Love is a tie that binds; revenge straps things together with chain, rope, guilt, lies, secrets, GOSSIP!
Editor’s note: We quake in the excitement of seeing what wondrous screencaps Ruthie digs up this week!
DREAM LEADS TO ROADTRIP
Dream a little dream…again. Bonnie is NOT a normal hormonal teenager or else eats really bad bedtime snacks that produce the WORST nightmares! Skip the crows cawing in the background, let’s talk tombstones. Bonnie’s witch ancestors were feminists, or else had lots of children out of wedlock.
They’re all named BENNETT! Sheila, Amelia, Ernestine, with no dates of birth and death. Hmmm. Bonnie caressed a shiny new coffin and Klaus appeared.
Wait, he “thinks” he knows how to open it? You think? You forget your password? What’s your mother’s maiden name? Name of your first pet? Favorite cereal? BUZZ! Wrong 3 times, please call 1-888-COFFINS for assistance.
SO, Bonnie ended up inside the coffin with no cell signal. Make sure your service provider has coffin roaming! Let me out! Maybe chanting will work, but did she hear footsteps? Whodat? And do you have a working cell phone?
This dream must have meant something, so she ran and told her bestie, Elena, taking her to the Dustbunny Hutch to SHOW her the coffins! Stefan wanted it kept a secret, but, you KNOW secrets last like 27 seconds in Mystic Falls! Dream interpretation 101, it will help kill Klaus.
Guard-vamp Stefan arrived all huffy about the secret-spilling. Bon needed Elena to help find “her” to help open Mystery Coffin #4. The Whodat face? We spied a tiny Bonster pic with awww, her Mommy!
RAP SHEET REVEAL! Here we go again, just like Elena searching for Isobel with Jenna. Our two heroines of the moment plunked down in the Gilbert kitchen to go through every Abby Bennett rapsheet in the country.
This was make-up time since the weirdness over compelling Jeremy, but Bonnie thanked Elena for helping find The Mom Who Bailed (like Elena’s not familiar with that) but is a witch. Since Coffin #4 was spelled shut, Bon took it as her problem. Enter Damon to lighten the mood! He used a little compulsion to cut to the chase and a blah, blah bio covering Abby Bennett Wilson (apparently she got remarried).
ROADTRIP! We’re taking a poll: Which of our readers would turn down hanging out in the back seat with Damon? Puppydog pouty-face Damon was shotgunned down by Elena, since she didn’t want to DEAL with his snarkiness in the car. Bon picked up on the *ahem* tension, um, what’s goin on with you two? Bombshell! “We kissed. Now it’s weird. Have a great trip.” Bonnie was seen picking her lower mandible up off the floor!
FATHER’S DAY GETS CELEBRATED EARLY
Caroline Forbes arrived at her home to find unexpected guests this week. Hickey from Hell Tyler and her uninvited father, Bill the Douche. Tyler had Sheriff Liz invite him by way of apology since maybe he could “fix” the sire-bond problem? This is an apology? Do we really think this will work, or does Bill just REALLY enjoy S&M? Magic, schmagic, Bill was willing to try to teach Tyler to resist the sire bond. Understanding Tyler wants to make good, now. Right.
TWO RED FLAGS OVER MYSTIC GRILL
Resident alcoholic Alaric entertained Dr. Meredith Fell over a potential daydrinking lunch. No booze before rounds, she admitted to being a very angry drunk. Upon her exit, Ric was joined by bromance buddy Damon. Whodat? His doctor, but he reported zilch damage. Lookout, a girl that hot, that smart–gonna mean damage. On the defensive, Ric claimed to be lookin for red flags:
Red Flag 1) Her ex called her a psycho case. Ric’s exes wouldn’t call him anything–they’re all dead! Damon just hated to burst Ric’s bubble, but if her ex was the dead-adjacent ME he’s–um, just dead. As in staked like a vampire. Wonder why Meredith didn’t bring that up in lunch conversation?
Red Flag 2) Whodunit? If Damon was a cop (wouldn’t THAT be a funny turn of events?) Ric’s sexy doctor lady friend would def be suspect Numero Uno.
NOISE COMPLAINTS SQUELCHED
Neighbors complained of extremely loud Black Keys “I‘m a Lonely Boy”, emanating from Stately Salvatore Manor. It was only Klaus drinking and enjoying the stalemate between he and Stefan. Neither one would blink this time–Klaus wanted his family NOW since the hybrids were gone, Stefan wanted to wait a few years.
Klaus gave him one more chance to play let’s make a deal. Or what? Oh, yes, Klaus forgot Crazy Stefan. How’s that workin for you? Any friends left? (always with the loneliness cracks, that one.)
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
The roadtrip was in progress with Bon and Elena in what? A “Hybrid” car? Idle BFF chit-chat about why the Mom meet-up was so weird, since Bonnie NEVER talked about her. Mom never wrote, never called, not even when Grams died (sniff…never even told Bonnie “If you don‘t stop crossing your eyes and bleeding out your nose, you‘re gonna freeze that way!). Forget all that.
Bonnie wanted the dish on Elena’s love triangle! With practically NO prying, Elena said, “He kissed me. It’s not gonna happen again.” (Remember that wording, readers, it’s gonna be important by epi end!) Yeah, yeah, but was it GOOD? Deets! Doesn’t matter. That means it was! Yay! We all just KNEW it was! Ring-ring, Stefan calling! Bon not wanting to answer, lie, and drive at the same time Elena had no problem lying and riding.
She told Stef they needed a night off from his insanity and were spending the night at the lakehouse. Oh, really? Hurry up, Klaus is antsy and knows Stef’s stalling. Stefan knew Elena was lying since he broke into the Gilbert house and was reading the Abby Bennett rapsheet as he chatted!
RESIDENT EVIL
Unbeknownst to our roadtrippers, Klaus was not sitting on his hind legs waiting for things to happen. His hybrids were on the scenic road, with Minion #1 Creepster Hybrid Daniel awaiting instructions. Some chatty deputy gave away the Mom-hunt plan, so Klaus made a plan of his own (when does he not, I mean, really?).
Soon after, The Creepster arrived at a tiny gingerbread cottage in the middle of nowhere, and he wasn‘t sellin Avon! Knock, knock, are you Abby Bennett Wilson? That’s me! Toothy grin. Uh-oh.
Sometime later, our roadtrippers were spotted pulling up to THE SAME HOUSE! Ding dong. Huh, nobody home. Well, except for our new potential Bonnie love interest, Jamie. Abby wasn’t home, but why does Bonnie look familiar? Oh, she’s your mom? Come right in! Did anybody else think this rumored romance is a tad incesty?
Abby’s not his mom. She dated Jamie’s deadbeat dad, and when they broke up, she took him in and raised him like her own. Her own what? She already abandoned one kid! Enter Mystery Mom, asking whose car was out front? Um, I’m Bonnie. Your daughter. Sigh. Hello Bonnie. Ruh-roh!
EARLY FATHER’S DAY CELEBRATION RUNS AMOK
All our readers are familiar with Bill Forbes and the torture cell from hell. Well, here we went again! Bill had Ty all chained to the wall this time, and calmly explained to Caroline and Tyler the Brain Principle. The brain is like a muscle, and the more you use it the more it can do. The sire-bond is all about gratitude for saving Tyler from torturous transformations. His brain is telling him Klaus took that away, freeing Ty from pain. To break the sire-bond, Tyler has to make himself turn. Own the pain, my boy, then you’ll owe Klaus nothing and you’ll be free! Yippee!
Car hasn‘t been paying close enough attention to our archives, because she forgot he‘s a hybrid and supposedly can turn at will now. No full moon necessary! Tyler has one question: how? Excuses, excuses. This is the only way. How bad does he want his freedom? Tyler tried. Epicfail.
Eventually Caroline got squeamish and worried. She wanted rest for poor Tyler! *Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it, No one wants to be defeated, Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight, It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right!* She did.
Left to his own devices, Bill started whackin Tyler with an axe to make him mad! His abuse has expanded from just his own child. Your. Bond. To. Klaus. Is. Putting. My. Daughter. In. Danger. Either you turn or I kill you. Well now!
Many whacks later, Tyler is writhing and cracking in the torture cell. Hey, the $5 chains ain’t gonna hold, Bill. Ty tried to tell him to leave. Too late! Forbes munchie! Cliffhanger!
CRUX OF THE MATTER
Back at The Gingerbread Cottage–Bonnie’s decided she doesn’t need her mom back, just her help. Abby piled on the mom food and small talked Elena about Miranda Gilbert, Abby‘s bestie back in the day. This further infuriated Bon–you had a daughter AND a bestie and you still left? Here’s the crux of the matter: 15 years ago a vampire (Mikael) came to town lookin for The Doppelganger (like Baby Elena would actually look like Katherine? Pfft!). He couldn’t be killed, so Abby lured him away and cast a spell to desiccate him in a crypt in Charlotte (is this a foreshadowing word, or just a convenient geographical point?). Zapped all her power; never came back.
Bon was not agreeable with this simple story, and wanted to just leave–the plan was a mistake. Abby is powerless and took in some other kid instead of her own! Abby desperately wanted to talk to Bon alone (compulsion?). Elena went out for some “air”.
A dog was heard barking in the distance. Elena walked toward a forlorn barn. Whooshing vampspeed sounds were heard. Hi, Elena. Nice lakehouse. Stef, you reunion party pooper!
POTENTIAL PSYCHO GF RECON
Always [snooping] looking out for his friends, Damon went on an espionage mission to the hospital under the pretext of waving at newborns through the window. Ha! What he really wanted to do was accuse Dr. Fell of killing her ex. Conveniently running into her, he spilled the beans about the ME being staked like a vampire. But then she knew that since she signed the death certificate.
Um, Damon, walk this way where they wouldn‘t be seen. Meredith got all defensive and wanted to know what it was to him? Well, just lookin out for his bud, if she’s a psychopath–they’re incredibly high maintenance. She countered that if he cared about his friend, he should figure how Ric walked out of the ICU following his near-fatal accident.
Well played, Dr. Fell! Fair enough. Damon goes to leave and she vervained him in the neck! Drained some blood (succubus). Left him in the floor all by his lonesome.
RECIPE OF THE WEEK
The Gingerbread Cottage supplied this week’s recipe: fresh OJ, coconut water, mango guava something (is this the real Klaus Kool-Aid?), muffins, compliments. Serve with a side of compulsion.
Bon wasn’t bitin (bwahaaa!). In the game of Truth or Dare, Abby admitted to her daughter that, with no magic, in a new city, she could be just Abby Wilson, the woman, not Abby Bennett the witch. Besides, Bon had her dad and Grams–who’s way better at this stuff than Abby is. Huh? Present tense? Clueless that Grams is dead?
Bonnie gave a really weak but choked up explanation of the how. Well, Grams would be proud. Now let’s talk about something else! She would be very proud of you. Okay, on to other things. Abrupt much? A dream brought Bonnie to Abby, maybe she was supposed to help. Abby pleaded with her to let her use herbs and such. We don’t think so! Watch out for those herbs!
Outside, Stef and Elena went into the barn to argue, and got busted by a testosterone laden Jamie. What choo doin out here? Both of them told him to butt out, but he wouldn‘t go. So, Stef grabbed him by the throat, compelled and threatened him. You badass!
Didn’t work for long–Jamie busted back in wielding a shotgun. Yup, he was compelled all right, but Stef didn‘t get there first. Just following orders! Blast to Stef’s chest! Dude, this is John Varvatos! Dick move! *wink, wink*
Inside, once she heard the gunshot, Abby witch-weed chloroformed Bonnie. We told her to watch those herbs! While Jamie tied Elena to a post, his faux-mom called for help dragging Bon to a car. Jamie took the shotgun and ran to help out, leaving Stef writhing on the ground. Elena was helpless!
PHYSICAL FITNESS CRAZE CONTINUES IN MYSTIC FALLS
Brief pause for the fitness tip of the week. Incline bench press a faux 195 pounds in a gratuitous sweaty tank shirt, aptly demonstrated by Ric at The Training Gym. Damon arrived to [tell on Meredith] look for a bunny (cross-reference Stef’s old diet and Fatal Attraction). Ah, ah, ah, 10 more reps, Ric! Needs to buff up if he’s gonna date the psychopath. Self defense and all.
Ric wanted to know why Damon was obsessed with Meredith since he has a bigger tiny Original Vampire problem? Since Damon went behind Ric’s back to mess with his hook-up, the wench vervained and then blood jacked him. But it proved the theory. She’s a diagnosed psycho-case. BTW, you’re welcome. Friends don’t let friends date psychopaths.
NIGHT FELL
BOOM! Some time later, faux-mom pulled into a convenient rest stop occupied by Creepster Hybrid Daniel. Like THAT was a big surprise. Bon didn’t tell where the coffins were (she ACTUALLY kept a secret? Shocking!). Begging, Abby explained about Stef showing up, but Jamie took care of it. Keep trying, witch. Bon staggered out of the car and the two witches conversed (like Daniel couldn’t hear).
Okay, I witch rufied you but don’t try any magic right now, it will totes backfire! Elena’s fine but ABBY needs BONNIE’S help now. If Bon doesn’t cough up coffinville, The Man compelled Jamie to off himself.
Bonnie explained how their problem was biggern the both of em. Mom did a hidden text thing for Bon–”WARN YOUR FRIENDS” while they continued to argue about the coffins. These thumbs are made for talkin!
Let’s demonstrate compulsion in action! Elena’s strength training paid off–and she broke the TIES THAT BIND her. Jamie returned, worried that Abby hadn’t checked in yet. Elena went all damsel in distress on his ass, saying the ropes were hurtin her. Jamie was clueless why he’s got a gun (garbled Jamie‘s got a gun, Aerosmith reference, which is WAY bad considering AI started back up this week, Steven Tyler), but if Elena moved he was shooting Stef again. Hey, a man came by, said the gun was loaded with wooden buckshot, and if anyone got in the way, shoot! Oh, yeah, and if Abby doesn’t find out where the coffins are, he’s supposed to turn it on himself. Sounded like a reasonable request at the time. For some damn reason Elena wasn’t supposed to get hurt (um, human bloodbag, anyone?). Elena did her best whining, and got Jamie to come closer ow, ow, ow! Free of her bonds, Elena grabbed the gun and laid it ever so gently upside his head. She rushed to Stef (undeserving) to help–where does it hurt, beebee? Oh, the wood chips (among other things) were scraping against his heart. Get the pieces out, pretty please?
THIS ITEM SPONSORED BY WHITE BARN CANDLES
We cut to Damon at the Dustbunny Hutch, wary of a noise he heard. Klaus appeared–Ta da! Unclear whether he got the 4-1-1 from Creepster Hybrid Daniel or if he followed Damon, but the coffins don’t appear. The 100 Dead Witches don’t like him and they have MINDBULLETS and HUGE candlewicks!
He ever so gently reminded them they may be dead but have 1000 living descendants he can torture to death. Oh, and as we speak I have a friend prepared to End The Bennett Line. Poof! Candle flames and migraine subsided. Now, please, show me the money (who knew the magic word was please?)
The coffins appeared! Well, three of them. Too bad, so sad, Klaus. Damon hid the big #4 after getting the heads-up warning. Klaus threatened to rip Damon limb from limb and perform open heart surgery–Damon was SO sorry, but it all boiled down to “leverage” and all. He knows Klaus wants his family back, but maybe what’s behind Lid #4 is a LOT more important! Great exit, Damon!
Meanwhile, Elena was still working on the wood shrapnel. Get it out, please! Elena pulled a huge toothpick out of Stef’s chest, apparently the key one. Maybe Elena should apply for the internal electrician job advertised last week, because something “switched on” in Stef right there. You could tell when he looked at her. She’s stronger, tougher. He’s not the only one who changed. Raspberries! 
Oh, and she had to “fess up” about Damon. Why? Not because she felt guilty because it happened, she felt guilty because Stef didn’t know. Lame. “I kissed Damon“. As opposed to Damon kissed me. Aha! Admitting it to Stef AND herself? Stef actually broke eye contact and we thought he was gonna cry there for a second. But, he got up and WALKED AWAY What?!
Of course Elena followed Stef to his car! Stef, say something! (and a wolf howled in the distance. Bwahaaa!) We got a recently rare glimpse (again) of Ye Olde Stefan–he admitted he shouldn’t have vampnapped her and threatened with the parent bridge. But she shouldn’t have lied to him about the lakehouse thing. She can’t do that while Klaus is still alive. They both knew where this discussion was headed “I didn’t plan on kissing him“. (Second admission). “You’re better than him. You’re better than both of us,” Stef said sadly, before getting back into his car, and driving away. Hey, if she’s so better than both of them, throw one to the readers!
LATE NIGHT MUNCHIES AND BIG MISTAKES
Ric stalked over to the Hospital to confront Meredith about her extracurricular activities. She seemed outraged Damon was already awake–wasn’t supposed to wake up for hours (underestimation, Mer). Ric TOLD about dosing with vervain. (Mistake #1). Doc’s not crazy, Ric–then what are you? Stretcher entered with Bill in shreds. You really wanna know? Stick around.
Like a total stranger would be allowed in the room with a comatose trauma patient, Ric! We digress. This was an “actual” animal attack–complete with bite marks, gashes, and a 3 liter of blood loss [trivia: there are roughly 5 liters in the average adult]. Meredith announced he was a goner, except for THIS (pulled out a syringe of Damon’s elixir from her lab coat and mainlined it into Bill).
Methinks he would not be pleased! Here’s Meredith’s secret–a doc that hates when people die. So she cheats whenever she can. Ric looked at her with what, admiration? Yuck! Mistake #2 follows later!
Back at the roadside reststop, Bon got a call that (Mighty Mouse) Elena was on the way, and Jamie was bruised but safe. Apparently Bonnie HAD given up the location of coffinville, keeping Jamie alive and getting rid of Daniel in the process. Abby kept her end of the bargain (info), Klaus usually kept his. Bonnie was still dumbfounded. Abby was willing to do all this for Jamie and he’s not even blood? Oh, but he is. Hmmm. But that doesn’t mean Abby doesn’t care about Bonnie. Lame. Abby has no magic, and Bonnie doesn’t trust her. After Mikael, the magic didn’t just leave, it drifted away. The longer she stayed away (*cough cough* from the ley lines) the weaker it got. It was Mother Nature’s way of punishing her for abandoning Bon. Maybe Bon can help her get her mojo back! She doesn’t really want it, but she’d do it for her daughter. Um, why? Or should we say, why now?
RECOVERY ROOM REPERCUSSION
Ty showed up at the hospital to apologize to Bill. Hey, Bill knew the risks. So, how does TYLER feel? A little more himself. Well, good, they’ll pick up where they left off tomorrow. Huh? The Turn needs to be painless. Obviously it’s not. So they’ll keep doing it over, and over, and over, ad infinitum. Until Tyler can do it painlessly, he gets nowhere near Caroline. Daddy has spoken!
MISTAKE #2, #3, AND DOT DOT DOT
After a grueling day Ric took Meredith back to [his] the Gilbert house and showed her his bag of tricks (um, vampire hunter tricks). Mistake #2. She showed him hers, now he’ll show her his (that sentence works much better in present tense, but oh, well). Ric had semi-retired vampire hunter diarrhea of the mouth. Meredith asked how he survived getting hit by a truck.
Mistake #3–GetOutOfDeathFreeRing, which that wench tried to swipe right off his hand! With an ever so coy, “You think I’m a supernatural being?” One can never be too careful–um, like lockin the door behind you?
Cockblocked by Elena! Doesn’t she ALWAYS walk in when Ric’s trying to score (Jenna and the Chunky Monkey incident)? Meredith hustled butt out. Ric said he was sorry, not his house. Yea, he has couch squatter’s rights. Besides, he’s the only one getting any! Jenna’s gone and he’s allowed to move on (um, Stef’s gone, dot dot dot).
DOMESTIC DISTURBANCES ROCK MYSTIC FALLS
The MFPD was kept busy late in the night. The first call was to Stately Salvatore Manor. What started as an apparent brotherly bonding discussion of the day’s activities turned violent. Things went smoothly with regard to an apparent lone coffin theft, but Damon made a fatal mistake when he asked if Elena was okay.
Stef offered to wipe the drool off his chin, WHAMMO! Well, since OBviously Stef and Elena had a heart-to-heart and he didn’t wanna talk about it, Damon offered to talk about THIS! A silver dagger formerly dipped in white oak ash. Well, well!
The second call to MFPD was a doozy! Apparently at Fortress Klaus, Creepster Hybrid Daniel arrived back to be scratched behind the ear for his good deeds of the day. Three coffins were ensconced in high-gloss Pledge in a lavish drawing room. Okay, everything was calm. Klaus wasn’t gonna open them quite yet, since he still had unfinished business. What business?
Apparently the wrong question to ask (thank Gawd Daniel’s finally, definitely, heartrippedouthisback gone, courtesy of…wait for it….ELIJAH!) So, Nicklaus, wha’d I miss? Klaus looked….um…scared?
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
Since we can’t exactly call a puppydog pout a word, we had to search for this week’s Woobie Word of the Week through a myriad of “I call shotgun“, “psychopath,” ”blood jacked,” and even “leverage“. We finally arrived at: BUFF! *wink wink*
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