Mystic Falls Messenger: Vampire Diaries Recap: “The Hybrid”

Mystic Falls Messenger

A highly opinionated publication…Most small towns have a newspaper that is a glorified gossip rag. This is one of those rags!

Editor’s note: Huge thanks to VDO’s own Ruthie for slaving over the screen caps that I am clueless about! Five stars!

OBITUARIES

MORBID NEWS: Local affiliate WPKW reports one of their “shining stars” field reporter and weekend anchor, Andie Starr, either committed suicide or met with a tragic accident. Local rookie sheriff’s deputies discovered her body outside her Monticello home. They have to be rookies ‘cause the last batch all got wiped out! (Wow, I coulda had a V5!)

HOME FRONT LIFESTYLES

Domestic snarkery reported between Elena and Damon with accusations of dodging her phone calls due to dead fake GF and all. Well, Happy Bday Elena, Stefan killed Andie. Cake? Bwahaaa! Speaking of phone calls, Elena then admitted the breather call, claiming Sheriff Lizzard traced the call to Tennessee. Why again is she giving Lizzard any info at all? The disagreement concluded with a difference of opinion as to whether the country-folk binge drinking brother was “gone” or not. Why did Damon burn the evidence of Stefan‘s exploits?

Miss Gilbert immediately ran to hung over Alaric’s apartment (who mopped up Stefan’s table scraps?) BAM! BAM! BAM! Go away Damon. (Why does everybody always assume when there’s banging Damon is involved?  A scantily clad (but still in his pants, unless he wears a belt with his Fruit of the Looms) Alaric is confronted by Elena (only the first time this episode) to spill his guts about Tennessee before he spills his whiskey. After informing her Stef was off the rails (he should know), Elena pressured him into telling the tale of the Great Smoky Mountains!

SOCIETY PAGE

There were no society soirees this week due to Caroline Forbes’ POINTED absence. Therefore, this segment is entitled:

THE REI FILES–TRAVEL NEWS

Since lots of this week’s news took place in a KOA campground (Klaus On Acid) and trippin’ bad–off we go to the Great Smokies! Please tell us Dolly Parton and Johnny Cash are NOT gonna show up as ghosts anywhere. Flash sideways to Dollywood? Cash and Carry? Oh, wait, Stef was that Man in Black (or dark blue) lugging Ray’s inert carcass up the side of the mountain. Pack time!

Wait! Where were all the obligatory plaid flannel shirts! Only half the pack was wearing them. Plaid flannel shirts, sports bras and pup tents. Pup tents! Get it? lol Klaus apparently achieved ROCKSTAR status among this group already. The Werewolf Grapevine apparently moves faster than the Twitter timeline!

FOOD COURT–LOCAL BUSINESS

EPIC FAIL RECIPE OF THE WEEK: Do NOT put vervain in your dog-son’s coffee to try to discover if he‘s hittin the vamp-stuff. Apparently vervain tastes like the cream’s gone bad. Make sure that gets reported to Starbucks. BTW, who you callin a prostitute, Mrs. “Dress up like Daisy Buchanan and cougar-up Damon while your husband the Mayor was still alive” (step into the wayback machine, Mr. Peabody)?

SIDEBAR: Who is “Bill“ that Carol called?

NEW ON THE MENU AT THE MYSTIC GRILL: Now serving, half-naked Matt with a blur blackout. And a side of Jer, generously sprinkled with [probably] Binged bring-out-yer-dead references. Serve with personal items and a family member. Try this no-witch séance at home. But only if she said “Help me“. Matt got suckered in!

In the dining room (aka, at a conspicuous table) Tyler’s apparent Jules Speed Reading Course for Rookie Werewolves taught him and thus our Elena where weres can “enjoy” mountains, state parks, deserts, that kind of stuff. In Tennessee, of course. Rang that one up on the GPS! Bingo! Not because Tyler’s a good guy or anything, he figured he owed Elena one since Stef’s Klausdicament is because Tyler couldn’t keep his canines off of Damon.

Ric was conveniently drinkin whiskey-laced coffee at the bar (a little “hair of the dog? You see how I did that? lol). Elena confronts him (again!) to go for a nature-hike in the Smoky Mountains. Gurl, are you CRAZY? You wanna hunt down a pack of wolves on a full moon? I’ll go alone, you said I was a big girl. NEW MENU COMBINATION: Frozen dinners and SATs. That’s how big you are. Alaric is SO WHIPPED. And he’s NOT the designated driver (don’t call the State Police)!

The chef highly recommends mixing a little testosterone sparring with a helping of former besties Tyler and Matt. Simmer over waiting for AWOL Caroline until Matt volunteers to help Tyler thru the full moon. Such an All-American Boy!

Ty declined, but found out that Matt’s bad coffee was really another Sheriff Lizzard ploy–slippin vervain in the coffee at the Grill, too. Starbucks DEF has to get in on this action! Humans shouldn’t be able to taste it, so I guess all our readers should BE WARNED!

ANOTHER REI FILE

While holding a Kum-Bah-Ya session with his new almost groupies, Ray Sutton, new hybrid, woke right on cue. Rockstar Klaus doesn’t like anything that doesn’t happen on cue. And again he instructs [Vanna White] Stefan to ask if there’s “Anybody human here?” Of course it’s a guy in a plaid shirt. Derek. Ray’s gonna need Derek’s human plasma or he’ll die. For reals.

Klaus snatched up only brave Wolfgirl who said she’d rather die than be a vampire. Wrong choice. Chomp…feed. Who’s next? We seem to remember a song cue right after Damon killed Jessica…Who’s next? Is there an echo up in here?

LEFT HAND CORNER

The Mayor-Pro-Terminal received a mystery guest named Bill in The Gracious Lockwood Estate, but spent the entire visit wringing her hands and muttering, “What to do, what to do?” After confessing to Mystery Bill she had not informed The Great and Powerful Council, she decided to wash her hands, which can’t be dirty (she is The Mayor, after all. Mayor’s don’t shoot and kidnap teenage girls who happen to be vampires)! What would the re-election committee say?

BOY SCOUT TROOP OF THE WEEK

Party of two. No, wait, three. Elena and the self-proclaimed Boyscout/vampireslayer/whiskey drinkin all around lost cause Alaric. But his backpack was loaded, and not for bird watching. Pass the Wolfsbane grenade, please. That earned a Vulture Scout badge for sure! In honor of his “Be prepared” motto, Elena let Alaric “borrow” the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing until after happy hour. It was his once, but Dead Uncle John had wanted Elena to save it for future generations of stubborn, relentless baby Gilberts. Ric’s words…rofl

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER! Reality check time. Damon slung Elena into the river and thanked Ric for the tip, “brother!” Ric doesn’t go anywhere without backup! And now there were three in the Boy Scout troop, but Elena resumed the earlier domestic dispute with sparks in the water!

This reporter LOVES it when these two square off! And by the way, nostril flare! We love Wicked Woobie! “Klaus thinks you’re dead. That makes you safe. This doesn’t.” Let the whipping begin (Damon, pwease?) [cave] Okay, but we are outa here before the moon’s full and I’m werewolf bait. Unless you wanna relive that whole death bed kissie thing.” So whipped. Elena Gilbert. Kitten with a Whip.

SIDENOTE: Could he not have ripped his shirt off before wading into the water????

CRIMEWATCH

Rockstar Klaus and Comrade Stefan were spotted in the KOA campground surrounded by 1) a bunch of questionably dead werepeople, 2) one slightly drained human blood bag Derek, and 3) a not so master-race looking Ray. Klaus was overheard explaining this is not an army of hybrid slaves, but a mighty army so big that no one would ever dare pick a fight. That would be loyal because they were on the winning team. Klaus is looking for a few good wolves. Um. Excuse this reporter for saying, 10 or so is not that big an army. Just sayin. Snarky mutiny was sensed in Comrade Stefan, who thought he was being kept for attitude adjustment purposes. Klaus refused to tell Stef why he was keeping him around, and oh, yea, why are Ray’s eyes bleeding?

RABID DOG SPOTTED IN THE WOODS! Ray the token hybrid fled the scene, only to be followed by Comrade Stefan on orders. Oops. Why do were’s go for the arms–wouldn‘t you think an animal would go for the throat?. That’s a nasty bite you got there, Stefan. Hark! Stef heard the Boy Scout Troop bickering (what are you guys, twelve?) and…Enter Klaus–demanding to know where his new pet is? Stef lied to him to divert his attention. Ray got away. My ass! In true Rockstar style, Klaus refuses to heal Stef’s ouchie until he finds Ray.

Klaus went back to the campsite where all his Precioussssses are waking up. With bad Lasik eye bleeds (weren’t you told eye drops every 15 minutes after surgery for 10 days?) Visine gets the red out. If you use it by the gallon.

LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH, THE POOR, AND THE LYING

This is the week for domestic disturbances, as The Mayor and her *ahem* son finally come clean about “vampires in this town” and “skipping the part where we pretend she’s (Caroline) not one of them.” By Decree of the Mayor of Mystic Falls, Tyler can’t be with her, she’s a monster. Just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins!

THE GOODWILL DONATION BOX was empty this week, as Matt was supposed to donate all Vicki’s stuff. From Jer’s Bing connection, personal items build a stronger connection. Matt wanted to know if a waterpipe counted? These two couldn’t conduct a decent séance if Bonnie was in the room! In a fit of nostalgia, Matt backed out. But the childhood picture of he and Vicki he placed face down on the table stands up all by itself? Creepsters!

GRAPHIC NOVEL OF THE WEEK

As the Scout Troop bickers again, there’s a rustle in the bushes. It’s Ray! Scuffle! Wham! Crossbow arrow in the back! Wolfsbane grenade to the face! Does anyone have a Wet Wipe? The gang has him down, but can they keep him? Stay tuned, for our next exciting paragraph!

Ropes, chains, vervain soaked rope (Elena said Ric take these, Damon, you doofus. Of course it burned!). Ray starts changing. Apparently they forgot about hybrids being able to change at will. All of a sudden, Elena’s not so “we have until the moon reaches it’s apex, we gotta go NOW! Damon now!” RUN, BITCHES!

ADVERTISEMENT: Your eye doctor can’t always be there if you sleep in your contact lenses. Or your eyes bleed from rapid hybrid changing!

BAD NEWS MY FRIEND

R.I.P. Bloodbag Derek–end of the road for you. Were’s start coming like Return of the Living Dead zombies for Klaus. Bloody hell, Ron Weasley!

Our Scout Troop ran through the woods, but alas, RABID DOG CORNERS THREE SCOUTS! Here, doggie doggie. Why are Stef and Damon still sharing the Bacon aftershave? [Bacon, Bacon! I’d get it myself but I don’t have thumbs!] In a diversionary tactic, Damon takes off with the wolf hot on his heels. Ric and Elena argue about whose fault it is that he‘s out there. Hey, you’re all IDIOTS! TRUE STORY: My local station interrupted here for a Sonic hot dog commercial. Here, doggie, doggie! Priceless!

Speaking of doggies. Tyler and The Mayor were spotted going to the slave quarters JUST before the moon crested. Reported, Ty showed his mom The Monster!

What curse?!

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Were wrestling is the new black! This reporter was confused by the fact that Damon was chased from the Scout Troop by a complete WOLF, and then attacked by not completely changed Ray. And Stef heart ripped him! Brotherly love! Why didn’t Ray change all the way?

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Stefan Salvatore found alive (still dead?)! However, what part of don’t follow me anymore got lost in translation? The bros heatedly discussed late night breather calls and begrudging admissions that Elena will never give up, Stef reaffirms he’s never coming back. Damon softened and nodded he would get Elena home and try to keep her there. Dontcha wish these two were pining after YOU? *sniff*

SCOUTMOBILE CONFESSIONS: Stefan and Damon out in the woods, Elena and Alaric in the Scoutmobile. In a bold show of bravery, Alaric proclaims, “Let the vampires fight the hybrid-zombie-mountain man. I’ll take care of keeping the humans safe.” Even though he checked out of taking care of people. The lesson here is LOST daddy issues. You’re just LOST. (big shoutout to the anniversary of LOST premiere! Lol) They don’t have anybody and neither does Ric. He’s keeping the ring then. Like we thought he would give it back.

Elena heard footsteps. Damon. Fine (yes, he is  ), and bite-free. (Yay!) While Damon and Elena bickered humorously at the car. Stef’s watching; and Elena sensed it.

GHOST STORIES

Stash party! Matt the Good-Guy decided to help Jer with the séance and showed up with tasty beverages! Why can’t we get a real beer sponsor instead of hawkin that studio created swill two episodes in a row? Oh, yea, this is a YA show. He coulda brought wacky weed again. In almost sloppy sentimental moments, Jer admits he doesn’t remember Vicki dying, and Matt doesn’t remember his last moment with Vicki, either.

And then POOF! There she was. Matt didn’t see her, but Jer told him she was there, and apparently she can see Matt. “I can come back. Help me come back.”

WTH? Anna breaks the window and warns Jer not to trust Vicki. Um, he’s trusting any dead girls because..?

TRUE CONFESSIONS

Klaus threw a hissy fit! As Stef brought back Ray’s lifeless hulk, Klaus pronounced the pack went rabid. What’s a hybrid to do? Killed part of them, some of them bled out (ewww, sounds like a bad epi of Criminal Minds). I DID EVERYTHING I WAS TOLD! (Who exactly “told” you, Klaus? Inquiring minds want to know!) They’re all dead. [My babies are all dead. Tantrum!] He broke the curse, he killed a werewolf, he killed a vampire, he killed the doppelganger.

Stef broke eye contact (thank GAWD!). He looked like hell, and thought he was dying. Note to self: Stef doesn’t sweat nearly as much as Damon when he has were-pox. In a brilliant psychological ploy (didn‘t Damon say once that Stef went to Harvard?), he apologized for takin Ray out and begged Klaus‘ forgiveness for failing (blech!).

In a sound like bitin into a watermelon, Klaus bit his own wrist and drained his blood into a HIGHLY unsanitary used beer bottle. (What am I saying, it’s blood for crissakes!) Bottoms up! Last call! We’re leaving! Don’t worry about the mess! I don’t! “It appears you’re the only comrade I have left.” Cue the sad music. Um, Klaus, your REAL comrade is in cold storage one with a dagger in his chest.

As Stefan drinks and litters. Litter! (okay, bad puppy joke) lol “Hello, hello, anybody out there? ‘Cause I don’t hear a sound.” Seriously, Jason Walker’s “Echo” plays thru the end of the episode, and you absolutely HAVE to Google the lyrics. “alone, alone, I don’t really know where the world is but I miss it now” EPIC.

TIME FOR THE SERIOUS

Is it just this reporter, or are these closing scenes in Elena’s bedroom beginning to feel like make-up sex without the sex? Elena: Seriously? Damon: I was wrong. Elena: Are you drunk? Damon: No. I thought Stefan was gone but I was wrong. Elena: You saw him out there? Is he okay? No, he’s not okay, Elena, he’s an insufferable martyr that needs his ass kicked. “shadow is the only friend that I have”…but he can be saved. *Kleenex please* Elena: What happened out there. What changed your mind? Damon: I changed my mind because even in his darkest place my brother can’t let me die. So I figure I owe him the same in return. I’ll help you bring him back.

HERE IT COMES!

Damon: But before I do I need you to answer one question. Is he not tired of getting shot down when he says this? Damon’s like the insufferable girlfriend always asking “Can we talk?” He wants to know what changed Elena’s mind about staying on that mountain with a bag full of weapons and a teacher with an eternity ring. It was too dangerous to begin with. Pushing, pushing. What changed her mind? Pushing, pushing. So Elena finally admits she didn’t want to see Damon get hurt, and that she was worried about him. Tiny Cheshire cat smile, thanks. And he was gonna let it go, but NO! She actually stopped his exit, and asked why he had to hear her say it.

(Damon moved in for The Look) “Because when I drag my brother from the edge and deliver him back to you I want you to remember the things you felt while he was gone.” Eyef*ck! Woobie! Goodnight, Elena. *fanning self*

THE UGLY TRUTH

After hours of witnessing Tyler’s transformation and reformation, The Mayor finally decided to take care of “it”. And promised nothing would happen to “her”. A quick phone call to Mystery Bill did not suffice.

This dude is hard core with his no guilt, and they’re not human smackdown. His family’s been committed to this fight–she married into it. He KNOWS his obligations. Who the hell is this guy?

When last seen, Caroline is holed up in some dungeon, hearing noises. You know it was reported that Car’s dad lived with his partner, Stephen? Well, hello S&M Daddy?