Mystic Falls Messenger
Who ya gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS! We ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts!
Editor’s notes: Ruthie did an amazing job capturing all those poltergeists just for our readers! They’re crafty little devils!
SOCIETY NEWS
On Thursday, the Founding Families (also aka The Historical Society) held another pointless charade of a historical celebration. The Night of Illuminati (oops, nods to you @ErnestoRileytweeps!) Illumination. A tongue-in-cheek celebration of the prosperity at end of The War when townspeople hung lanterns showing it was safe to come out in the world again. Ha! The prosperity was thieving the prosperous vampires’ stuff, locking them in The Tomb, and now it was SAFE to show your necks again! Tobias Fell and Anna Ghost GF gave us this true-false rendition. Tobias is apparently the only living Fell and Ric’s boss in the history department. For a while. Jeremy Gilbert got the Anna scoop while trying to keep a straight face and pretending he doesn’t hold hands with dead people. Film at eleven.
Seen preparing for The Event were ONE volunteer dude in a t-shirt, Bonnie and Caroline, sans volunteer shirts. This was a good a time as any for Car to set up a Maury Povich-style bestie discussion. Can we talk about how creepy it is that your Main Squeeze would rather squeeze a Dead Squeeze? [Oh, wait. Isn’t that the whole premise of this show?] Bon was still deluding herself about her price for fooling Mother Nature.
Seen preparing for The Event were ONE volunteer dude in a t-shirt, Bonnie and Caroline, sans volunteer shirts. This was a good a time as any for Car to set up a Maury Povich-style bestie discussion. Can we talk about how creepy it is that your Main Squeeze would rather squeeze a Dead Squeeze? [Oh, wait. Isn’t that the whole premise of this show?] Bon was still deluding herself about her price for fooling Mother Nature.CRIMESTOPPERS
Large uncomfortable wooden chairs are the most recent target of vandals in our fair city. They show up wrapped in chains, with burn holes, stake marks and bloodstains–call Crimestoppers with your tips! Two were reported this week, both sporting Salvatore accessories! Damon is tired of the one at home–he’s been in it twice and used it on Mason once…time for Goodwill pickup? Scoop is, Stef exchanged last week’s Twister for this week’s Twisted Ripper Games with Ghost Mason. Rules are: Drop-kick your victim senseless, chain to chair (sans pointy dog collar this time, whew!), pull off his daywalker ring, and keep him guessing who’s playing with him.
Accompanied by Child of the 60s Mason doing a rendition from “Hair” (Let the sun shine, let the sun shine in!). Ouch! Second S&M chair turned Stef’s game back on himself! lol See MUST WATCH TV for in-depth analysis!
Accompanied by Child of the 60s Mason doing a rendition from “Hair” (Let the sun shine, let the sun shine in!). Ouch! Second S&M chair turned Stef’s game back on himself! lol See MUST WATCH TV for in-depth analysis!ON THE TOWN
Damon was SO not into our Crimestopper report, he got loose and hunted down Car and Bon hanging Illuminati decorations, looking all sexy and irritated in his hot vintage Camaro. Hey Blondie and Witchy! You screwed up! Your voodoo boot of Vicki Donovan kicked MY ass in the form of Mason Lockwood. Fix it! Vroom! (does it have a hemi?)
Matt watched this exchange, SWORE Vicki was gone, didn’t have anything to do with it, and LEAVE ME OUTA IT! Car and Bon thought maybe Damon was right, there was a screw-up, but how to know? Cue the grimoire (we still think Bon should have it tattooed on her ass so she won’t be lugging it around everywhere to magically pop open at choice moments like this). Terrible penmanship!
Obviously unneeded for The Event, Jer, Elena, and Ric (plus one imaginary GF Anna in the conveniently empty chair) parked their butts on the patio of the Grill for a little light reading. Elena’s been raiding Stef’s room and snooped through ALL his journals. Just like a suspicious GF, which she ALWAYS was (remember the shattering of post-coital bliss by finding Katherine’s picture?). She wanted to know if Sixth Sense Jer could reach Dead Lexi (Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you‘re my only hope!)?
Without The Official Brochure of The Other Side, Jer was clueless in supernatural purgatory. Ric thought they’d had ENUF fun summoning the dead already–he needs his wheels back! The convenient empty chair told Jer not all supernatural spirits go to The Other Side–some find peace (ah, that must be where Jenna is!). Anna wants to remain the anonymous source, and drags Jer inside (mustn’t let Big Sis know you’re two-timing her bestie!).
Stefan arrived for Human Bloodbag Patrol duty, acted like a Klaus a-hole fool, and generally snarked about everything from his own prophetic journal words to eating people during the Night of Illumination. We witnessed yet another exchange about Elena giving up and yadayadayada…
Matt watched this exchange, SWORE Vicki was gone, didn’t have anything to do with it, and LEAVE ME OUTA IT! Car and Bon thought maybe Damon was right, there was a screw-up, but how to know? Cue the grimoire (we still think Bon should have it tattooed on her ass so she won’t be lugging it around everywhere to magically pop open at choice moments like this). Terrible penmanship!
Obviously unneeded for The Event, Jer, Elena, and Ric (plus one imaginary GF Anna in the conveniently empty chair) parked their butts on the patio of the Grill for a little light reading. Elena’s been raiding Stef’s room and snooped through ALL his journals. Just like a suspicious GF, which she ALWAYS was (remember the shattering of post-coital bliss by finding Katherine’s picture?). She wanted to know if Sixth Sense Jer could reach Dead Lexi (Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you‘re my only hope!)?
Without The Official Brochure of The Other Side, Jer was clueless in supernatural purgatory. Ric thought they’d had ENUF fun summoning the dead already–he needs his wheels back! The convenient empty chair told Jer not all supernatural spirits go to The Other Side–some find peace (ah, that must be where Jenna is!). Anna wants to remain the anonymous source, and drags Jer inside (mustn’t let Big Sis know you’re two-timing her bestie!).
Stefan arrived for Human Bloodbag Patrol duty, acted like a Klaus a-hole fool, and generally snarked about everything from his own prophetic journal words to eating people during the Night of Illumination. We witnessed yet another exchange about Elena giving up and yadayadayada…RECIPE OF THE WEEK
No, it’s not a Recipe for witch cookies. The mystical grimoire popped open to a manifestation spell–used for veiled matter (aka ghosts). Privacy, candles, cobwebs, chanting, wind…haven’t we cooked this one before? Car was def spooked by the old mansion of 100 dead witches, but they ain’t coming back. Light em up! Heeeeere’s Grams! (and other assorted spirits!)
G-HARMONY DATING SITE
G for Grill–or Ghost–or Good Make-Out Site John. Jer and Anna evaded the inevitable for like three seconds by talking about Old Witch nonsense and swearing Anna was working alone, and DON’T tell your sister. She‘ll rat us out! Or Jer could send Anna away. But he couldn’t hold it in any longer–let’s suck face!
BUSTED! Elena walked smooth in on them but the important part wasn’t that she could see Anna, it was inappropriate PDA! And besides, Elena had to pee!
BUSTED! Elena walked smooth in on them but the important part wasn’t that she could see Anna, it was inappropriate PDA! And besides, Elena had to pee!NEW “DISH” AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
Drinks were on the House this week as our squabbling bromance buddies Ric and Damon ran into dead old Uncle werewolf Mason Lockwood. Shot of whiskey down the hatch! Shot glass upside the head! That shoulda left a mark! Mason wanted an apology from Damon (good luck with that) instead of revenge. And he wants to help Tyler (yeah, good luck with THAT, too). Since neither seem likely possibilities, especially while Klaus is alive, which is like FOREVER, Mason “hinted” he knows something. He’d spill for an apology. All he got was a VERY smirky “I do a lot of things I don’t have to do” from Damon. Weak, but acceptable. The Other Side must agree with Mason’s sensibilities! Let’s go play in the old Lockwood cellar (slave quarters)! Come alone and bring a shovel–maybe we’ll bury the hatchet!
JEWEL OF THE VILE
Again the subject of another in-depth report. Will Damon never hear the end of that damned necklace? It’s cheap costume tripe, for crissakes! We saw with our very own eyes, that Grams, along with some savory and unsavory characters, returned from The Great Wherever. Time was of the essence, this straight from Grams herself. She instructed Bon to STFU and clean up the mess she’d made. Love-smove, Bon’s apparently taking lessons from Professor Gilderoy Lockhart and is failing Defense Against the Dark Boyfriends miserably! Bon cracked open the door to the other side and The Old Witch wedged it open. Always the wise instructor, Grams knew Old Witch draws power from this side because of “Her” talisman. Of course, The Jewel of the Vile. Gossipy old witches, anyways! Gotta be destroyed! This news quickly made the cell-phone grapevine, sending Bon and Car to Damon’s room looking for it!
MUST WATCH TV
Since we’re reporting dead arrivals, Lexi appeared to Stef to chastise him for his off the rails ways. AGAIN! Must she keep ruining perfectly good safety glass to smack some sense into him? She’s starring in a really off-the-chains (see how I did that?) edition of Intervention. The subject: Crash course in Ripper Detox 101. Filming on location at Ye Olde Forbes Jail Cell, co-starring Stef-in-the-chair and witness Elena. Techniques included drying him out through some kind of time-warp desiccation–3 months without any blood…9 months…2 years…5 years. Reality TV at it’s finest!
During the commercial [phone] break, Elena and Car discussed the missing Jewel, inability to reach Damon, and oh, yeah, let’s talk about Jer kissing Anna since it’s so important right now! Oh, and hold off when you find The Jewel. Elena needed Lexi for a few. Overheard by Bonnie, of course, the important thing becomes find the damn Jewel and get rid of Anna! To hell with everybody else!
FAMILY SECRETS
Mason and Damon dug up Lockwood family secrets in new parts of the Lockwood cellar. Mason was totally clued in (apparently that’s the entertainment on The Other Side. They eavesdrop on the living (undead?) and find out “their” family secrets. Since Damon’s Mikael-threat wasn’t panning out, Mason fessed up an old Lockwood legend about a weapon that can kill an Original vampire. [Q: what about an Original vampire Hybrid?] Damon suspected a trap, even with their similar agendas. Or a REALLY painful security system. Yo, help a brother out? Mason? After a diversionary break in the action, Mason actually did help Damon out of the wall of extremely long thorns and they kinda-sorta made peace. The Other Side is reportedly all about being all alone and regretting decisions. Sounds like rehab. Mason confessed he couldn’t change what happened to himself but maybe what happens to Tyler. He needs redemption! They pressed on to a cave portion of the cellar (this must be for The Apocalypse) and Damon couldn’t get through, like he wasn’t invited in. Mason went on alone.
PARTY TIME!
In other news, night fell. BOOM! Ric filled in as the only other teacher in Mystic Falls to open the Illuminati ceremony. Tobias Fell was “missing”. Jer searched the crowd in attendance for Anna, only to find her hobnobbing with Dead Tomb Vamp Frederick and his entourage. They had unfinished biz with the Founding Families. “Let’s light em up!“ Such prose. Thunderous applause was followed by blood-curdling screams. Tobias is one of the party decorations! Does this mean Ric gets a promotion? Are there any other teachers in MF? Could we maybe have a class in Humanities for dysfunctional Stefan?
Detox continued as an extended episode, with Stef trying to get to Elena by playing on her emotions (I love you, I hate you–Ripper speak). Once he’s weak enough, they gotta tap into his feelings (ah, Stef, you used to have SO many). Pain, anger, rage. Lexi opted for body piercing. Elena couldn’t watch and ran out to join The Party! Complete with ambulance and corpse!
KEYSTONE COPS SEARCH SALVATORE MANSION
Our roving reporter laffed out loud, when Car searched the soap dish for The Jewel! Small flashback! A thorough ransack was interrupted by cell phone strategy. Jer reported the Tomb Gang taking on the Founding Families alphabetically (um, Forbes would be right after Fell), and Car accused Anna of stealing The Jewel for her own evil purposes. On his end of the convo, Anna poofed in to deny, deny, deny! Car pronounced him an idiot and hung up on him! Maury, where are you? This needs to be on TV.
Elena caught up with Jer and agreed with Caroline–Anna took The Jewel and JER needed to stuff the love, get it back, destroy it, and close the door. With the sad music in the background, Elena waxed poetic that his love was not real. Anna’s dead and he’s holding onto the past. “Are you gonna love a ghost for the rest of your life?” (check yourself, Elena). Love story moment! Tearful Anna reappeared with Jewel in hand to a pleading Elena. Handle this Jer. Be a man! Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Or goodbye, right?
Anna thought maybe she could find her mother, Pearl, if she kept The Jewel hidden. Since Pearl was a Missing Person on The Other Side, maybe she found Peace instead. Anna doesn’t want to be ALONE (this fear of loneliness thing is catching with this group). Anna gave him The Jewel. Love conquered!
KEYSTONE COPS TAKE ON TOMB VAMPS
We discovered the plan was for Jer to meet Car and Bon at Witch House, so everybody hopped in their cars! Wait! A one-car accident on Main Street blocked Car and Bon’s route. Mrs. Mother of My BF is unconscious in her wrecked mom-mobile, and Frederick’s making advances on the ghost bait! (they skipped a few letters. Lockwood definitely doesn’t come right after Forbes). Change of plans entailed Car kickin vamp ass and Bon driving like a bat outa hell.A reluctant Bon went to do her thing to send em all back to The Other Side. (We began to think we were watching Fringe!)
THE JEWEL IN JAIL
In our next exciting installment of Ripper Detox, Stef was STILL harassing Jailer Lexi. “You’ve wasted your whole life taking care of me and now you’re dead and you still have nothing better to do“. Since Elena had the 4-1-1 on the plan to destroy The Jewel, she reported back in to Lexi–hurry up, bitch! They have The Jewel and it was about to GO DOWN! Aha! The Jewel! Oh, Stef! Remember how you found it in you Darkest Hour and it represented Elena’s favorite word, HOPE? Ironic that it’s about to get blown to pieces. Good one, Stef!
THINGS THAT GO POOF IN THE NIGHT
Another mystical ceremony took place in Witch House after Jer arrived with The Jewel. Into the fireplace (candles alone weren’t big enough this week). The usual chanting and finally The Jewel started melting, just before it TURNED INTO THE BIGGEST 4TH OF JULY SPARKLER OF ALL TIME! 1) Carol awoke as Frederick was strangling Car. POOF! 2) Mason started to tell Damon what he found written on the wall and then POOF! 3) Lexi told Elena Stef was still in there, somewhere. And POOF! 4) Anna shuffled down the street only to run into Pearl! They embraced. POOF! 5) Grams got in one good shot about Bon being stronger than all of this. She was SO proud. POOF! This town ain’t afraid of no ghosts!
The Woobie needed a human bud to go see what Mason saw, since he was so rudely interrupted. Bromance! Damon only trusts Ric and Elena (hey, there aren’t that many humans around anyway). Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! Ric’s still pissed, but Damon reasoned that Mason got over it. Pwease? [Echo] Sometimes I do things I don’t have to do. He recycled that same crap-ass apology he gave Mason. Yeah, well, smirk. Damon didn’t mean it with him. Smirk. Okay. Bromance was back on.
LEFT HAND CORNER
Stef and Elena were left staring at each other after Lexi‘s disappearance. He was still all snarky about her tragic future. Well! Elena informed him she’s gonna go about her business. Thinking she finally gave up, Stef threw it in her face–Nope, she’s not giving up, she still has HOPE! Find some! Ooh, and our reporter heard a veiled threat from Elena, “If you don’t you’re gonna lose me forever. I won’t love a ghost for the rest of my life“. [There goes that damned echo again.] She flounced out leaving him chained in the chair!
Huge breakup news following Grams’ disappearance. Yes, our own Jer and Bon are splitsville. Bonnie thought she was owed the respect of not making her listen to his excuses about Anna. Anna-smanna, Matt let go of his sister before Jer let go of Anna. His Sister! Just go. And he does.
NEWSFLASH: It’s the 4th of July again in the fireplace and guess what, readers? The Jewel is BAAAACK! IT’S A WRAP Ric was stupefied staring at The Wall in the cellar. He found something. Hieroglyphics! Do we have an anthropology department? Does anybody have Hermione’s phone number to read ancient runes?
MISSING PERSONS REPORT
Investigative reporters searched high and low, and there was no sign of Katherine! Call Crimestoppers if you see her!
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