Mystic Falls Messenger: TVD Recap Episode 3.16 “1912

Mystic Falls Messenger

In 1912, 1517 souls were lost when R.M.S. Titanic struck an iceberg and sank within the icy waters of the north Atlantic. Those weren’t the only souls lost that year…

Editor’s note: Spot the hats and animal references! HAT’S off to Ruthie for being sly as a FOX getting this week’s screencaps! Let’s let the CAT out of the bag, shall we? What this town needs is a good Haberdasher!

FUNKY HATS AND FUZZY ANIMALS–SERIAL SLASHER STILL AT LARGE

Dateline 1912–It was a dark and ominous night, the clock tower tolled, a rickety Model T crept by, a dog barked in the distance as Mr. Zachariah Salvatore and Sheriff Gerald Forbes, wearing simple felt hats discussed the weather. One (unnamed) councilman’s murder doesn’t make an epidemic indeed! On his walk home, Mr. Salvatore was attacked and killed by a Slasher! That was a short unfortunate guest spot–more later.

Dateline Present Day–Sheriff Liz Forbes committed a never-before seen in Mystic Falls feat this week by actually keeping a secret! Try as she might, Mayor Carol Lockwood was unable to FERRET out the identity of The Serial Slasher suspect following the murders of two council members and one attempted murder. Wouldn’t want to accuse the innocent!

Ric woke up from a “dead sleep” in a jail cell (a plain, old, ordinary one! lol). Liz might not tell Carol anything, but Damon knew! He was there arguing in his bro-buddy’s defense. The facts: Ric went for crazy Meredith with a knife he found hidden in her things, then she used vampire blood (Damon’s, we presume), to revive him. The outrage! Ric’s one of the victims! Well of course Dr. Crazy told Liz the wounds could have been self-inflicted. All Liz had to go on was a murder weapon from Ric’s own stash, and a Founding Family member pointing a very long finger! Framed! Liz didn’t have proof, but Detective Damon’s gonna find some! Don’t make me put you in that cell with him (sounded just like a Mom, didn’t she?)!

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

Back on the mean streets of Mystic Falls, Elena and Matt were out for a leisurely *cough cough* jog. She can’t outrun her problems, or Matt’s announcement about her friends. Abby decided to complete her vampire transition at the Cutesy Cottage (is that her “home”?) with Bonnie, and Caroline was gonna help. Car will teach her the Stefan Tutorial BUNNY Diet Course. Bonnie knows it’s not Elena’s fault, but Elena thinks differently! Just in time to stop more running, Sheriff Liz called to announce Ric’s arrest!

SARCASM SETS THE WORLD RIGHT

Elena “ran” straight over to the jail, right into Damon–cue the fuzzy animal jokes! At first he said he was staying out of Ric’s mess, and of course Elena argued with him, it’s what they do best! He could rip out Dr. False Accusation’s throat, or maybe her tongue, chew it up in little tiny pieces and feed it to the SQUIRRELS (bwahaaa on the squirrel impression). Him staying out of it doesn’t sound nearly as funny! Oh, yeah, you’re welcome for him saving your life last night, Elena! She wanted him to show some compassion about Bonnie–they must be hurting, should he send lasagna? I’m mean, you hate me, the Earth is back on it’s axis. Strange “I’m processing” look when Elena told him if he kept pushing people away he was gonna end up alone.

DON’T PLAY TAPS UNTIL THE FUNERAL’S OVER

A very antsy Stefan was at home fidgeting with diary writer’s block (ah, we feels your pain!)–does tapping your daylight ring on the table really help? lol “Dear Diary, A CHIPMUNK asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever.” We spewed! Damon was in rare form, suggesting they bond, hang out, team up, “activate their Wonder Twin powers”, to dig up clues to solve the whodunit. CSI: Mystic Falls. Dontcha need a flashlight and a reflective vest? Better yet, call Crimestoppers! Damon dug through Stef’s Bookshelf of Forlorn Journals looking for a singularly vague year–ah, yes, 1912! They both came back to town for the Uncle Zachariah’s funeral–there were two Founder’s council members killed in less than a month. Doesn’t that strike you as familiar, Stef?

1912–THE LAST TIME MYSTIC FALLS HAD A SERIAL KILLER ON IT’S HANDS

Dateline 1912–Scene, The Salvatore Tomb, surrounded by mourners. In hats. Two stuffy women in black approached Stefan, hat in hand, to express sympathy for “distant cousin Zachariah”. Stefan had not been back to town in a looooooong time, and corrected their lineage–his “nephew” actually. Bwahaaa! Marianna Lockwood and her friend Samantha Gilbert (granddaughter of the late, great Jonathan Gilbert)–yes, Stefan crossed paths with him back in the day! He asked these two total strangers for the details of Zachariah’s death–gossip is always the best medicine! He was murdered, and he wasn’t the first. Marianna and Samantha argued that Stefan should know, after all, he’s a Founding Family, like them! Did that make him a target or dot, dot, dot?

Cue the CROW! Heeeeeere’s Damon! Does this BOWLER hat make me look like I have a stick up my ass? After almost 50 years apart, the brothers still snarked at each other about eating the relatives, “Uncle” Zachariah, accusations of who killed who and eternal existence…let’s grab a drink and catch up! Echo, echo, echo, echo

Dateline Present Day–Wanna go get drunk? This time Damon extended the invitation–Stef thought Damon was bored since his drinking buddy was in jail! Well, maybe Damon could pique Stefan’s interest in helping solve the murders!

THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL

Appetizer of Rebekah hunting down Ye Olde Replacement White Oak tree from Women’s Libber Self-Important Lockwood Historian Carol. A dash of flattery always works with her! Big old trees built the town in the 1900s, so you may be sitting in it! High in fiber! Spice it up with The Salvatore Brothers arrival to a snarky she-devil comment and The Eye Thing. Or try the logging mills being owned by The Salvatores. That kinda ruined Bex’ appetite.

Soup of the day–Medical Examiner Brian Walters, Bill Forbes, and Alaric Salzman Founder’s Council Stew. Tap the table lightly, Stefan, lest you spoil the stew! Going cold TURKEY after a Ripper binge might not be the best approach! Add in a touch of bourbon and moderation. Is it Founder’s Council or Founding Family that’s the secret ingredient? They’re two very different things! At least in 1912 there was a dead Salvatore in the stew! Well, maybe Rebekah should stir the pot!

Try the goulash–Zachariah was actually The Bros’ nephew? Giuseppe knocked up one of the maids during the Civil War (pious player!) and she had a son. Since Damon and Stefan were technically dead, the family name had to go somewhere? That’s really warped if you think about it, because Giuseppe had to have done the deed while they were still human–I mean, Stefan killed him right after they turned. Rebekah was still stuck on the appetizer–The Salvatores owned the logging mills back then? Questions, questions! Don’t disguise your motives, Bex. If you want more sex, just ask for it! Bwahaaa! Not enough liquor in the world! Come on! It was too good for you to be this hostile!

Jonesing for some O-Positive? Not on the menu, Stefan! Our fearsome threesome debated whether the 1912 killer was actually a vampire. Me? Not me! You? Thought about it! Not Stef’s style! There weren’t any other vampires around back then, oh wait…..Sage (speaking of great sex).

POINT COUNTERPOINT REDEAUX

Meanwhile, over at the Jail–What was Ric’s motivation if he’s The Slasher? The 60 Minutes Andy Rooney and Shana Alexander team of Alaric and Liz argued the question through jail bars. Point Liz: Both the M.E. and Bill had been in scrapes with Meredith before they were killed. Meredith claimed Rick witnessed her fight with Brian Walters. AND that she told Ric that Bill threatened to turn her in to the Medical Board for giving him vampire blood.

Counterpoint Alaric: He barely knew Meredith at the time, why would he defend her honor? Ric vehemently denied any knowledge of the Medical Board threat–an alchy should never vehemently deny anything!

Point Liz: Phone records don’t lie, Ric talked to Meredith for over an hour the night Bill was killed. Oh, yeah, the drunk-dial call at 2 a.m.

Point Liz: What’s Ric’s alibi for the night Brian was killed?

Counterpoint Alaric: Liz saw him at the Bridge Fundraiser until midnight!

Point Liz: Time of death was between 1 and 3 a.m. Um, I was home sleeping?

WHAT TO DO AFTER A FUNERAL IN 1912

Get drunk and go watch women box for money, of course! You couldn’t just pop in a DVD for entertainment! Sage apparently also invented the lap dance, too–$100 to any man who could beat her–stuffed that Benjamin right in Damon’s pants! CLASSIFIEDS: Tall muscular red-headed vamp (in more ways than one) in a onesie seeking stick up the ass junior vampire for a good time–call me! Stef extolled the virtues of living without human blood, Mr. Damon Not Interested walked off. He decided to go “gambling” with Sage!

WAS THE 1912 SLASHER A WOMAN?

Speaking of Sage, when we last left The Grill, Rebekah remembered Sage from 900 or so years ago when she had a “thing” for Finn. Blech! Hey, Mystic Falls would never have suspected a woman of killing men back in the day!

DEFENSE AS AN OFFENSE

Elena ambushed Meredith in the hospital parking lot to defend Alaric. Make it quick, Meredith was due in surgery (as in, occupied for a few hours?!). Well, she didn’t actually defend him, he was innocent in Elena’s mind! She lives with him, he takes care of her, but did she really know him? Meredith laid it all out. (Geez, can we not have enough backstory this week?!) Ric was arrested for fighting 4 times before he was 21. His future wife, Isobel, took out 2 separate restraining orders on him, but then married him anyway (apparently a dumb move in Meredith‘s mind). Elena took pity on a borderline alcoholic vampire hunter and never thought to look any deeper. Nosey much, Meredith? Aren’t you glad she’s not checking YOU out on Match.com? Elena stood her ground and Meredith did an SMH. “You date vampires, Elena. It shouldn’t come as a shock to learn that your guardian is a murderer.” We suspect Elena is making an investigative plan!

TWO’S A PARTY, THREE’S A CROWD

Easy, there lushy pants-it’s Boy’s Night and you weren’t invited! Back at The Grill, Damon and Stefan ceremoniously dumped Bex, grabbed a bottle and TWO glasses, and tried to leave her questions behind by playing darts. A manly sport. The BULLSEYE was on Sage–if she was the killer back in 1912, who the hell’s doing it now–no way could psycho Dr. Fell stab 3 grown men. Bex was back (they just can’t shake her), Stefan was grumpy, and Damon was smirking–sexists can’t fathom a woman could kill with the right motivation! Bex told Stef he was a LOT more fun in the 20s, before the whole Master Cleanse self-righteous phase. Let’s read a passage from the 1912 journal Damon so conveniently brought with them to the bar! Bex decided Damon wasn’t much fun back then, either! He wasn’t having any fun at ALL, considering The Love of His Undead Life *cough cough* was stuck in a tomb and not getting out for a hundred years….(Oh, Lord, we’re gonna flash back–Let‘s do the timewarp again!)

MATT DONOVAN: PORTRAIT OF A NOVICE CRIMINAL

CRIMESTOPPERS: Matt Donovan and his accomplice Elena Gilbert were taken to the proverbial station this week on charges of breaking and entering–is petty theft far behind? Meredith caught them like DEER in the headlights searching her apartment–too bad that surgery didn’t have complications! All those damn Founders were closet hoarders! When’s the last time you rented an apartment with the stipulation there was a secret hidey-hole? We KNOW the rules from watching procedurals you can’t use evidence obtained illegally–EPIC FAIL! They found files on Brian Walters, Bill Forbes, and a real thick one on Alaric, complete with a mystery Gilbert Journal (those things breed like RABBITS!). Matt found a letter–wasn’t the M.E.’s time of death between 1 & 3 a.m.? The County Coroner said that was WRONG! Liz already had a letter correcting the time of death of Brian Walters. One that Meredith conveniently received, brought to Liz several hours before the break in, with apologies for accusing an innocent man (Ric). The fact that Matt found a copy of the same letter in the closet was moot, since they BROKE IN to get it! Liz released the two young offenders, and told them Ric would be released as soon as the letter was authenticated. Hmmmm.

MAKE ‘EM BEG

Over in the timewarp, Sage watched Damon feed off an unnamed lady-snack. How sad! He’s doing it all wrong! Not to rehash the promo too much, but Damon didn’t need a woman for pleasure–he was SPOKEN for! Ah, aren’t we all, in some way. Sage wanted to “show” him how to relish in the pleasure of being a vampire. Back to the boxing tent–okay, so it was 2 brutes this time. Ho-hum. Look at the crowd. Not the strumpets–they’re too hungry for attention (a ho is a ho, after all!). Watch the ones who button themselves up, who can’t tear their eyes away from the violence. THOSE are the women who secretly crave seduction, wanting it, begging for it–did we just see the birth of The Eye Thing? What if they don’t beg for it? He’s a vampire. Take it….swoon. With Sage’s prodding, Damon selected a “victim”.

TAP TAP TAPPING ON JONESES’ DOOR

While the sniping between Damon and Bex continued at the Grill, Stefan returned to the tap dancing (well, ring tapping) and was itching to leave. Not till you admit you’re Jonesing, Brother! I’m ready to eat the entire wait staff, okay!? Why do I have to say it? Damon was feeling a little self-righteous, too!

Stef stormed out of the Grill, with Bex and Damon tailing behind. Bex didn’t understand Stef feeling guilty about taking human blood–she liked him so much better in the 20s when he didn’t give a flip! Damon deemed him determined to live his life from one extreme to the other. Stubborn ASS! Let’s fix Stef (oh, these plans always backfire)! Shades of Season 1, Damon flirtatiously confronted a passing nameless blonde–you’re just so pretty–SCORE! You’re about to have a very, very bad night (well, that’s all in your point of view, wouldn’t you say? lol) Compel, eat, erase! Well, here was the hitch.

Yes, the smell of fresh 98.6 got Stef’s attention. Dinnertime! Damon tried the tough-love plan to get the MONKEY off Stef’s back since he couldn’t go cold TURKEY without blood. Just like Stefan tempting the transitioning Damon back in 1864, that stream of luscious plasma running down Nameless’ neck almost did the trick, but righteous Stefan held back. Up the ante! Drink or Rebekah can have her! Want to save an innocent life, Stef? Save her! Drink! I snatched you eat, I’ll erase–hell, Damon would even heal her for Stef after! Just do it! Afraid of The Rippah inside, even with Damon professing to stop him before he went too far, Stef continued to resist, but the minute Bex barred her fangs–it was all over but the swallowing! Damon excused Bex–nobody likes a lurker! And pried Stef off Nameless before he bled her dry. You wanna fight hunger or you wanna fight me! So Damon chomped his own wrist and started healing Nameless–who were those two shadowy figures in the background?

Why, it was Matty and Elena, fresh off their release from the police station. Oh, the Horror! With the evidence of Nameless running down Stef’s chin, he couldn’t very well deny he’d been feeding. Elena was AGHAST! (Well, duh, he IS a vampire, as everybody this week kept reminding her!) Damon tried to explain it away as a little experiment. Always The Rock, Matty just dragged Elena away from the scene of the crime. Stefan looked mortified. Damon tried to downplay the situation–soooooo, that’s gonna take a little time, hey wait! Stefan, Come back!

THE ROCK OF GIBRALTAR

Editorial note: Some people *ahem* should always remain human for the betterment and safety of mankind. Just sayin. Matt escorted Elena home and made tea. So domestic and thoughtful. Time for a little heart-to-heart. In the beginning, after her ‘rents died, it felt safe being with Stefan. Safe! He’s a vampire! (told ya) It was like she knew Stef would never stop loving her, that he would never………..die (he was already dead). Like her parents did. And Damon? He just kinda got under her skin, and somehow she just can’t shake him. “Once you fall in love with someone, I don’t know if you can ever shake ‘em (speaking from experience, Matt?). *wink* Elena felt it was weird, talking about her Salvatoreo and love with him. No, not really. *wink wink* Matt diplomatically changed the subject. He got her something. Remember what we reported about petty theft being next on his rap sheet? When you’re the only normal one in a town full of vampires, it’s easy to become invisible *wink wink wink* (especially when Meredith and an idiot deputy were too busy questioning Elena to pay attention). Matt had lifted the Mystery Gilbert Journal out of the evidence and gave it to Elena–it’s her family’s, she should have it. Man, was this convo loaded with double meanings or WHAT?!

About this time, Ric arrived back home, exonerated from his crimes. Elena rushed into his arms (zoom in on the Gilbert ring). He was okay, but he was clearly troubled.

ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT

Damon arrived back at Stately Salvatore Manor, to find Stef brooding in front of the fireplace. He told Stef Sheriff Forbes let Ric go and was fresh out of suspects again–he’s in the clear! No reaction. Let’s get serious. It may not seem like it, but Damon told Stef he did really well holding off with Nameless. Hey, before you know it, he’ll be the King of Moderation! No reaction. Elena will understand! That got a reaction. It didn’t really matter what Elena thinks. None of that! No more No Humanity Stefan! We’re on the Road to PerditionRecovery! Stef’s turn to agitate–why does Damon care? Why the bonding and getting Elena to hate you? Feel guilty about kissing her? Please! It was easier when Damon hated Stefan–is it so hard for Stefan to believe Damon’s trying to help him? “I don’t need your help.” Does he remember the last time he said that? Timewarp

Sage was in the ring again, with Damon attempting to pass on what he’d learned from her to Stefan, who still thought of the snacks as people. Apparently he’d forgotten how good it felt to drain somebody dry–that it was all worth it. So Damon passed along Sage’s pleasure wisdom, and even targeted a female “victim” for them. Let the past be the past! Have a drink with me, brother. (there’s that damn echo, echo, echo again!)

But outside, with their victim in Stefan’s arms, he got greedy. Ooh, the sound effects, ooh, the fangs, ooh, the gore, oops, the head! OMG what have I done! Damon was apparently unaware of Stefan’s appetite, and how it would end up! Off with her head! What did you DO to me?! You can stop. I can help you. “I don’t need your help!”

PINGBACK TO THE FUTURE PRESENT!

Founder’s Council killer had nothing on Stefan. By the end of that decade they were calling him The Ripper of Monterrey (we’ve heard that tale before!). Damon let him walk away then, and didn’t do anything to stop him. He just didn’t want to then, but he wants to now. Damon vowed to be there every second, every day, to pull Stefan back from the edge until he doesn’t need him anymore. Why? ‘Cause right now, he’s all Damon’s got. *sniff*

JUICY FAMILY SECRETS

Sometime after Matty left, Elena was perusing The Mystery Gilbert Journal, and Ric interrupted her reading to tell her how grateful he was for everything she did to get him freed. He’s the one that’s supposed to be looking after her, and if he sucks at it…they agreed to take care of each other. Awwww! Deal. What’s she reading? Oh, just an old family journal. She finding any juicy family secrets? Hard to tell. At first she thought it had been Jonathan’s, but as it turns out, it was his grand-daughter Samantha’s. Apparently went just as cra-cra as he did. Good night! Happy reading! Dun, dun, dun.

Stefan apparently got busy rummaging through the family archives (what, do they have an entire Presidential Library full of this stuff? None of it’s on disk! Where are they hiding it?) from the early 1900s. He’s a speedreader, too! He’d killed Damon’s buzz, and NOW he wants to be helpful? Okay, better’n being mad at each other. They never arrested anybody for the 1912 murders, but they DID get a confession ten years later. Samantha Gilbert. They assumed she was crazy and locked her up in an asylum–she was a Founder, and they liked to look out for their own, so the trail ended there. Okay, that’s very weird. Damon could SWEAR he’d killed her before then! The plot thickens!

DON’T ANSWER THE DOOR LATE AT NIGHT

Ric DID answer the late-night knock at the door–and LET MEREDITH IN! What a fool! She shot him, she had him thrown in jail, and then she had him freed? She did it for him (yeah, right, and I’ve got swampland in Louisiana)–she forged the Coroner’s note to clear his name–they won’t look at him again. He had no reason, but she needed him to trust her! Well, we don’t! She just wanted to explain! Elena was upstairs, again reading Samantha’s journal, “I don’t feel like myself. I’m losing time, as though I’m going mad.”

So Stefan was working this out…Damon thinks Samantha’s still alive, running around MF killing Founders? Nope, if she was a vampire they’d know about it, right? She was a Gilbert, maybe she had a ring that brought her back to life? Those rings were passed on through the generations. Damon made sense–even if she had a ring, she wouldn’t be alive today, she’d be ancient! Stef thought out loud. Jonathan Gilbert only made two of those rings. Jeremy’s wearin one of them and the other one is…uh-oh.

Over at Explanation Central, Meredith had crime scene photos, and was explaining to Ric that the victims WERE killed with Ric’s weapons. It was a stake, not a vampire. Yeah, but Ric was attacked! With his OWN knife! A wound that coulda been self-inflicted (well, Jenna did it once). He would know if he was killing people, right? Ric got outraged and confused. Has he had any blackouts or instances of lost time (he DOES drink to excess, ya know?)? He told Meredith she was insane. No, but maybe YOU ARE. Ric wears a ring that lets him cheat death. How many times can he die before it changes him? Ric hadta sit down on that one. Meredith thought he was sick, and she wanted to help him. It happened before, almost a hundred years ago. Enter Elena. “Ric, I think she’s right.” Last timewarp of the night–replay of Zachariah’s death–at the hand of someone wearing a Gilbert Ring–zoom to the killer’s face, and it’s Samantha!

TV GUIDE’S FIRST LOOK AT THE VAMPIRE DIARIES POSTER FOR PALEYFEST 2012

The Vampire Diaries panel at PaleyFest is this weekend, March 10th at the Saban Theatre in Beverly Hills (remember: you will be able to watch it via livestream) and TV Guide has the first lookat the limited edition PaleyFest poster. Festival attendees will have a chance at purchasing the poster at the event itself and any remaining posters will be for sale afterwards at Gallery 1988. Only 300 prints will be available.

Click the image to see a larger version of the poster at TV Guide. And let us know what you think of the poster in the comments.

20TH ANNUAL ELTON JOHN AIDS FOUNDATION ACADEMY AWARDS VIEWING PARTY

NEW SEASON 3 PROMOTIONAL PHOTOS OF CANDICE ACCOLA

 

Mystic Falls Messenger: TVD Recap Episode 3.15 “All My Children

Mystic Falls Messenger

As the world turns around all my children, the guiding light of another world dawns on the young and the restless. Who’s hiding in our general hospital? Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives. (Sue me!) No, Toto, we’re not in Pine Valley anymore!

Editor’s note: Ruthie is trying really hard not to crash the site with too many screencaps–made all the easier this week by SO MANY DARK CAVE SCENES! Smoochies to Ruthie–she’s a trooper!

COLD FRONT SWEEPS THROUGH MYSTIC FALLS

The weather took a turn toward the icy following The Big Ball, on apparently the longest day of the year in Mystic Falls. Elena met the sun in bed (with mini-Woobie, we might add) after an obviously fitful night. Desperate for worship, her first phone call was to Stefan, who was up writing in his DIARY? [We thought they’d done away with those.] Stef ignored her straight to voicemail (I‘m having a heat wave for your brother but I HAVE to talk you since our little heart-to-heart on The Porch of Truth). It’s getting COLD up in here! The sloppy second call went to Damon–ah, Bex was in bed with the Big Woobie! What?! I‘m busy getting (READ: getting busy) over you with your worst enemy; don‘t call here again! Click. Wrong move, Elena. Guess you need to find a new phone-sex buddy! Ten calls is not enough!

Elena got dressed and stomped over to Stately Salvatore Manor. Just in time to catch Bex being escorted to the door by half-naked Damon. They were agreeing on their sleepover being no big, but Rebekah expected to at least get a second date out of it. Don’t hold your breath, and don‘t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. ELENA-BUSTED! Bex looked like she just put another notch in her garter belt. Damon looked busted. Elena looked…..incredulous. Brrrr! It’s sleeting daggers!

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Eager Beaver’s Tailors. You rend it, we mend it. We Make House Calls.

DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

In a futile attempt to not stare at Damon while he put his shirt on, Elena figured SURELY Damon was off this vervain and compelled to ravage Bex. Don’t call him Shirley, he wasn’t compelled, he’ll have a little bourbon breakfast of champions, and maybe it’s NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, ELENA! Moving right along! Elena filled him in on the great and wonderful Esther plan linking all the Originals, since he missed it by whoring around! Winna, winna, chicken dinna! Maybe Elena tried to work the jealousy angle here–she didn’t want ALL of them dead, what about her fave, Elijah? Oh, and maybe Damon might actually care about the wench he just defiled? [This could turn out to be Damon’s best undiabolical strategy to-date--Elena was actually acting jealous! And he drunk-stumbled into it!] Hold up! Two seconds ago Elena was pissed that Rebekah attacked her 48 hours earlier. It’s a win-win. Frown. Don’t do anything to screw this up, Elena. Stef snuck in; he was always such an eavesdropper. Damon’s right, you know. Klaus has to die. They all do. Democracy in action. Two against one! Elena barged past Damon in a huff, spilling his drink on the way to the door. She didn’t like being outvoted in this majority rules!

SCANDALOUS STRUMPET OUT ALL NIGHT

Our Society Column recounts the remnants of The Big Ball. Rebekah arrived home THE NEXT MORNING to the heckling of Kol. Klaus tried to stay out of the fray, sketching creepy crush-boy drawings of Caroline and horses (Ewww! He‘s worse than a GIRL!). At least The Strumpet‘s having fun! Kol wanted to go have fun, but not alone (what’s up with these clingy Originals?). He guilted Nik into going with him (hey, you daggered me in the heart, you owe me a good time!) Coerced into day drinking–Klaus didn’t get enough booze at the party, what with Kol trying to murder Bex’ human date and all. Bex practically threw them out (This house has enough men rolling around in it!), but not without one last Kol parting shot (Just like you, Bekkah!) Good riddance.

Unlike his crass brothers, Elijah came in to discuss his worries about Esther’s strange behavior with Bex. She totally defended Mom’s position. You try being dead for a thousand years and you’d be strange, too! Elijah pondered the burned sage from Esther’s privacy spell, whist Bex suggested he ask Mama’s little pet Finn what was up? Elijah doesn’t trust Finn (smart vamp), since he always hated what they are. Rebekah’s so EASY–she thinks Mom returned for one reason, to make the family whole. She loves them. What trouble is Elijah looking to find? (Don’t ask the question if you can’t stand the dot, dot, dot)

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE GIGOLO

Not really, but made ya look, didn’t we? We’re saving up our exposé on the Bennett family until all the facts are in–like how come all the females have the same last name, where’s Bonnie’s dad/what is HIS last name, and who’s house is Bonnie living in? Bonnie tried to duplicate the sage privacy spell in her bedroom while Elena carried on-and-on about Damon being proud of his romp with Bex. Can you hear me now? Yes, not only could our reporter eavesdrop from outside, but Caroline heard from the hall–no, it’s NOT working, she heard all about Damon the Vampire Gigolo. Bonnie went all “you brought this whack-job spell in here“–we need more (cowbell) smoke! Car went back out to “check” if more smoke was working. Oh, and if Elena was done ranting, she might be interested to know Ester came to visit that morning. Um, Elena’s been venting about Damon and Bonnie forgot to say this because? No worries. Esther wanted to [suck off more power] politely introduce herself, since the Bennett Babes brought her back. Ooh, nasty, can’t Bonnie stop that channeling crap? Like, why? Elena’s guilty conscience Before the Sun and Moon Farce, Elijah found a way to keep her alive. Now the tables are turned and she’s gonna let him die? Doesn’t feel right. Car barged back in. She can STILL hear them! And hey, ELENA’s not doing this. Esther is! Bonnie let them know it was a full moon (what, no calendars?), and Elijah‘s minutes were numbered. We thought Esther said this was going to take TIME, but what‘s a day, give or take? Celestial event, harness energy, Abby invited Bon-Abby to the party! Yays! They totes got snubbed for The Ball!

FAULTLINE REPORTED AT STATELY SALVATORE MANOR

Damon’s ego was busy suckin all the air out of the room (Lord, we’ve missed that!) when he offered Stef a pre-victory toast of 98.6. Extra broody Stef suggested they wait till Klaus was dead maybe? (Ignore) High-five at the way we stood up to Elena! Team Salvatore of the Unwhipped! Musta driven her nuts. Maybe somebody should talk to her so she doesn’t screw things up (as usual). She won’t listen to Damon–possibly the little sleepover pissed her off? Not his fault she got jealous. Oh, yeah, 100% his fault given his choice of wench. Get over it, already! Damon did his bro a favor, now Stef can come in and reclaim what was once his. Martyr Stefan echoed Klaus’ thought that Elena’s better off without BOTH of them. Fine. Neither one of them gets her. Just make sure she doesn’t screw with Esther’s plan. Smacked down one of the tumblers of blood on the end table. Stef eyed it longingly.

EXPLETIVE DELETED–THE WOODSY OWL REPORT

Sometime later in The Day, Elena received a gentleman intruder. Knock, knock. Who’s there? The Suit. The Suit who? The Suit of Shame On You for lying to me! Elijah came to invite Elena to “take a ride” out into the woods. Seen stopping at an undisclosed remote destination, Elena made small talk but it’s history lesson time! We all know how Elijah luuuves to retell history! Her school was built over an Indian village (wait, when did Indians come into this?): saw his first werewolf, Klaus got wild horses to pose nekkid for him, natives worshipped where The Town Square is. Ain’t that incredible? No, it’s boring. Here was the REAL interesting place. A cavern below that boy-Elijah used to play in connected to a system of tunnels. (Woodsy Owl smelled a Lockwood Cave somewhere–owls are smart like that.) The caverns were Nature’s way of providing the Mikaelson’s with shelter against the savagery of the full moon (i.e. werewolves). Elena got nervous and said she should probs go home. Let’s be TOO COOL about being ruthless, Elijah! He admired and valued her lack of deceit and yet, oopsie! SHE LIED TO HIS FACE ABOUT MOM‘S MOTIVES! Mumble, mumble, excuse, excuse–he can hear her heart jump when she lies. Like right now. TRUTH! And they’re not even on The Porch! Elena backpedaled, never wanted this to happen, thought whatever was in the coffin was the Klaus-Killer, and instead it was Esther, yadayadayada. Elena had thought Esther was gonna help find a way to kill Klaus. But Elijah was WAY ahead of her–not just Klaus that she wanted to kill. She wants to kill them all, doesn’t she? Elijah actually mouthed the word F#@K! Elena wished there was something she could do to help. Be careful what you wish for! Elijah stomped a hole in the roof of the cavern, grabbed Elena, and jumped! First Floor–NOT Ladies’ Lingerie! Elijah abandoned Elena with her cell–no, we can’t hear you now because you get NO CELL signal down in that abyss!

THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL

Damon got worried that he hadn‘t heard from Elena since she slopped his drink all over him in a huff. He called Ric, who was, of course, holding up the bar at The Grill. Ric hadn’t seen Elena since morning, when she ratted out Damon’s Original Sexcapades. Can that girl not keep her mouth shut? (we’re saving front page space for her tell-all.) Hey it was “hard” for her not to tell. While she was spilling, did she also tell Ric she was having an attack of conscience about the whole Original Murder thing? Ric was NOT gonna judge her for having a conscience. Well, don’t have to. Just tie her up or lock her in her room till this is all over! Ric wouldn‘t if he could, and he can‘t, he’s busy. With sexy psycho doctor? Nunya. Buh-bye. Just then Damon spied the undrunk tumbler of blood he strategically left to tempt Stefan. Untouched. Suspicious?

Yup, Meredith was day drinking between rounds with Ric, again. Does Damon still think she’s a serial killer? He’s a little judgmental. Isn’t everybody? Subject change. Ric’s conveniently handy medical chart x-rays were inconclusive. Since he heals so damn fast, Meredith couldn’t tell if the attacker was tall, short, left or right-handed, nada. And his CT scan was clear, he sure he can’t remember anything? Maybe there’s a reason. Maybe he was…….COMPELLED! Wait, Meredith thinks The Slasher is a vampire? Well, it’s the only assumption left. You know what they say about assumptions. Speaking of asses, Klaus and Kol sidled up to the bar to defend the New Kids On The Block–don’t look at us if you’ve got a Serial Killer problem! We’re just letting off some steam (while Kol’s making steamy eyes at Meredith).

MANIFEST DESTINY?

The Bennett Babes walked to the tea party with Esther & Son at The Slayboy Mansion/Dust Bunny Hutch. Abby was overheard wondering what Grams would say. She’d say ‘What in HELL are you two doin getting mixed up in vampire shit again!?’ Magnamanous welcome by Ester, with compliments all around. Finn just looked creepy, as usual. Why are they here? Oh, and thanks for the invite to The Ball, it was a GAS (not)! As the descendants of Ayanna, Esther’s bff forever, she channels their entire bloodline, living and dead, but it’s hard to maintain. That’s why she needs them–they are the bloodline made manifest. ‘Tonight, my sistas, we shall bring peace to the spirits of nature that we serve and for that, I thank you.

CLAN OF THE CAVE BITCH

Elena tried to investigate her surroundings lookin for a way out. Well, hell no, Bex is down there guarding her! And she was NOT in the mood to gloat about how good Damon was in the sack (if we remember correctly, Elena’s been TOLD this before *ahem Bree*). If Elena tried to run, Bex got to kill her! Goodie!

REPORTED FAULTLINE REALLY A TIMELINE

Stef went out looking for Elena, and came home to find Elijah warming his cheeks in front of the Stately Salvatore Fireplace (that has it’s own Twitter account, btw! We attempted to get it to put down a bearskin rug, but The Fireplace complained that the bros were always getting bloodstains on it!). We digress. Damon informed Stef that Elijah had Elena. He’s got his thong in a wad, actually she’s with Rebekah. [CATFIGHT!] If The Salvabros wanna [keep Bex from ripping her throat out] save her life, they have to help stop Esther. Damon was embarrassed to admit he’s a little rusty at killing thousand year old resurrected witches. Unfortunately, even when killed, Mom doesn’t want to STAY dead. Plan B? The witches that released Esther (Bon and Abby), she’s drawing power from their bloodline. It needs to be broken. As in curtains! Elijah would do it himself, but he [doesn’t have thumbs] didn’t know where they were. Besides, they’d know if they saw Elijah comin–but those two fools? In any case, they have until 6 minutes after 9 to find them. Synchronize your watches! Because at 9:07 the moon will be full, Mom will be all juiced up, and Elijah’s family dies. If The Bros don’t stop her before then, Rebekah will kill Elena. We all had our timeline, tick tock!

4G CELL SERVICE EXTENDED

Bex, all caught up on technology, took a cell hostage-vid of Elena to inspire The Boyfriends to rescue her. Because SHE had the unlimited data plan and the 4G coverage (that’s why Elena’s phone didn’t work!) Come on, Elena, give us a few bars of ‘stuck in a hole with your biggest fan’! Bex couldn’t decide what she wanted more. To find out the family’s saved or that she had the green light to rip off Elena’s head. Elena tried begging–it wasn’t her fault! Both gals wanted to get rid of Klaus, she didn’t know Esther was demented! Shut up, you cow! Bex had no desire to spend her last few hours of life (?) with a literal back-stabber! Completely annoyed as to why EVERYbody wanted to SAVE ELENA, Bex pronounced her the perfect hostage. But stop whining–she’ll rip off your head!

DON’T CALL AAA FOR A DEAD BATTERY

We caught up with Stef at the basement blood cooler, contemplating a snack. Seriously contemplating. Damon walked in–too busy or you wanna help with the plan? Stef thought they needed to call Bon. Gotta be a way for her to stop Esther from channeling all that power. Damon logic: A) What if she’s with Esther. B) What if she can’t cut her off. C) I don’t know how any of this stuff works. D) Neither do you. They COULD go with simple mechanics. You can’t draw power from a dead battery. Kill ‘em if it comes to that. Stef threw the bloodbag snack to Damon, who took a hit and passed it back (testing, testing). Gotta be another way. Damon did have a less diabolical plan. Voila! Dagger (for Elijah?)! Hey, they’re all linked. If one goes down, they all go down. Problem solved. Will it affect Klaus? Ironically, Klaus isn’t their current problem atm. Dagger’s lethal to any vampire who uses it. Well, Damon had a fool on standby.

EVENING PICK-UPS AND PUT DOWNS AT THE MYSTIC GRILL

The fool on the stool (and on the phone) was Ric. Oh, yeah, Klaus and Kol were still there. Drank up half the liquor in the bar and Ric’s PISSED! But wasted Originals would be easier to divide and conquer, right? Bring on the blonde distraction. Enter Caroline, poppin open her coat to expose her “assets”. Can we just take a moment to say how flawlessly gorgeous Candice Accola looked this week? Flirt monster agrees with her! Anyway, looks were exchanged with Ric as she made her way close to the bar where Kol and Klaus were tossin em back. Kol made a crass remark about Caroline–one more word and Klaus was gonna tear out Kol’s liver (while it‘s still functioning)! Oh, Caroline! Over here, dear! Join us for a drink. Thanks, but no thanks. Me and “The Girls” had enough of you last night! Klaus is smitten, again. [Can Mystic Falls not have more than one set of balls to go around, or what? We are considering a name change to Missy Whipped Falls.] Kol: She certainly looks good walking away from you! Klaus took that as a challenge and hotfooted it outa there after Car.

Outside, Klaus turned on the innocent charm. Hey, it was just a little spat, sit, talk to me! Car jabbed back for him to take himself, his expensive jewelry, his romantic drawings, and a hike! Okay, coy in action, she eventually sat down on a convenient bench with him–talk then, Buster! Klaus wanted to discuss her hopes, dreams, aspirations. Why does he always wax so poetic? Just to be clear, this 18 year old Hotpants is too smart to be seduced by the likes of a bazillion year old Casanova! That’s what he likes about her. She’s a smartass.

SALT SECRETS OF THE WITCH AND SHAMELESS

Spelltime, kiddies! In the clearing outside The Dustbunny Hutch, a giant pentagram represented the connection to magic. Drawn with salt as a symbol of the earth (Salt of the Earth?). Five torches at the star’s apexes represented the 5 remaining Original children. As the witch that cast the spell that made them vampires, Esther can reverse it. When they become human again, they can be killed (okay, that was an unexpected twist–human again?). Since they’re linked as one, psycho Finn will be the sacrificial lamb. Mom’s releasing h m from an eternity of shame. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s a gift. Finn would have made a great priest.

IF AN ORIGINAL FALLS IN THE FOREST, DOES IT MAKE A NOISE?

Inside The Grill, Kol was busy hitting on Meredith at the pool table. Meredith wasn’t buying. He likes pretty little things with sharp tongues. Ric just likes sharp things, too–dagger! Kol dropped. Bex dropped, and Elena ran (we’re still thinking Lockwood Cave connection), Finn dropped. Esther was all whoopsie, something’s wrong! Klaus got cramps, but he didn’t drop. Car shot a glance over at the bar (don‘t clue in Klaus, bimbo!)–OMG! Kol! It was a trick!

Ric dragged Kol out the back to waiting Damon and Stef. WHAM! Ric got a Klaus beat-down (undaggered Kol), and then faced-off with Damon. These two can spew testosterone with the best of them! To paraphrase:

Klaus: I shoulda killed you months ago.

Damon: Do it! Not gonna stop Esther from killing you!

Klaus: What did you say about my mother?

Us: Your mother’s so fat…….

Damon: You didn’t know I was friends with your mummy? She hates you as much as I do!

Us: Please don’t tell us you slept with Klaus’ mother!

Elijah the sane brother interceded. Not yet! They will need Damon. Cellphone in hand, Elijah wanted the tea party location or he would call Bex and have her kill Elena right now. Damon glanced at the clock in the square–wait, we got over a half hour on the timeline yet! Yeah, well, Bex would be more than happy to reach out and touch someone you love early!

Speaking of Bex, she came round from her short, ashy nap to find Elena had flown the coop. Well, even half-dead she could still track her down! Elena fled not so quietly (hell, even WE could track her). Bex caught up to her just as she found what? The Lockwood Cave? Slippery little Eel-ena escaped Bex’ grip and lunged into The Cave with the Coffin. WHAM! You little bitch! Who you callin a bitch, bitch? Sorry, no ticky no vampy! Rebekah can’t come in!

HOUSEKEEPER WANTED

Our reporter followed Meredith and Ric back to her jumbled bachelorette pad, and boy, does she need a maid, or what? Mer was patchin up Ric’s head wound and assessing possible broken ribs, courtesy of Klaus. This boy needs accident insurance bad! That’s what he gets, picking fights with guys 30 times his age! Meredith prescribed rest–Damon and Stefan are gonna take care of Elena (and how would she know this?), she was gonna take care of Ric. Yeah, how’s that workin for ya, Ric?

FLIP THE SWITCH, FLIP A COIN

[We were treated to some great Brothers Salvatore scenes this week, and this one was NO exception!] A blue Camaro convertible was spotted parked in the woods near The Slayboy/Dustbunny Hutch. The Brothers were overheard wondering if the witches were even there. It was their best guess, with only 10 minutes on the timeline! Damon suggested if they sat this one out, Ester does her thing, Klaus dies, Stef gets his revenge–what he wanted the whole time. The only collateral damage would be “Elena“. They both know she’d choose to die to save her friends. Yup (pop the “p”). If they ‘do this’ it will wreck her and she’ll hate both of them. They agree! Damon has a brilliant stupid idea. Only one of them has to actually ‘do the deed’–let’s flip a coin–in the dark. Stef thought it was an awful lot of effort for someone who pretends not to care anymore. Pot, kettle, brother! Heads I win, tails you lose!

Where did Elena find the flashlight in The Lockwood Cave? Did they leave it behind from some earlier episode? She searched for the way out, which was blocked by Bex with a gas can and a box of matches! Barbecued bloodbag, anyone? What is she doing, is she insane? Bex is so spontaneous, maybe that’s why Damon likes her! Light em up! Elena’s either gonna come out or stay in there and fry. (Where are the cave rats with weak bladders when you need them? Are coffins fireproof?) Bex enjoyed playing firebug, throwing matches at puddles of gasoline and taunting Elena, while again recording the whole incident on her phone for YouTube! [We promise this video will become important later!] Elena noted Bex still wearing The Jewel of the Vile, which belonged to the Mother with the Warped Delayed Abortion complex. So Bex ripped it off and threw it at her for a last request (we know not why). Bex struck The Last Match, but Elena knew how to work a good former-pretend-girlfriend-pity angle, and she threw everything she had at Bex. Bluff call! She said Bex wouldn’t do it, since there was still a chance she’d be alive tomorrow, and if she threw that match, it would be a total waste of perfectly good revenge! After all, isn’t that Bex’ whole motivation? Revenge? Elena pretended to like her, then stabbed her in the back–that’s why Bex slept with Damon, why she’s torturing Elena. Elena hurt her feelings! Match went out, insults got weaker. Tough act doesn’t suit Elena, but she never said she was tough–they both know she’s right. Elena went All-In and Rebekah folded!

SILENCING THE LAMBS

Inside the Pentagram of Death, Finn alerted the media that “They” were coming–NO, too soon! The moon wasn’t high enough! Esther sent Abby and Bonnie inside The Dustbunny Hutch (her mistake) and stepped into the circle with Finn–see, Elijah, Klaus, and Kol couldn’t break the circle. [Was anybody else having flashbacks to Klaus and Greta’s ritual fire circles about then?] Kol voiced what everybody was thinking–they’re stuck outside the circle while kiss-ass Finn plays sacrificial lamb–Mama says shush, Kol! Your brother knows virtue you cannot even imagine. Even Elijah was down with the confrontation. Whatever Ester thought of them, killing her own children would be an atrocity. Esther only regretted not letting them die a thousand years ago. Klaus was bored. End this mess or he’ll send Mama back to hell. Esther’s been forced to watch Klaus’ painful shenanigans for a thousand years, and Elijah’s no better! A curse on this earth stretched out over generations. If you boys came to plead for your life, she’s deaf!

Abby and Bonnie ran inside the Dustbunny Hutch, which creeped Abby out no end! Serious vibes, Bon! Yeah, well, The Spirits will protect them from The Originals, especially if they go to the basement. Bonnie tromped downstairs, but Abby heard something. Bon got to the bottom, and she heard something down there, too. Stefan! The Originals took Elena and they’re gonna kill her (so what else is new?). Bon can’t stop Esther; she’s channeling them! Stef told her if she can’t stop Esther, he’s gotta find another way. Dun, dun, dun! Whataya gonna do–even if you kill us, Esther’s channeling every witch in our ancestry. The only way to do it is cut her off–if one of you two is no longer a witch. Say what? Damon had Abby upstairs–this will only hurt a second! SNAP!

Esther felt that! Who’s got the hook-up now? You know how it is when the power goes out and you haven’t “saved” your files in a few minutes!? “Sistas! Do not abandon me!” Torches flamed up, wind blew, the outsider Mikaelson Brothers covered their heads! When the dust settled, 3 were left standing, and no Mom and Finn! The magic circle of death was broken!

Well! Rebekah told Elena she could come out now–your boys took care of the problem. Damon turned your witch-friend’s mother into a vampire (and here we thought for a commercial break that he’d just killed her)–can’t be a witch AND a vampire! BTW, Elena was right. Bex will be much more satisfied taking her time and watching Elena suffer no end. Oh, hell and her new pea coat smells like gas!

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS BLOCKED

Elena’s first stop wasn‘t at the dry cleaners, since there was another body laid to “rest” at the Bennett House. Bonnie was grieving at Abby’s bedside–Caroline told Elena at the door she wasn’t taking Elena-visitors. Abby was in transition–Bon needed some time to deal. Bonnie’s always been there for Elena, but put in Bonnie’s shoes–everything that happened was to save Elena. Again. Bon loves Elena so much, but somehow she’s always the one who gets hurt. [Do we REALLY need to send you back issues, Caroline?]

BAD BOYS FINISH FIRST

Inside the Stately Damon Bathroom (hey, it needed a name)–Damon washed his hands of the whole mess. Is she safe? Elijah kept his word (this time). Good. All’s right in the world again (um, what about Klaus?). Stef knew he lost the coin toss. Why’d Damon do it? It shoulda been Stef that turned Abby. Because Damon’s not blind–Stef’s barely over his last Rippah binge and all he wants is to go back to being Ye Olde Stef. Nope. He’s gone forever. Oh, yeah? How long has it been since Stef’s had one DROP of human blood (BUSTED!)? How’d Damon know? You don’t spend 146 years with somebody and not pick up on things. Answer the question, Stef–how long?

Since he threatened to drive Elena off Wickery Bridge. See, Stef had enough to feel guilty about, why add to the list? You’re welcome, btw. Not fooling anyone, Damon, you still love her. He does. Thought he could win fair and square–she didn’t want him. All for the best. He’s better at being the bad guy anyway. (Oh, yeah, he’s REAL good at being the bad boy!)

Elena had a note from Elijah on her bed. ‘Elena, today I did things I abhor to protect the one thing I value most. My family. If anyone can understand it, it’s you. Your compassion is a gift, Elena. Carry it with you as I will carry my regret. Always and forever, Elijah.’ [Always and forever, each moment with you…]

YOUTUBE GETS VIRAL

Rebekah returned home to find Elijah and Klaus. Forlorn expressions all around. Wha happened? It’s over, Bex. Where’s Mother? We have no Mother. Only Esther, and she was right. What did Elijah mean? All his talk of virtue. He went into kill mode. He tortured an innocent (Elena)–used Rebekah’s hatred for her to get what he wanted. He wielded her like a sword [ooh, mental images!]. Bex was defiant–stop moping, we’re better than they are! Are we? Mother made us vampires, we made ourselves monsters. Klaus was burning Caroline sketches in the fireplace. Was that a gallon of Chunky Monkey sitting on the mantle? Klaus figured Bex would have gone by now. Elijah’s leaving, Kol took off, Esther and Finn were gone too (what does that MEAN, gone?). Bex hated Klaus when she found out he committed matricide, but she finally figured it out. Klaus was the only one who never left Bex (yeah, he toted her around in a box). Quite a pair. Bex had the YouTube to show him! Lookee. Not at the bitch, look on The Cave Wall behind Elena, fool! Yeah, it’s natives worshipping at the White Oak Tree they burned to the ground, so what? Look at the native calendar in front of it…a sapling or a new tree to replace the old one survived 300 years after they fled back to The Olde World. It could kill them. It’s not over yet!

CALL CRIMESTOPPERS! DON’T APPREHEND AT HOME!

Ric woke up with a raging concussion headache on Meredith’s couch (she was in the bed, feigning sleep?). After pilfering some aspirin (or something pharmaceutical) from the cabinet, being the good history researcher he is(READ: sleepover snoop–who knew guys did this, too?), Ric started going through Meredith’s patient files laying around. Lo and behold what is this? A knife wrapped in red cloth? What can it be? Whoopsie! Here’s Meredith with a revolver! Just like Ric to bring a knife to a gunfight! You weren’t supposed to see that–BANG!