Mystic Falls Messenger
There are eight million stories in the Naked City. These are but a few from OUR TOWN. Oh, and there are eight million Naked Damon scenes in the Naked City. Just sayin.
Editor’s note: Oohhhmmmm…ssshhhh–channeling thoughts to Ruthie–she always picks the perfect screencaps…
THE MORNING AFTER
Our undercover reporter choked back showerhead and towel jealousy to bring you Naked Damon in the shower with a Cheshire cat smile. Whistling, no less. Could the camera have panned down “just” a tad?
He did NOT share the reason for his blissful state with Stefan, who only cared about an early-morning meet-up with Bonnie. Too damn chipper–can you imagine the Happy Dance if DE ever actually hook up? Like, the morning after *cough*.
This happy arousal *cough cough* was not shared by Elena, who took out her [teenage sexual] frustration punching and kicking the shit out of the heavy bag over at Ric‘s Training Gym. What got her all worked up? *louder cough cough cough* She not-so-skillfully deflected with talk of a sleepless night, dying, GetOutOfDeathFreeRings runnin low on batteries, and nobody being safe.
Fess up, sister! Ompf! She needed the coffee prop–had to do something with her hands! Ric left Jer-Bear packing for his long/short trip, guessing Damon’s compulsion worked. Dipping a toe in the proverbial waters of Did He Kiss N Tell, Elena asked Ric if he’d talked to Damon [at the crack of day]? No, why? No reason. *COUGH COUGH CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?*
HYBRIDS BRING DOWN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
The White Barn Candle Company relocated its headquarters to The Dustbunny Hutch courtesy of our resident witch, Bonnie the Chanter. Her no dice attempt to open Coffin Number Four was rudely interrupted by a trespasser.
We knew it was a trespasser because POOF! The coffins disappeared! Funny how that works.
Stef and Damon arrived, arguing about no, I didn’t tell Elena about the coffins. Our roving reporter has to help protect the location of the Klaus family coffins, too, so ssshhhhh–don‘t tell! Damon heard The Trespasser from outside so The Bros played bait and switch, aka Game of Clones.
Unnamed Hybrid came out the front door BOOM! Right into Stef. While “winding up for the kill” Damon ripped out his heart from behind. Well played! One down–and he didn’t even get the courtesy of a name!
SOCIETY NEWS
Nobody should attempt to throw a party EVER but Caroline Forbes, Party Goddess. Elena and Bonnie decorated Caroline’s school locker in honor of her former birthday (what? Scotch tape and balloons? Lame). Bonnie lied to Elena about her tardiness–just can‘t tell your bestie you spent the wee morning hours with her conflicted love interests, now can you?
Elena fessed up about Jer being compelled to leave town. Whoopsie! Time for Bonnie Judgy Face (which she wore most of the epi). But it’s not safe, and Jer would have the proverbial Better Life. Maybe Bon would like to say adios (and nothing else–please!)?
Soooooo, Bon approached Jer and asked if he was gonna skip town without saying goodbye? We knew she was hurt by the whole Anna thing, but leave town!? Jer dropped into zombified mode and gave the stock Better Life speech. Better Living through Eye Chemistry. That’s what Elena said. Exactly.
Car arrived at school, bummed and radio blarin, only to run into (we wished) Tyler. WELL! Ty was profusely sorry (yes, he is) but he’s withdrawing from The Primary.
His sire-bond to Klaus is The Unbreakable Vow. *We either heard background music or The Moron Tabernacle Social Media Choir doing a loud rendition of IT‘S OVER*
Awww! He slipped a little birthday trinket pouch into her hand and silently padded away. A melancholy charm bracelet! Could she get any more bummed!? Birthdays have officially become a bitch! School ditch! More later.
WITH SIX YOU GET EGGROLL
Damon tried in vain to bash open the Fourth Coffin. Ah, he’s been reading the Mystic Falls Messenger coffin count! His take on Klaus’ six siblings:
1) Rebekah’s down with Klaus
2) One dead kid in the Old World
3) One dead kid in the New World
4) Elijah
5 & 6) Two others
Three sleeping Originals–who’s in the lockbox? Why don’t you just pop open the other three and ask Elijah’s hair? Stefan wants to play offense, and call Klaus’ bluff at the expense of, um, everything? Run the footage of The Klaus Family means everything to him. We’ve seen it before. Add in a little Spongebob Family at The Bottom of the Sea.
If the Hybrid Clones find the hiding place they’re a liability. The only way to play Blind Man’s Bluff is be willing to lose everything if you’re wrong. Smug Stef backed silently out of the room with a craaaazy look in his eyes!
RENOVATIONS CONTINUE ON LAVISH FORTRESS KLAUS
Day labor slowed down construction this week, but at least there was a new coffin for Rebekah. Klaus asked Mindy Hybrid (uh-oh, she got a name, we’re on countdown 10..9…8…7) to show Bex to her new room.
Klaus was surprised by Stefan (thought he was hiding?), and the room quickly filled with testosterone! Paraphrasing: I was here first, you’re friends have fleas, wingmen don’t guzzle vervain, friends don’t strip friends of free will, GIMME MY FAMILY OR ELSE!
Yadayadayada. Trade brother-lives? What!? Stef showed Klaus he meant bizness. Bad timing Mindy! Off with her head! One down. (no Stef, that was Two. The one Damon heart-ripped at the Dustbunny Hutch, remember?) Klaus might want to send the rest of The Clone Army away before it gets messy. Again. Stef exited, stage left.
Some of our readers recognized Creepster Hybrid Daniel on Mindy head disposal detail. Blech! Right then Ty responded to–you rang, oh great and powerful one? The next diabolical plan? Tug on the proverbial sire-bond leash. Tyler wanted to be left out of the dirty work. BITE. CAROLINE. Say what!? Stef pushed Klaus too far, so he wanted to push back. No way! Undying loyalty test. WTH is wrong with you? Ty’s choice. Too bad, so sad, Ty’s excused. He got a big fat F on the test! (um, maybe?)
SHOCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY ENDS IN NEAR TRAGEDY
A surprise birthday party for Miss Caroline Forbes went awry this week. Vampnapped from her home by Elena, Bonnie, and Matt, the group was headed down to The Falls for some underage drinking. However, terminally stuck in a “filler year” (a highly technical term meaning the year before you actually get to be 18) Caroline wanted time to wallow in self-pity.
The group ended up in the Fell crypt–hey it‘s as good a place as any for a birthday/funeral! Say goodbye to your old life, say hello to your new one. R.I.P! The group adlibbed a cryptic obituary, and it never hurts to have a witch present to light the candles on a Venti cupcake (Starbuck‘s shoutout)! This party would have been ever so much more fun if mind-zombied Jer-Bear and his stash were invited!
The group passed the bottle while Car lied about maybe texting Tyler. She’s a bad sober liar and an even worse drunk liar. Judgy Bon played the You Can’t Control What Everyone Does All The Time Elena card. Ouch, Bonster! Bonnie thought it was just wrong to compel Jeremy to leave town and take away his choices. Moi? Tell him the truth? Is big bad Elena gonna compel her not to?
Enter Matty, the voice of reason–Bonnie the Buzzkill Birthday/Funeral babe. In a huff, Bon left. Of course Tyler party/funeral crashed after Car’s text. Since nobody but Car wanted him there, they went outside the crypt to talk. Ewww! I just read that over again!
MATT DONOVAN AND THE PHILOSOPHER’S BOTTLE
Pass Matt the bottle, he wants Car to be happy, but he needed a drink on that one! Matt wants happiness for everyone mired in craziness that‘s stuck to them like, well, glue. Looked in a mirror lately, Matty? Elena reluctantly agreed she probs had no business messing in Jer’s head, but she can’t lose anyone else that she loves.
TYLER INTERRUPTS THIS PARTY/FUNERAL FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM–HIS HEART? Klaus can’t control him when it comes to The Love of His Life. Caroline wasn’t so sure, maybe they just need to move on?
Tyler’s not moving on from anything. He loves her. Smooch…Nip…Oops! Hickey from Hell! Did he do it by accident? On purpose? Call 9-1-1! Run, Forrest, I mean, Tyler!
Matt and Elena stumbled outside the crypt looking for Car (really they just ran out of booze). However, lurking in the shadows was a bad headache upside the crypt for Matty, and a personal vampnapping of her own for Elena, courtesy of Stefan!
THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
Diet polka-dot Birthday cake (so small you’ll think it’s a cupcake–less calories!) with a side of tequila. Yum! The Head of Hybrid was so popular last week, they’ve doubled their stock! And the Hearts of Hybrid salad is to DIE for!
BRITISH GUY HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
Another incredibly pointless Council Meeting–The Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser was held this week. Fellow Council-members Damon and Ric arrived fashionably late due to a disagreement about Stef and his humanity switch malfunction.
Always the astute observer, Alaric found out Damon is actually keeping a small list of who he cares lives and dies. Humanity dimmer switch. Is there an internal electrician in Mystic Falls?
The science-project model of the “restored” Wickery Bridge represented where the Gilbert ‘rents died. BTW, prying Ric wanted to know if Damon was clued in on what’s MORE wrong with Elena than usual? *coughing resumes* Not Gonna Kiss N Tell, nope! But our readers all KNOW it starts with a DAM and ends with an Oh, Man!
Okay, now HE needed the whiskey tumbler prop! Those two cray cray kids need to find SOMETHING to mutually do with their hands! Enter Dr. Meredith Fell. Why do we hear so much gasping about her being on the Council? Um, her last name is F-E-L-L. As in Founding Family Fell?
Long lost descendant of Gonorrhea Fell? Duh? She and Ric tentatively flirted again, with her giving away she was aware of the “vampire problem”. Foreshadowing…..my senior prom date dumped me on Wickery Bridge and I’ve been holding a grudge ever since. Ya think? By the way, some British guy just pledged to match every dollar we raise for restoration. Uh-oh.
Klaus made a very generous pledge to The Mayor (um, what happened to Pro Tem, was there an election we failed to cover?). Whadaya say, Damon? We’re “chomping” at the bit! Ante-up you rich SOB! You’re loaded (in more ways than one). Unphased by Damon’s revelation of ass kissing the immortal hybrid who ruined her son’s life, The Mayor jumped right on the Klaus bandwagon. Klaus promised to protect Tyler, and OUR TOWN. How ironic.
His Hybrid Clones are the ones the town needs protection from! Ignoring The Mayor entirely, Klaus would have no use for His Children if Stef would return his family. Not gonna happen. Which is why Klaus got in bed with Yoko Ono, um, The Mayor to strike what we called last week’s The New Deal of this week:
You and The Council stay out of my hair, I’ll stay out of yours.
Your town gets protected, My Hybrids get left alone.
And everybody will be happy. Just get Stef to stop decapitating my friends.
Temporarily roused from her stupor, Mayor Carole ominously pronounced, “Get Stefan under control or The Council will be forced to take action against him.“ Did we hear chanting? “All we are saying, is Give Peace a Chance” (it’s a bed-in…Google it).
Damon next conspired with Liz about who‘s drinkin the Klaus Kool-Aid. Which side will The Sheriff take? Don’t worry, my pretties, all will be revealed by episode’s end! Okay, so they lost The Mayor to Klaus’ charms, but Liz ain’t gonna let him hold OUR TOWN hostage. OR let innocent people get caught in the crossfire of a pissing contest between a hybrid and a vampire. (wasn’t that a lovely line?) Liz wants Stef to back off, too. Just who’s side are you on, Liz?
Meredith and mystery ex-prom date Bryan were overheard (by Ric) discussing her career suicide. Convenient he’s now the town ME who got his job from his dad (?). Charging in like a white knight, Ric stepped right into the fray. Back off, Bryan.
Bryan advised Ric might wanna know more about the psycho case before he jumps in bed with her. Dude, take his advice. Life’s too short. You shoulda thrown him over the bridge. Ah, well, since the ME is the one signing all those Death by Animal Certificates…Convenient phone call! Thanks for the hero moment. (Ric bein’ set-up, we just know it!)
Uh-oh. Stef party crashed and picked up a knife on his way past the serving line (wonder if it’s a WMD from the Gilbert kitchen?) He followed conspicuously lurking in The New Deal scene Creepster Hybrid Daniel upstairs (was he looking for the john?). Belly piercing. That’s three (well, not really, you can’t kill a hybrid that way).
Damon interrupted just before the beheading. No dead hybrids at the Founder’s party! If Klaus isn’t gonna hear Stef’s threats, he’s gonna turn up the volume! Metaphorically shout all you want, Stef, Klaus ain’t gonna hear you! The Bros agreed to disagree–Klaus will just keep making more hybrids, with Elena as human bloodbag! That’s Damon’s problem now, and Stef’s humanity switch is fried like his brain! Stef wants to BEAT Klaus–gotta be the better villain to do it. Well, he’s doin a pretty good job at that!
SPORTS
Midget car racing comes to Mystic Falls! Not on the racetrack, but on the Road to Wickery Bridge! Damon rang up Elena, but Stef grabbed the phone–Not Now, Damon! I’m making my next move! What’s Klaus gonna do if he can’t make any more hybrids? And tossed the phone out the window! Must be a disposable!
Sleeping with the Enemy–Damon pulled Klaus aside at the Founder’s Fundraiser to tell him about Stef vampnapping Elena–do what he says, please? Get rid of the hybrids or he’ll kill her! No, Stef wouldn’t do that. You sure ‘bout that? He’s operating on cray cray right now! He just tried to behead someone in the upstairs hall!
Through a sinister grin, Klaus pronounced crazy or not, Stef’s kinda love never dies. He’s bluffing. Maybe not. Damon didn’t have a clue how far Stefan’s willing to take this. But trust Damon, Stef’s his brother and he knows him better’n anybody else. If he says blink, Just Do It!
Elena and Stef argued in the speeding midget racer from hell. Elena wondered if he was just gonna tie her up and keep her hostage (take a chill-pill you smutty fanfic readers! You know who you are!). Stef considered turning her. What!? Now Elena panicked. Stef dialed up his old buddy Klaus on speaker. Tell your hybrids to get outa town. Not gonna happen till I get my family back. Well allrighty then! I’m gonna drive your blood source off Wickery Bridge. Will not. Will too. (This was like a game of cell phone chicken). Creepy meat biting sound effects as Stef gnawed into his own wrist and force-fed Elena his blood.
Of course, Klaus could hear all this (screeching tire sound effects and all). You won’t do it! Really, watch me! Your coffins are next to go. Shift into overdrive! Stef was Fast and Furious (sans the Vin Diesel voice)! Elena screamed, tires screeched, engine raced—FINE! YOU WIN! (somebody blinked). Good thing Matty fixed those brakes really good, or we would have had another death to report!
Wiping her mouth, Elena stormed out of the car with Stef in hot pursuit. This right here was The Bridge her parents died on and she almost did and YOU rescued me! Asshat! Okay, so Klaus had to believe Stef would do it. Fear Factor! A truly insane Stef only wants to destroy Klaus, since it’s all he has left. Revenge-lust is eating him alive! He had Elena at Hello! Is Stef really trying to make Elena hate him? He cares not what Elena thinks anymore, does he care who she’s “thinking” with? We shall see. Stef turned his black as night eyes, got in the car, and drove away. Cold. Asshat!
WANTED
One (or more) psychic electricians. Must be well versed in humanity on-off and dimmer switches, and replacing fried brains. Oh, and recharging batteries in GetOutOfDeathFreeRings. Experience required.
DRUNKEN COLD-COCKED TEEN RESCUE
A very sobered up Matt Donovan rushed the suffering hybrid-bitten Car home to her mom, Sheriffy Liz. Ding dong! Original Hybrid calling! He said Ty came to him all distressed about Car’s terrible accident. Righteous indignation by Matt! Yay!
Liz wouldn’t let him and his healing blood in until she knew the rules of the game. Klausie-poo just wanted her support. Liz caved, and Matty gave him the evil eye as he entered.
Klaus headed straight for Car’s room and got all sentimental about birthdays. You really think I’d kill you on your birthday? He took one look at the “injury” and pronounced it “bad”. Nothing personal, just collateral damage.
Then going all sappy on us, he played with Car’s charm trinket from Ty, “I love birthdays.” Cause he’s had, like a billion of them or something. Wait. Just. A. Minute. Is Klaus goin all sweet on Caroline?
He instructed her on adjusting her perception of time now that she’s immortal and free. But she’s DIE-ING! Klaus sat down on her rather squeaky bed (how did she and Ty ever manage to sneak past Liz?), and told her he could let her die, and that he’d thought about it himself once or twice. Was Dr. Phil in the next room?
But he let her in on a little secret….there’s a whole amazing world out there waiting for her to take it. She could have a thousand more birthdays, all she had to do was ask. “I don’t wanna die,” was Car’s feeble reply.
And, she drank the Klaus Kool-Aid. Literally. Happy birthday, Caroline! Huge props to @ATuesdayGirl for naming this moment a “wrist job”! Bwahaaaa!
PORCH OF TRUTH
And here we are again, dear readers! Elena and Damon, once again–we knew it would be different because there were crickets instead of sappy music! Damon had rescued her (again) after Stef dumped her on the bridge. Stef won the round for them today. He pushed Klaus to the edge and Klaus blinked–even if his methods sucked. Stef was the better villain (Damon was a tad “proud” of his baby brother).
Quoting: Really, tell me, are you gonna be okay (chin caress…this is where we usually start dying a little)? You can’t kiss me again. Buzzkill! It’s not right. It’s right. It’s just not right now. (My hero) Goodnight. And he had that look like, “I’ve got this!” and she gazed wistfully after him. *sigh*
PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW
Elena and Bonnie bid a fond (and we hope short) farewell to Jeremy this week, sending him off to fun in good ole Bronco country. And Bonnie found Nina’s sleeves from her People’s Choice Awards dress! Was that why the two girls exchanged that “Don’t you do it!” look, or was it Bon not telling Jer he’d been compelled to leave? *and the choir sings, You never say goodbye*
MYSTERY BIRTHDAY PRESENT
Car woke up after her horrendous ordeal miraculously scar-free and revived to find a mystery gift on her nightstand (we thought for a minute she was gonna roll over and find Klaus in her bed!). Classy box (but sadly, not Tiffany blue), REAL ribbon, and a note–From Klaus.
Voila! Is that a platinum hearts set with diamonds? Diamonds ARE a girl’s best friend! And we all know Caroline has always had a penchant for all things expensive and sparkly! Move over boy, let a man take over!
SCENE OF THE CRIME
Matty and Elena were seen back at Wickery Bridge, mutually moping. He was really afraid she was gonna jump, considering the week’s events! She’d been thinking about his drunken philosophy about them all being stuck. Like she’d been holding on to the normal girl that was supposed to die there and didn’t. Matt told her she wasn’t that girl anymore. He gave her permission to let her go. She got all teary and felt like she had disappointed “that girl” and her parents.
Matt saves the day AGAIN! You’re doin a lot better than you think. His obituary: Here lies Elena Gilbert. My first girlfriend, and an amazing friend. Throw the dandelions in the water! Ta-da!
SERIAL KILLER LOOSE IN MYSTIC FALLS
We know this shoulda been the lead story, but you gotta follow the script, right? Lol Yay! Ric fell *wink* OFF the wagon straight into the arms of Dr. Psycho Meredith for a little day drinking–or is she settin him up to take a fall for murder? She lost a patient (among other things?)–he put Jer on the plane to Denver. One reason is as good as another for day drinking in Mystic Falls!
Meanwhile, Sheriffy Liz and Damon are crossing crime scene tape in the woods–hiker called in a DB. Vic is a white male, named Bryan Walters, Medical Examiner extraordinaire. Um, who autopsies the Medical Examiner? The deed was NOT done by a hybrid. He was staked, and he’s not a vampire. Nope. This was murder most foul–the human kind. To be continued…(what else did Dr. Fell do?)
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
Since increasing our readership to more than 5, the editorial staff has received several questions concerning “Just what is a Woobie?“ From our archives: For the uninformed, a woobie (named for a child’s security blanket) is that character you want to give a big hug, wrap in a blanket, feed soup or (to quote my favorite person‘s tweet “show some love & cuddle on couch with”. It’s a term of endearment (like “baby); someone who is so cute/sad/adorable you want to hug and comfort them. Well, in the world of The Mystic Falls Messenger, Damon is, was, and always be The Woobie! So each week I pick out one word (okay, sometimes a phrase) that he uses in the show that makes you wanna squeeze the stuffins outa him! This week’s Woobie Word of the Week is (drum roll): SHERIFFY! Not a particularly smexy word, but he sure flipped the Charm Switch to the ON position when he said it!
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