert’s radio alarm on the fateful morning of May 23. If the smiling, pom poms, and cheerleading uniform weren‘t enough to clue you in we were digging in the archives…

…possibly Aunt Jenna in the Gilbert kitchen did it for you?  Well, that plus a 14-year-old Jeremy locked in the Jack-n-Jill bathroom he shared with his sister, doing Lord knows what *wink*. And who was that beautiful brunette bidding Jenna and Elena a good morning? Miranda Gilbert, former adopted mom.

Elena woke to the present in a hospital bed, huh?. We overheard Dr. Meredith telling Jeremy in the hall that Elena hit her head but it was only a slight concussion. Jer was worried about the nosebleed, but Mer said she was gonna be fine, she was okay, she’d been through a lot. Anyone you wanna call? Ghostbusters?

Jer called Damon and Stefan, who were on the road to the Atlantic. He did WHAT?! (Damon, the voice of primal faux-parenting.) Jeremy tried to explain when you find your sister unconscious you call 9-1-1 but Damon wasn’t listening. Not when he has a parade of vampires at his disposal! Even Stefan was down with the program. Every remaining Original was gonna want her dead to stop PsychoRic, she was a sitting duck in the hospital. Meredith wanted to keep Elena overnight for observation. Get Elena home. No discussion. They’re on their way. Damon snarked how much he appreciated Stefan NOT being the dumbest brother on earth. (Did they actually high-five?) Aside from that, one of them needed to keep moving. If Klaus really was the Sire of the Salvatore bloodline, they need to keep Klaus’ body hidden before PsychoRic found him and really did kill him. And they all end up dead. Oh, Lord, their life is one big proverbial coin toss.

NOTED CITY OFFICIALS REMOVED FROM THEIR POSTS

Dr. Meredith Fell’s office was invaded by PsychoRic, patiently waiting to ambush her to ask why Elena’s GUARDIAN didn’t get a call when she was brought in? Oh, yes, he has eyes and ears everywhere now. Much like The Messenger. The people of MF are actually good at their jobs when allowed to be, but she was a tad too good at her job, since she cheats. Once again proving Alaric’s memories did carry over, Psycho had found her blood stash in the mini-fridge (ewww, unsanitary. Hope her lunch wasn‘t in there).

Kind of a small stash, only three vials. Hmmm. The only vampire we’ve ever seen Meredith steal blood from is dot, dot, dot. PsychoRic proceeded to dump the contents on her desk, with her pleading with him to stop it. The Council would contact the Medical Board to get her license suspended. Mayor Lockwood and Sheriff Forbes were being relieved of their duties. PsychoRic’s getting Mystic Falls back under control. Oh, and she’d release Elena to him. However, when he went down the hall to her room, she was gone. That Jeremy’s one fast little worker!

POST TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY ADVICE

Jeremy, Caroline, Tyler, and Matt had brought Elena home, where then ensconced the starving invalid on the couch. Closet check first, food second. Elena insisted she was fine. Caroline played home-away-from-home hostess, offering Tea? Vodka? Maybe Tea WITH vodka? Both would help her sleep. Maybe someone might have googled signs, symptoms, and treatment for faux-concussions? We seriously doubt alcohol is recommended, and what was that old wives’ tale about going to sleep after a head injury? Car left the living room, and Elena’s eyes landed on the family pictures on the end table, when she lapsed into thought (and apparently sleep)….

MF High sophomores Elena, Matt, and Bonnie walked across the school grounds, gossiping about Caroline’s harping on Elena’s lack of ponytail zhuzh. Bonnie was on her ‘psychic predictions’ hotline soapbox, just like when we first met her (flared jeans ARE making a comeback). Not psychic, she was just watchin too much ANTM. Well, pooh on you, Elena, but Bonnie had a bad feeling about the bonfire that night. Elena said she couldn’t go because of Family Night with Aunt Jenna in town. Matt tried to talk her out of it, gave her a smooch, told her he loved her, and went to see Coach Tanner. Bon noticed Elena didn’t say ILY back, and that was WAY telling. She shouldn’t string Matt along anymore.

Segue to present-day Matt, couch-sitting Elena when she woke. Ty and Car got calls from their moms, so they were gone. Matt wanted to know what she had been dreaming about. Sophomore year, which seemed like forever ago. The Curtain of Serious descended. Elena apologized for stringing Matt along. She shoulda figured out what she wanted and been honest. Now she’s making the same mistakes with Stefan and Damon. She has to let one of them go. Matt asked the rhetorical question, “Just one?” That was when Stefan returned and he and Elena exchanged a warm, sad embrace.

THE FOUR DEADLIEST WORDS

Jer had gone to The Grill to get take-out. But PsychoRic was at the bar (old habits die hard) waiting for him. Faux-dad, anyone? Serving alcohol to minors, he plunked two beers down in front of himself and Jeremy, and uttered the dreaded words, “We need to talk.”

PsychoRic needed Jer to tell him where Klaus’ body was. Jeremy didn’t know, and wouldn’t tell him if he did. [Our pub-crawling reporter slurred out, “If he told ya he’d hafta kill ya.“ Put the bottle down!] Elena’s vamp-fetish nearly got her offed AGAIN, and PsychoRic should know about multiple-death syndrome! If she wouldn’t cut them out of her life, HE would, but he needed Jer’s help. If Jer would find out where Klaus’ body was, Psycho will kill him and all his Original siblings, then when Psycho died, vampires would no longer exist. Hey, the only way PsychoRic dies is if Elena dies. Gee, thanks, Esther, then lock Psycho up and have Bonnie put a spell on him like she did Klaus. Let Elena live a long healthy human life (isn‘t it odd that she‘s human when it‘s convenient?). Anywho, when Elena’s life was over, Ric’s would be too. Props! PsychoRic needed props! So he pulled out Stake 2.0, the one weapon on earth that can kill the Originals. Jeremy should look at it his way, PsychoRic was gonna get Klaus one way or the other. C’mon, Jeremy, be on the right side of this. Did Jer buy it?

KITCHEN NIGHTMARES

At home, Elena complained to Stefan and Matt about being over-coddled, even if she was on house-arrest. Matt thought it would be smarter if they just got her out of town. Elena doesn’t want to run for the rest of her life, she was NOT an invalid, and she was done with the couch! Miss Priss! Matt asked if Stef was just gonna let her call the shots. She could make her own decisions, even if they were wrong. Nothing wrong with free will, Matt. You don’t realize that till you lose it. And Stef’s lost his and regained it recently, The Voice of Experience. But oops, Elijah was standing in the open front door. (OSM #1)

We all went to the Gilbert kitchen, with Damon on speaker phone. Elijah, in Let’s Make A Deal mode yet again, said all “we” need is to filch Stake 2.0 away from PsychoRic. Once they have it, the Originals would scatter to the fabled ends of the Earth (Narnia?) and PsychoRic would follow them. Klaus and Rebekah spent most of a thousand years running from Mikael, what would another half-century be as Elena lived the rest of her natural life. Elena wouldn’t just bring Klaus back after one of their hare-brained diabolical plans actually worked and they stopped him. Elijah gave Elena his word he would not revive Klaus within even her children’s lifetimes (no tea no shade, Elijah, our readers have seen your ‘word‘ in action before). Matt wanted to know why she should trust him since all he’d done is screw her over. Bravo, Matty! Elijah groveled (for a sec) but reminded them he could have killed her the minute he walked in. SO! Miss Elena, up to her to make the decision whether to trust him or not.

We don’t know how Damon kept a cork in it so long, but he piped up on the speaker phone “NOT! Hello! Did that concussion give you brain damage? His lunatic siblings will kill you the first chance they get!” As the “senior” brother, Elijah commanded Rebekah and Kol would honor the terms, if they got Klaus’ body Elena would be safe. Do they have a deal? More piping from the peanut gallery, “NO, no no no no no did I mention NO?!” Stefan told Elena it was up to her. “Oh, come ON!” If Damon coulda crawled through the phone he would have. Elena asked why Elijah wanted Klaus’ body? He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother. We remain together. We have a deal. Elena, smack your own head.

RUNAWAY TEENAGE COUPLE ABETTED BY PARENTS

Tyler and Caroline showed up at the Lockwood Mansion to find their moms in deep discussion. Carol explained that PsychoRic outed them to The Council, had them looking for Klaus, and then they’d be coming for Forewood. Which meant Tyler and Caroline had to skedaddle before then. Caroline didn’t understand at first that they needed to high-tail it outa town, or that their mothers were actually encouraging them to shack up on the run. Carol got some cash, Liz faked IDs and school records. Tyler couldn’t believe it, either. They wanted them to run? Liz and Carol couldn’t protect them anymore. If they stay, they’d end up dead. As opposed to Elena, they have NO choice.

Caroline and Tyler shared a private moment. Caroline didn’t want to leave their friends, but Tyler pointed out that Stefan and Damon were gonna protect themselves. He and Car were on their own, and he wanted to protect her. Oh, melty pants! She’d go anywhere with him. If they had to spend the rest of their lives running, she’d run with him (that sounded suspiciously like a song lyric). But first, she had to help their friends. Okay. Tyler would get stuff together and meet her at the cellar in two hours, they had to travel light. Car didn’t need anything, except maybe a curling iron, three pair of Jimmy Choos, and this month‘s Glamour? Oh, and they had to tell Bonnie—Tyler would call Bonnie (ahhhhh, contact). Two hours. Don’t be late! Tyler was AMAZED he was actually gonna pull this off with their mom’s blessings!

FAUX FATHER DOESN’T KNOW BEST

After the Deal of the Century went down in the Gilbert kitchen (synchronize your watches, it won’t last long!) Matt whispered to Jer on the Porch of Truth steps. Um, hey guys, house full of vampires with super hearing? You better hope they’re not listening while you come up with Diabolical Plan Q. Jer had told Matt about the meet-up with PsychoRic at The Grill. What Jer wanted to do was go in the house, grab Elena and get her outa there. Matty was game, but how were they gonna get her past all the vamps in there? (Finally, one brain between the two of them!) Even if Jer wanted to help Alaric, he didn’t know where they stashed Klaus. Uh-oh. Matt did.

Back at The Grill doing bicep bourbon curls, PsychoRic got a call from Jer. He knows where Klaus’ body is. Damon was on the way to bury his body in the woods off Route 12. Jer would text him with the specifics. A convert! Thanks, Jer. You’re doing the right thing for your sis. Jer knows. He was lookin at his sister while making the call. From the Gilbert kitchen with all the plotsters as witness. PsychoRic bought it. (OSM 2)

YOU PACK IT, YOU SHIP IT, WE STORE IT

Speaking of Tyler calling Bonnie to fill her in—Damon and Bonnie emerged from an elevator in a self-storage building. How in hell did she get there? Damon bitched about not being halfway out of Virginia before Elena sold their souls to The Originals. Nuh-uh, Bon wasn’t havin it, it was Elena’s call. Yeah, like everything bad ever! STFU, Damon, where’s the body? As long as it was unspelled PsychoRic was just one witch away from finding it. Damon was gonna use Unit 666, but maybe a little too obvious? So, Klaus was in 1020. Along with a mini-fridge, a couple of birdcages and a box of old Playboys. One beef jerkified Original.

In a coffin. Lookin mighty dehydrated, but with just enough oomph to open his eyes when they popped the top. Creepy! Bon needed a minute. Damon wanted her to just jam the witch locator or bat signal or whatever and get on with it! Again, Damon, STFU! Elena and Jeremy lost Jenna and Alaric because of Klaus. Tyler’s a hybrid, Bon’s mom is a vampire. Bonnie wanted a minute to just appreciate the sight of Klaus all laid out like yesterday’s wet newspapers (now wait just a minute!). Damon left them alone (he didn’t want to deal with her ‘tude, but we stayed behind). Bonnie told Klaus’ cold, dead remains he should burn in hell. But if he dies, so do her friends, and her mother. What was she supposed to do about that? Bonnie was in a MOOD!

POSSIBLY PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW

While Stefan was preparing to do battle, Elena told him to make sure PsychoRic didn’t harm Jeremy. Stef reassured her that they had enough strength in numbers to disarm PsychoRic. Elena sighed deeply, and Stef asked dumb question of the world, “Hey. What’s wrong?” while stroking her cheek with his thumb. Lately she felt like anytime anyone walked out of the house they might not make it back home.

Stef promised he would do everything in his power to make sure they all come back. Elena nodded, and Stef started to leave. Elena stopped him, but forget it, they could talk later. He turned to leave again, thought better of it, and rushed to Elena with a passionate, breathless kiss—just in case there is no later.

COMPETENT LAW ENFORCEMENT RETURNS TO MYSTIC FALLS?

As soon as Bonnie left PortaStorage, Damon was on the phone to Stef. Bex should be there soon to pick up the body. Stef had Caroline and Elijah in place, and Jer was gonna lead Alaric to them in the woods. Damon couldn’t hold back. You just had to let Elena make the choice, didn’t you, Stefan? WWDD? Grab her, gag her, throw her in a well, anything rather than let her trust Elijah! Stef reminded Damon she’d just hate him for it. Yeah, but she’d be alive and hating him. The eternal difference between the BroBuddies.

Stef chuckled. As soon as they get the stake, Damon was to hand over the coffin and get out. PsychoRic had half the police lookin for Klaus’ car. The elevator binged. Gotta go. The Original Sister is here! About time, Sexy Bex! Damon got an armlock from behind. Not a petite blonde one, either. It was PsychoRic. Where’s Klaus? How did you find me?

Damon would be amazed how competent law enforcement is when it’s not corrupted by vampires. Where. Is. Klaus. In a storage locker. There’s only about a thousand of them. Knock yourself out. PsychoRic snapped Damon’s neck, looked disgusted, and started down the long hallway of infinite locked doors.

LOCAL TEEN ABDUCTED

Elena was up in her room, and Matt brought her over-honeyed tea. He sucks at tea. But not at disguising rufies, apparently. He sat with her and calmly discussed Stefan. He saved her life. She never told Matt that. The night Grayson and Miranda died, Stefan was the one that saved her. Matt asked if she felt like she owed him, or something? No, after the accident, she felt like she didn’t know how to live anymore. Like she didn’t want to. But then being with Stefan, somehow she figured it out. That’s what love should be. You should love the person that makes you glad that you’re alive. So Matt asked what was the problem? Damon. When she’s with him, he consumes her. She knows that she can’t love them both, that it’s wrong, but when she chooses one she’ll lose the other, and she didn’t want to lose anyone else. She wished she had her mom to give her advice. FLASHBACK!

Do you dream on drugs? Elena relived the ill-fated sophomore year bonfire. She was on her cellphone while walking out of the party, with Aunt Jenna complaining about sucking at Pictionary. Is that the only game available in the Gilbert House? They should borrow Twister from Stefan sometime. Come get me! Feeling guilty about ditching Family Night?

Mom‘s intuition had Miranda wanting the phone. Is everything okay? Elena had a fight with Matt because he was getting too college and love and marriage like he ALWAYS did and Elena wanted to run screaming for the hills. Miranda said Matt didn’t really care about all that, he was just trying to figure out how she felt about him. Elena didn’t know how she felt. Yeah, you do. You’re just afraid to say it. Elena didn’t want to lose him. Mom’s know best, “You’re not gonna lose him honey, you’re setting him free.” Hold that thought.

Elena came around (and back to the present) somewhere in the dark of night in Matt’s old beater of a pickup movin on down the road. What‘s going on? It was the only way Matt was gonna get her in the truck. The tea? Matt was sorry, but she was right. She didn’t have any parents to tell her what’s right or wrong, just him and Jeremy and a bunch of vampires fighting a war she shouldn’t be in the middle of. WTH is going on, Matt? He was getting her out of town, it was the only way to keep her safe.

AREA NEWS–PUBLIC STORAGE BREAK-IN REPORTED

Crimestoppers received an anonymous call this week about numerous cases of vandalism at an area PortaStorage. PsychoRic was caught on film trying to find out what was behind door number one, and two, and three, and so on. Snapping locks and striking out. The elevator binged–it was SexyBex, calling for Damon. Ric had handy Stake 2.0 at the ready, and stalked toward her as she roamed the halls getting ever-increasingly irritated that Damon didn’t answer.

She became more apprehensive, when suddenly a hand reached out of the darkness and covered her mouth, hauling her into the shadows. Ssssshhhhh! It was recently recovered Damon, trying to protect her from The Evil that Lurked in the hall. PsychoRic continued his menacing search, until he came to a stop before Unit 1020, noticing the lock had already experienced premature snapoffery! Oh-ho! Dis must be de place! But when he threw up the door, lo and behold, there was a big empty floor where we knew Klaus-in-a-box was before!

Well that ticked him off! Damon had already nabbed the goods, and he and Rebekah were rolling the coffin and bier outside to the getaway truck like they were practicing morticians. Not so fast, you two crazy kids! Psycho overtook them with super vampspeed, grabbed Bex, smashed her against the side of the vehicle, and threw her aside like a rag doll. Next he ninja-kicked Damon in the gut before throwing open the lid of Klaus’ tidy rolling bed of repose!

It must really suck to be that dehydrated (not to mention chained), see it comin, and only be able to roll your eyes at your attacker! Stake 2.0 came out, with Bex and Damon both screaming “NO!” in the background as PsychoRic plunged the weapon home! (OSM #3) From our perch high atop the getaway hearse, we only saw the reflected flames dancing off the faces of Damon restraining a distraught Bex screaming for her brother’s undead life. We took a chance and peered over the side (okay, so our reporter lost an eyebrow, R.I.P.). Klaus’ chest burst into flames, Evil PsychoRic ripped the offending splinter out and triumphantly slammed the lid shut on Klaus forever. If Momma Esther had only left the user manual for Stake 2.0, we might know if there was a timeframe for that reusable WMD (gone in 60 seconds? 15? Let stand in oven for a full two minutes?), but our reporter never got a good look at the pile of ashes. Hmmm. Well now! Next victim, Bex?! Damon slung her away hollering, “Run!” which had PsychoRic workin his neck in irritation. Bex took off and Damon lunged at the menace, who casually threw him aside and sped after Bex.

That left Damon behind making an ill-fated call to Stefan back at Diabolical Plan Central in the Woods. Which we listened in on, of course. Bad news. PsychoRic staked Klaus. How do you feel? How do YOU feel? Once they established they both felt okay, Stefan remembered it took Sage about an hour before she got “sick”, but Damon still held out maybe Klaus lied about being the Sire of the Salvatores. If he wasn’t lying, an hour’s not enough time for Damon to get back from Public Storage for he and Stefan’s “epic” goodbye. Snarky Damon, meet Serious Stefan. Were you two ever introduced? Not their brother goodbye, Damon and Elena‘s. Didja HAVE to go there, Stef? Break out the Kleenex. Guess Stefan will just have to say goodbye for both of them. There was a ton of teenage hanging on the phone not saying anything (but the quiet was deafening), until Damon broke the silence—Call me if you cough up a lung. Click.

Jeremy (NOT our field reporter) eavesdropped behind Stefan, and explained Elena wasn’t AT home. He and Matt pulled off super-secret Plan Q and got her out of town. Always the optimist (well, sorta), Stefan said it was gonna be fine, Klaus was lying, and everybody would be okay. But his words didn’t reach his face, nope, not buying it! Caroline and Elijah showed up, knowing something had gone horribly wrong from the eye contact alone!

FORWARD OR BACKWARD?

Jer quickly called his Plan Q cohort, to tell Matt the bad news. It’s funny, nobody talks on speaker, but everybody always knows what’s been said on everybody else’s cell phones! Elena heard the news, and insisted they go back to Mystic Falls. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if Klaus was the Salvatore Sire, then they’re all gonna die! WE HAVE TO GO BACK! Reading the triangle tea leaves, Matt gently told Elena that Damon wasn’t with the rest of the bunch. He was 100 miles away at PortaStorage. Matt could keep driving to him, or they could go back to Stefan. It was her choice (as usual). So what did she do? Why, she called Damon, of course!

TO FALL OR TO UNFALL

There was a flurry in the newsroom, as we scrambled for MORE KLEENEX! Still high atop our hearse-perch, we listened in as Elena checked in to see if the Grim Reaper had paid a visit. Damon had no symptoms yet, and thought they’d all get a kick out of it when they found out Klaus was a BFL (big fat liar). Damon asked where she was (and what she was wearing–not really), since he could hear the sound of Matt’s old beater in the background. Here it comes! Matt was taking her home. To Stefan. (OSM #4) Not just to Stefan. To Tyler, to Caroline–he got it. Since Damon was possibly a Dead Man, he broke into ‘let me ask the question I don’t really want to know the answer to’. In a perfect *ahem* world, if it was just him or Stefan, and she had to make a choice, who got the goodbye? (We woulda handed him a Kleenex but we were fresh out by this time!)

She loves Stefan (backpedal), he came into her life when she needed someone and she fell for him instantly. No matter what Elena feels for Damon, she never unfell for Stefan. Stefan, it’s always gonna be Stefan (dare we say echo, echo,echo?). All Elena could think about was the here and now, and she cares about Damon, which is why she had to let him go (Mom, didn’t you say she wouldn’t lose ‘him’, she’d set him free?) Maybe if she and Damon had met first (uh-oh). Maybe (ouch, that hurt). Elena tried to reassure him he was gonna be fine, okay, and she would see him soon (just as PsychoRic walked up behind him). Real soon, GOODBYE Elena. Psycho was still pissed and Goldilocks gave him the slip. Which got Damon decked for his snarkiness.

HOWLING REPORTED IN THE WOODS NEAR LOCKWOOD ESTATE

Caroline made it to the Lockwood Cellar of Werewolf Changing and Candlelight Sex in desperate search of Tyler. She was in frantic tears worried about him. Oh, God, he’s there and she clenched him in an unbreakable embrace. Tyler apologized, he was just with Bonnie (hmmm). Caroline choked out, “Klaus died!” through her tears. Tyler eye rolled. A lot (double hmmm). Presuming to suck it up, Tyler told her she was gonna be fine (is this ‘gonna be fine’ The Lying Game this epi or what?), but she was only worried about him. Tyler put on a brave (if not his own) face and told her he was a lost cause, but she was strong, and she had a beautiful future ahead of her (did these flowery phrases sound not so Tyler-like?).

When she makes it through this ordeal, she was supposed to tell his mother he left town like he was supposed to. It’s not NICE to lie to your mother! Caroline only nodded, and they exchanged sloppy wet kisses and hugs like it was their last (why did Tyler have such a look of ecstasy on his face, like it was his first time? The hmmms are humming up in here).

Time for the theatrics of death throes! Tyler started retching, cramping, and bone-breaking. When the first wave was over, he turned, gripping his chest, and asked Car if she felt anything. No, she cried, she felt fine. Thus keeping the ruse of Salvatore Sire intact. Tyler wanted her out of there, didn’t want her to watch him die. Like with his first transformation, Caroline wasn’t gonna let him go through it alone. As the next wave of twisty pain overtook him, he choked out for her to run, or he’d make her run! When the transformation really started to kick in…um, she ran! (OSM #5)

Once out of hybrid land, Car called Elena to give her the More Bad News. Matt, not possessed of super-hearing, wanted to know what now? They were still on the road back to Mystic Falls. It’s Tyler, he’s dot, dot, dot. DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! This isn’t how their lives were supposed to be! Poor Powerless Matty!

THE ORIGINAL SAGE OF MYSTIC FALLS SPEAKS

Meanwhile, Bex had magically homing-beaconed her way to Elijah In The Woods. Clueless meets Classy to compare notes. Bex apparently still hadn’t figured out that gossip in Mystic Falls travels quicker than even her Original vampspeeding stilettos, as she tearfully told Elijah that Klaus was history. Tyler Lockwood is dead (oh, reeeeally?), but the rest survived.

We could almost hear the wheels turning in Elijah’s ancient brain. He always gets to give out the good deets, ya know! He shoulda been the one they named ‘Sage’! Rebekah had told him that Niklaus turned the Salvatore bloodline (she thought), it wasn’t Elijah, it wasn’t Kol. Bex volunteered it wasn’t her, either, she was SURE it was Niklaus! Then how are they still alive? Ooh, ooh, ooh * jumping up and down*, we know!

MEETING OF THE MYSTIC ORDER OF BADASSERY

And along came Bonnie, dread-walking into the Lockwood Cellar of You-Know. She knows who’s there? Out of the shadows swaggered Tyler (Taus, Kyler, Tausler–we have four months to come up with a good mash-up) with a totally different ‘tude. ‘You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m tellin you why.

Tyler-Klaus is comin to town!’ He “must say, you did that spell brilliantly; I didn’t think you had it in you.” How very British of him! She did it to save her friends and her mom, not for Klaus (WHAT? We thought this might be coming-OSM #6). The Spirits can be unhappy all they want, they’re NOT telling Bonnie what to do anymore. She’s DONE being pushed around by them, the vampires, the Originals, all of them! She did it because SHE wanted to. Take that! She’s Dark Bonnie with her own agenda!

ONE-CAR FATALITY IS A DEAL BREAKER

After Bex and Elijah had put their old heads together, Bex called Stefan while he was on his way home from the woods. She congratulated him on still being alive, and gave him Matt and Elena’s 4-1-1 back in town any minute. Elijah had already told Stef that, and that the two of them would also be long gone by now? Well, that’s the problem. Elijah said they had to run from Hunter PsychoRic, but Bex was tired of running. What about their deal? Klaus’ death negated the deal, and if Bex and the OrigiBros (new rock band?) were gonna survive, they had to get rid of PsychoRic, and the only way to do that……where was she calling from again?

Oh, yeah. Standing in the middle of the road that Matt and Elena were driving down, swapping dead cell phones. No way, Bex! Stef was desperate. Southern Gentleman Matty with quarterback reflexes looked up just in time to swerve The Beater to avoid Bex. Right off what we could only presume was Wickery Bridge. This IS history repeating, after all. (OSM #7)

As we slowly bid a fond farewell to The Beater filling with water, Elena began to hallucinate. Dad? DAD! In quick murky succession, she saw the past all flash before her eyes. Her dad trying to reassure her it was gonna be fine (to be continued…)

We interrupt this confusing sadness for a little pummeling and bleeding by Lost Cause of the Week Number Two, Damon, letting PsychoRic kick the shit out of him at PortaStorage. What was the point in fighting back, Ric? He’d given up (Psycho is too invincible BAMF, his ‘girl’ had apparently chosen Little Brother, he might expire from Klausification, his world was goin to shit, why not go out in a blaze of self-pity?). DON’T CALL HIM RIC! That whole BFF (bottle friends forever) thing had forestalled Ric’s inevitable evolution into breaking through to all the badass he could be. And now he was gonna break Damon. Let’s all flashback with our hemorrhaging anti-hero back to our first glimpse into Mystic Falls.

It was an eerie night, lit by the full moon. There was a body lying in the road. Lying in wait for an unsuspecting stranger to munch on. Crickets. The gorgeous roadkill playing possum heard The Voice. It was sophomoric Elena, talking to Bonnie on her cell whilst waiting for The ‘Rents to pick her up. She just couldn’t bring herself to tell him (Matt, she wasn’t feelin the love). She was startled when she looked up from her phone to hear a lusty, “Katherine.” No, she’s Elena. At first off-balance, Damon quickly recovered his come hither charm by telling her she just REALLY reminded him of someone.

[We feel a song comin on, Bob Seger]

On a long and lonesome highway
East of Mystic Falls
You can listen to the crickets
moanin’ out this one note song
You can think about the woman
or the girl you knew the century before….

DIDN’T ELENA’S MOTHER EVER TELL HER NOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS (unless they have looks that could kill, literally, in more ways than one)? Damon introduced himself, but it WAS kinda creepy [here I am, on the road again--STOP THAT!] he was out there all alone, but so was she. Nothing bad ever happens in Mystic Falls. Au contraire, m’dear! Awkward stranger silence was broken by Elena explaining she got into a fight with her boyfriend. Damon wiped the ‘I’m thinking about lunch’ look off his face to engage in a little ‘may I ask about what’ repartee.

Life, future, Matt had it all mapped out. Damon said the words she was afraid to say herself, she didn’t want it. She didn’t know what she wanted. But he contradicted her, that she wanted what everybody wants. Don’t flirt with the Mysterious Devil, Elena! He’d been around a long *cough cough* time and learned a few things (oh, when he does the pouty-lip thing!). Ya know, they had the eye-sex going from the minute it was ON! What is it that she wants? (This is an important speech, peeps, listen up!) Elena was spellbound.

“You want a love that consumes you. You want passion, and adventure, and even a little danger.” What does he want? Beep-beep. Go AWAY, Grayson and Miranda, it was just getting good! DAMMIT! Last compulsion of the season, Damon told her he wanted her to get everything that she’s looking for.

But right now, he wanted her to forget that ‘this’ happened. He couldn’t have people knowing he was in town yet. Goodnight, Elena. So she DID meet him first. How opportune of Damon to remember this as he lay bleeding out. (OSM #8)

New resolve arose against the Invincible Psycho in the present? That all you got? Nope, he had Stake 2.0 and was about to use it when Damon kicked his hand out of the way and started fighting back.

ROLLING IN THE DEEP

Where were we in Elena’s short and unfortunate life wetly flashing before her eyes? Oh, yes. Elena struggled to get the door open, or the window down, or anything, as they were both now completely submerged and losing precious bubbles of air. Much like Grayson did with Miranda floating motionless in her seat three years earlier. The desperate attempts seemed fruitless, and Grayson and Elena clasped hands, resolved to their fates with a sorrowful nod and I Love You. As the grip loosened, WE saw not The Beater, but the Gilbert Family vehicle submerged in the inky water.

At the window of The Beater appeared a face, just as it had three years earlier. Stefan. Grayson had implored him with his emotions to save Elena. Stefan ripped off Matt’s door, and reached out for Elena. With her last gasp and desperation in her eyes, she begged Stefan to take Matt. He did. One lone bubble escaped from her lips, her eyes closed, and she was floating. Waaaaaaa! (OSM #9)

Since Damon had resolved to fight back against PsychoRic, the battle raged on at PortaStorage. Both had deathgrip holds around each other’s necks, when Ric, yes A.L.A.R.I.C. squeezed out, “What’s happening? Damon!” As he fell to his knees with a bewildered Damon grasping him in a desperate man-hug, the realization dawned. Ric breathed his last with Damon cradling his head and crying out, “You’re not dead!” He knew. Not only was his friend dead, that meant….NOOOOOOOO! (OSM #10)

At the Gilbert House, Jeremy was leaving a frantic voicemail for Matt, since they should have been back by then! Um, Jeremy. You see dead people? There was Alaric, standing in the hall. He was clueless as to how he got there, he just wanted to say goodbye and it kinda of happened. Ric? Jeremy was slow to catch on. Ric just wanted him to know he’d always be there to look after him, that he’d never be alone. He promised. (OSM #11) You’re a ghost? If you’re dead, that means Elena…

…was on a slab in the morgue (amazingly dry for a drowning victim, may we say), with Stefan mourning silently over her beautiful corpse. Damon came busting into the hospital, demanding to know where Elena was from Dr. Meredith. Wait! Wait! Meredith needed to tell him that when Jeremy brought Elena in earlier Meredith had LIED about the concussion.

Jeremy had been so worried Meredith didn’t want to tell him how serious it really was. Elena had a cerebral hemorrhage, bleeding on the brain. And Meredith “helped” her (she cheats, remember). YOU WHAT!?